“Wanting is a Behavior”- Peter

There has been a lot written about raising emotionally intelligent children, I have read some and applied it with my own kids.  But basically the gist of it is “if we understand the layers of why we feel something we can find a solution and will not react to our emotions but act on them.”  So the first step is just beginning to understand what it is we feel.  I usually will go on about Zen meditation at this point but I will spare you.  This is what we need to start teaching our kids.  We do not need to take them to therapy; after all, they do not share half of the range of emotions adults do until they hit puberty.  But we do need to teach them to identify how their behavior is connected to their emotions (“wanting” is a behavior).  Because we are “mature adults” we understand this more than the child and we sort of have to work backwards with it. 

Here an example that illustrates it.  This is what I call “the bigger pancake.”  Which I also stole from another book and goes like this: Oldest child gets a big pancake and Youngest child is upset.  Youngest child behaves poorly by whining, complaining, yelling, etc but starts demanding for a bigger pancake.  A typical parent will try a half of dozen things to stop and pacify Youngest child that goes nowhere and takes away more energy from everyone.  A wise parent uses it to teach the child by simply asking “do you want another pancake?  Because if you are hungry and need more I will make more for you.”  The child is now place in a position where they have to connect their behavior (demanding a bigger pancake) with their feeling (I want to feel just as important as Oldest Child) and suddenly they realize that the two do not correlate. A bigger pancake is more food to eat, while parent’s willingness to give attention and make them feel important is being satisfied.

Wishing you good mental health
Dr. Fraser Crane
-Peter