Breaking Up is Hard to DO!- Lizzy

Yesterday while having Brunch with a dear friend I came across a subject that many of us have come into in our lives. You meet, fall in love, day by day you get closer, you intertwine your lives, things go beautifully for days, weeks, and sometimes years, and then the unthinkable happens, you grow apart, you realize that you were not mean to share your days with this person, and the inevitable happens, you break up.

Somewhere in this tangled mess, sorting out what emotions are mine, what are yours, and what should just be let go as a sacrifice to the “love gone bad God” is hard, really hard. The problem lies in The Break-up-er and The Break-up-ee, both difficult spots to be in, one powerful, one powerless, but the constant is, neither are easy. For the “Break-up-er” you feel like you are giving up, you feel guilty, you are calling the game, throwing in the towel, quitting. For the “Break-up-ee” you feel rejected, given up on, and powerless, he or she does not want you anymore, you have failed.

Basically, we have got two Ego’s, running amuck, and when the Ego drives the car, there is sure to be a wreck.

First, Emotional Separation. This seems to be the most difficult step of the process, when you got together you were separate beings, for years and years you went on with your days without knowing what this certain person was doing, how they were feeling, who they were feeling it with, why they felt one way or the other, but now, it is difficult to go back to the feeling that you have felt for the majority of your lifetime.

Yet, it is hard to go back to that time, a free time.

You cannot forget this person, they themselves have done one of two things, they have either taught you, what you do want in a mate, or what you don’t want, usually the ladder of the two, but I think that moving on, it is key to put them in one of the two categories.

For the “Break-up-er” having confidence in your decision will allow you to feel like you have done the “Break-up-ee” some sort of favor (which is true) he or she will now be free to find love that is more to his or her liking. That should be a honorable decision, one not to feel guilty for, or even like you are a quitter. See, not playing a game that you know you have no chance of winning is called smart. Unless you are just playing the game for fun, and love is no game to play for fun, not long term at least.

For the “Break-up-ee” having faith in yourself, that you are lovable, loving, and powerful allows you to walk away with the knowledge that one day someone will be able to love you on your terms. When insecurity leaks into your ship, you sink, and the only way to stop it is to stop blaming (yourself or the other) and start accepting, accept that this is not what you want (why would you?). When someone no longer wants to be with you, that is their problem, not yours, and it is not your job to fix anyone. Fixing someone else is impossible, you control fixing yourself, and that is the power you have.

Now, I have seen this go to extremes, people start screaming at one another, calling names, blaming, threatening (all the things one does in a desperate situation), but why? Why do we allow ourselves to be these ugly people?

Answer? EGO

When you step back, take a look at what has happened, realize that there were good times, bad times, boring times, hectic times, laughter, tears, and final decisions you realize this is just a chapter of your life, some chapters are longer than others, but this one is coming to a conclusion, you can end it the way it began, hopeful, and forward looking, not brutal, ugly, angry, and desperate.

Friendship?

History will show that a friendship after a lover-ship is almost impossible. To untangle that emotional ball that you call a relationship takes separation. Therefore, for a while, no friendship is obtainable until you are completely healed, could take a lifetime, could take a year, who knows, you will when you are ready. You need friends when you break-up, just not the person you were in a relationship with to help you get through it. Like I said, unraveling the strings of a love gone bad can be messy, and the last person you need is the one who made the mess with you cleaning it up, the mess will just get worse, trust me, seen it too many times.

No calls, no visits, no talks, no favors, for as long as it takes to get you in a place that you are thankful for the relationship as it was, comfortable with being out of the relationship, and relaxed with the person you are without him or her. Don’t drunk dial him or her, have a plan that if you do have too many wines or beers, you have a designated friend to call. Keep yourself busy.

Why does it feel so good to get into the relationship and so bad getting out of it? Should we not celebrate the experience, while holding our dignity high? Why do we let our Ego control what our mind and heart should be in charge of?

In the Eagle’s song, Wasted Time, they speak about the girl that felt like she had wasted her time on a relationship… What if it wasn’t wasted time? What if it was just time, learning what you did or didn’t want? Would that be a comfort?

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy