Recently I have run into a few women that I have noticed a trend with. It has been startling to see how many of us out there NEED to be accepted by their parents. The problem with that sentence is NEED. It is natural to WANT people to “like” you, or accept what you are doing in your life.
Two of the women that I have talked to in the last week were facing the challenge of telling their mothers that they are with child. These ladies (who are in their thirties mind you) were so worried that they were losing sleep; I mean seriously, this was a “red zone case” as Caesar Milan would say. I will ignore for now what a waste of time worrying is and just talk about releasing the need for others approval.
Our parents have us, raise us, and release us into the world, all the while being proud and disappointed. Basically, by the time a parent has “done their time” they are used to both disappointment in themselves and in us as well as a sense of pride in themselves and their children. It is no question that there are no perfect parents or children in the world. As we take flight (on OUR OWN journey) we stay linked to these imperfect humans forever.
The challenge is to release into flight with only love strings attached. These are the people that love you as their child, but also love you as the only human being that they have influence in making. These are also the people that you have to thank or blame for who you are. Too many times we spend our lives trying to live up to the vision that our parents have for us, and find out too late that it is not our own vision, leaving us feeling resentful and lost. Keep in mind, when parents show disappointment sometimes, they are really showing their “ego”, they want to blame anyone but themselves for the act you are doing. After 18 years old, it is not them, it is you making choices, but sometimes they are unable to cut the apron strings.
Once you are off the books at home it is important to realize that this is our journey. It is also important to teach our children that acceptance is not a need, but a want, and if all else fails, disappointing another is much less important than disappointing ourselves.
I have a relationship with my parents, I call it friendship.
That being said; let us do our best to accept our parents for who they are, accept ourselves for whom we are, and require nothing from anyone but ourselves. If your parents don’t “like” you, IT IS OKAY, there is only a problem if YOU don’t like YOU. The only thing that I can say is lead by positive example. If you don’t like what they are, it is okay. You can still love someone without feeling admiration for who they are in their core. Someone can love you without agreeing with you.
I think that a lot of times we seem to place on others the unsure feelings we have within our own psyche, take ownership of those. If you find yourself blaming your unhappiness on someone like your parents, maybe it is you that is having a problem with the situation that you are in, therefore you need to change, not them.
Parents accept your children, at any age, disappointments and all, and maybe just maybe one day they will learn to accept your failures.
Which brings me to forgiveness…. There is not one person that I have ever talked to that has had a perfect childhood, close, but not perfect. We are all simply dysfunctional; the last perfect person that was on this earth, imperfect people hung on a cross, so it is not a bad thing that we are working from an angle of flaws. Since “those in glass houses should not throw stones” I encourage everyone to try to forgive our parents for the disappointments that they have created for us, learn from them what not to do, and be thankful that they taught you the lesson. It is the anger that is held for so long that handicaps our forward movement.
Lastly, forgive yourself for your imperfections, failures, disappointments, and down right wrong doings. It is you that is in this moment, and if you are better that you were yesterday, you are being a positive member of humanity. The three biggest wastes of time in life are guilt, worry, and anger, so quit wasting your precious time. Someone once told me that if you try to drive forward in your car, but are always looking in the rear view mirror, you are bound to hit something. Let us stop living in the past, let us forgive those who have screwed us over, and let us be better than we were yesterday, kinder, more loving, more forgiving, and more accepting.
My heart is with you on your journey,
Lizzy
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