Why do we make life so hard? I remember lying on the beach looking out into an ocean that looked like it was filled with every question and answer in the universe, and it hit me…. Life is Simple….  Life is not always easy, but if you step back, take a look at the forest, the tree never looks so big.

Breath poured out of me like the ocean itself was taking it with its tide. The weight of a thousand oceans left my shoulders…. Life is Simple…. So why was I making it so difficult?

After that day, Life was Simple…. I made sure it stayed that way.

I am publishing these pages of writing and “coffee-talk” with the intent of spreading peace, and to help make someone like myself, who searched and searched to find themselves, start living. I am no doctor, or even a nurse, nor would I like to be, but these methods or words have freed me more than any procedure, and I won’t send you a bill….  I also need to learn from you, your experiences are different than mine are, so I have a lot to gain from knowing you.

I was raised by my mother, a charming, and loving woman, and once a week I would sit quietly and listen to my mother and Aunt Katie have coffee, they would sit and tell each other their issues or successes, and they would “get down to brass tacks”, and that’s when they would solve these problems, and they did, if they would come across something so hard, they couldn’t find a solution, they would let each other cry, and calmly offer a lipstick, see in our family, if your lipstick’s okay, you will eventually be fine. You know, the rule is true, I have always made it, and thanks to both Mom, and Aunt Kate, my lipstick has always been monitored closely, they may have something here!

Thank you for enjoying my Simple Life with me,

Lizzy

Seriously, she knows the fact that she snips any little piece that bothers her off drives me bonkers, I think she thinks it is funny, mainly because she laughs whenever she tells me she has done it. It looks like crap.

After her professional cut this weekend I was so happy, she looked like a million un-taxable dollars. I was so thrilled I wanted to keep this high going for life, I asked “If you do not EVER cut you hair again, I will NOT do what ever you want”

Famous last words for most, me included.

My sweet Mom agreed to leaving her locks alone, but not without a price! She wants me to write every single week, she does not care what I write, so long as I do. So. Here I am. Writing again.

I really hate when my mom cuts her own hair and you all have to pay for it I guess.

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

I have written to “I’d rather be Rich than Right” and basically stood on that soap box nonstop for years and years, today I try a different verbiage, The Art of Giving up. Giving up the need to be “right” or to “control” the situation. Our need to be right is just a byproduct of our drive to control a situation, one of which we rarely have any control over. Here is what happens, if you do not “Give Up” on some things, the person opposite you in the relationship will be forced to “Give Up” on your relationship. Really, we can only take so much as human beings before we decide that we are not able to please and inevitably we shut down.

Lets take a male/female or more importantly a sexually intimate relationship under the proverbial microscope. So often I hear “No matter what I do she/he is not happy”, “She/he is constantly bitching and moaning”, “I cannot seem to do anything right”, and eventually I hear “I give up”, this is that part in the process where no one wins. Here is what has happened, I call it crying wolf, person A is not happy with something, so every single bothersome thing has become an issue, they then feel like they need to “exercise the right” to tell the other person what is bothering them, so it is now on person B to fix it, and since there is always something that ales us, person B is exhausted. It is obvious to “us” on the outside that if person A would have just “Given Up” half or more of the little things, they might get a better reaction out of person B. Typical “Hill and Valley” theory without one there is none. If you choose to have Hill after Hill then finally, when there is a valley, or discontent, it will be taken seriously!

Mother/Father and Child. We know best as mothers/fathers, we have spent thirty years or around there figuring out the most efficient ways to do our everyday tasks, we have our ways, we know that without a sweatshirt at a Friday night football game, we will be miserable, and so will they. Our children do not know such things, and while we want to help them out, they push back. In my generation, or maybe it was just my mother’s “gig“, we were often left to our own foolish ways, she’d tell us once, but if we left without a sweatshirt, or looked stupid, she let us, and I must say, we learned quickly (it took once) to bring a sweatshirt, or to try to match our clothing because our peers ripped us to shreds, as children often do. Here is what happened, my Mom pulled the whole “Give Up” routine, by doing that she made my sisters and I ace the school of life, but more importantly we had accountability for ourselves, control of our misery, and power. Power used properly gave us self confidence, which is priceless. What she didn’t do is bitch, moan, nag, complain, and ride our behinds constantly, which is what a large portion of the parents today do. Pick your battles Moms and Dads, otherwise you are constantly losing, and guess why? You children are “Giving Up” on you, they ignore your guidance, they throw temper tantrums, and in the worst cases become depressed because they are stuck with you, and in the end, they will carry on with this behavior throughout their lives. See above Relationship problems. If you could just “Give Up” on all the small battles, the ones that don’t “hurt” them, or someone else, they may just take you seriously when you try to drive home how important safe sex is, or how dangerous getting in the car with a drunk driver is, but if you act the same over having sugar before dinner, well, you’re going to be “Given Up On”.

For some of us, it is natural to see immediately what we don’t like, I am sure this served us well as Cavemen and Cavewomen, but we are not in caves anymore, so let us take responsibility for our actions. If you can’t change by choice, use this simple equation ten positives to every one negative comment. I had to keep a tally for a little while to develop a good habit, eventually you will speak the language of Productivity and Positive Living.

Here is to Giving Up, before they are forced to!!!!

My Heart is with you on Your Journey,

Lizzy

NEWS FLASH Coffee Talkers, you cannot make someone else happy no matter what you do. My ranting preaching over the years has now turned into a public service announcement. STOP TRYING TO DO IT!

So many of my respected loved ones come to me with the complaint that they cannot ever seem to make their loved ones happy. My simple advise is to stop trying, it won’t work, and the more you try the more you waste energy, and become frustrated. I will speak bluntly because that seems to be the only thing that works well for me lately. How egotistical do you have to be to believe that you have the power over someone to determine how their life will progress and the quality of it, you don’t, and I hate to break it to you, you only have power over yourself and if you are attempting to make someone happy, you are failing.

I guess it is natural to believe that you can control everything when you are eighteen, usually by the time you are in your mid-twenties, life has handed you enough adversity to humble most of us into realizing that we are not in the drivers seat for a lot of what happens in this world, yet, I hear from so many 30-60+ year olds that they cannot make someone happy. It’s annoying and maybe, just maybe, we should make a call to action, start looking at the things that make you “happy”, and if those are other things and people, maybe you’re shallow, and if that is the case, you probably are not genuinely happy to begin with, and maybe, just maybe, someone is sick of stepping and fetching for you.

John Denver sang “Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy”, well, he had to be looking for a blessing, I see so many unhappy drones in the sunlight all the time, proves that John wanted something to be happy about, and these cats don’t. Otherwise, everyone would be walking around happy when ever the sunlight popped through the clouds! Mr. Denver made a choice, not for anyone else, but for himself, notice, he did not sing “Sunshine on YOUR shoulders makes YOU happy”.

My point is, be happy, and be happy knowing that you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.

My Heart is with YOU on Your Journey,

Lizzy

NEWS FLASH Coffee Talkers, you cannot make someone else happy no matter what you do. My ranting preaching over the years has now turned into a public service announcement. STOP TRYING TO DO IT!

So many of my respected loved ones come to me with the complaint that they cannot ever seem to make their loved ones happy. My simple advise is to stop trying, it won’t work, and the more you try the more you waste energy, and become frustrated. I will speak bluntly because that seems to be the only thing that works well for me lately. How egotistical do you have to be to believe that you have the power over someone to determine how their life will progress and the quality of it, you don’t, and I hate to break it to you, you only have power over yourself and if you are attempting to make someone happy, you are failing.

I guess it is natural to believe that you can control everything when you are eighteen, usually by the time you are in your mid-twenties, life has handed you enough adversity to humble most of us into realizing that we are not in the drivers seat for a lot of what happens in this world, yet, I hear from so many 30-60+ year olds that they cannot make someone happy. It’s annoying and maybe, just maybe, we should make a call to action, start looking at the things that make you “happy”, and if those are other things and people, maybe you’re shallow, and if that is the case, you probably are not genuinely happy to begin with, and maybe, just maybe, someone is sick of stepping and fetching for you.

John Denver sang “Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy”, well, he had to be looking for a blessing, I see so many unhappy drones in the sunlight all the time, proves that John wanted something to be happy about, and these cats don’t. Otherwise, everyone would be walking around happy when ever the sunlight popped through the clouds! Mr. Denver made a choice, not for anyone else, but for himself, notice, he did not sing “Sunshine on YOUR shoulders makes YOU happy”.

My point is, be happy, and be happy knowing that you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.

My Heart is with YOU on Your Journey,

Lizzy

I have always loved Valentines Day for different reasons in each stage of my life. So many years I have been my own Valentine, and for you I wish this.

The heart hype can be overwhelming for some, every store, every spam email, and every commercial is pushing what to expect on February fourteenth, they even throw out fear messages that your significant other will be morbidly disappointed if you do not buy their product or visit their restaurant, of course this should be untrue, but for some, we put so much expectation on this twenty-four hour period that this often becomes our reality.

Does Cupid really have this much power? Well, the question is not really does he, but do we give that much power to him? It is strange how we let go of our expectations of the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus at a fairly early age, but this little bow and arrow carrying mythology stays with us far beyond the years when we learn that nothing can be so simple and with each dream there often can be a nightmare. We forget that if in fact Cupid was around that he carries two types of arrows, one that can inspire love and one that inspires hate, let us decide to take accountability for our own happiness. Santa, Easter Bunny, nor Cupid will make you happy, it is your arrow to cast now.

There are as many unhappy couples celebrating today as happy couples, there are as many singles as doubles, and there are as many alone people as lonely people checking this day off the calendar, here is the difference, one type of person makes themselves happy and one relies on another. Note; the ones that rely on another are the disappointed and the angry haters on this day.

My wish for you for Valentine’s Day is to be your own V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E, if you would, you’d surely know how happy you could be.

My HEART is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

Luckily, I have tons of different mothers and fathers to study, I have four nieces, and almost every single one of my best friends have had a child in the last few years, I get to see what I would do, and of course, what I would not do. It is not funny, but more sad, I see people who have had children for the wrong reasons, and then I see the extreme opposite, people that want to put all efforts into bring a person to make choices that could make our world a far greater place. None of these people parent in the same way, nor do any of them follow some sort of recipe, but it stuns me to see, the basics are always the same.

For the ones that are what I consider successful, there seems to be a perspective that it is not indeed what they want as a human but, what they want for their child. I am not talking “things” here, please do not misunderstand what I am saying, these people want to give the gift of kindness, understanding, self respect, and honesty to this little creature. They are not so much self sacrificing, but more empowering.

For the ones that I see failure in, I see them wanting “things” for their child, but the difference is that it is just things that make THEM as parents feel better. A child is to love them, or almost like a dog would be, for them to be a companion with. These people usually buy too many gadgets, focus on what others might think, and talk about how the child makes them feel. They usually complain constantly about how they are not getting what they need, like time, energy, sleep and sound utterly inconvenienced. There is nothing that ever said a child would be easy, I have never read any article that exposed that side of raising a human being. Sounds to me like we are raising a bunch of martyrs! In this day and age, with all the birth control, pro choice, and overall options that we as Americans have, you made the choice to have the child, take a little accountability here.

The reason that I am writing this all down, is I guess is makes me sad to see all the children out there that have this cross to bear, to try to figure out once they get out of the home that they grew up in what really counts. Some never do, and then they breed, and then we have some weird trickle down scenario that ends up being our next generations. All because these people had kids for the wrong reasons.

Why did you have children?

What kind of person do you want to raise?

Who do you want them to become?

What gifts are you giving them?

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

After my post about saving money I was talking to my nearest and dearest friend Stephanie, she had just discovered a way to get groceries for almost free. Hell, I figured, Why not? I have paid too much for years, not to mention the dilemma of never being able to find anything I wanted to make for dinner, this could be a solution. Well, not only has it turned out to be a solution, it has turned out to be an obsession.

I have never clipped a coupon in my life, never, as a matter of fact I have hated all you “couponers” with such conviction that I have almost had my own stand up routine ripping on you people.

The thought of getting the paper and sitting down, clipping all the coupons for things that I probably never needed in the first place out, gathering them in a accordion file, going to the grocery, and then inconveniencing the entire shopping population at the check out line was not only a nightmare to me, but a platform that I was completely not willing to stand on. Something changed. I went to Jill Cataldo’s class, for research purposes, and found out how to not only save money, do it without humiliating myself, and have fun with my friends. Oh yeah, I forgot, I am now giving food to the hungry, at no extra expense of my own!

These are the notes I took in Jill’s class. Her Website is www.jillcataldo.com

Coupon Class Notes- By Lizzy

When Super Coupon-ing remember that you ARE NOT ripping off the store, stores get 8 cents over the coupon amount back from the manufacturer, therefore taking a coupon makes them more money than it would if you were paying with cold hard cash.

The best mindset to use is that coupons are CASH, or even more valuable than cash to stores.

Every single item that we buy is on a 12 week interval, meaning that it goes to its lowest price every twelve weeks. It is important to remember that when shopping, buy enough for 12 weeks if possible.

The Chicago Tribune is the absolute BEST paper to receive, the amounts of the coupons are higher, always. An online coupon to get it for 50 cents per week for JUST the Sunday paper is 09TJ.

Stores such as Walmart, Aldi, and other “discount stores” are NOT cheaper. They are MIDDLE stores vs. Jewel, Myer, and Dominick’s that are HIGH/LOW stores. HIGH/LOW stores are better for coupon-ing because half of their items are lower than the MIDDLE stores are and half are higher, our job is to buy the lower items, NOT THE HIGHER ONES. The MIDDLE stores will NEVER save you money when “Super Coupon-ing”

Loading Coupons online to your loyalty cards (i.e. preferred card and dominicks card) will allow for “stacking” coupons, you can and should use store coupons and manufacturers coupons simultaneously  when ever possible. In-store flyers are good for this at Walgreens and CVS. You can go to three different sites for dominicks, the Proctor and Gamble site (google it), shortcuts.com, cellfire.com.

Always buy the smallest amount allowed when using a coupon (if it is less expensive), this ensures that you receive the lowest price per ounce/unit.

Watch for store coupons that say BUY 3 on any of “these items” to earn a certain amount back on your next purchase, buy the cheapest NOT WHAT YOU WANT. This means you are getting more for free when bundling with a manufacturer or store coupon.

Watch for DOLLAR SALES, it is the easiest way to get a freebee. Link it with a $1 off coupon and you are in business.

Look at the text on the coupon NOT the picture, most the time you can buy different items from the same manufacturer. (remember to go for the least expensive)

Watch for Blinky Coupons and Tear off’s at the store. You will usually want to wait until the 12 week low to use them. It is a “trick” that the store uses to get you to buy the item at a higher price, if you wait, you will get a much better price. Those coupons usually do not expire for a LONG time.

Do not rush to use any of your coupons, they raise most of the prices right before they come out.

B1G1 (Buy one get one)-

Use two coupons instead of one. For instance if it is B1G1 on CoCo Pebbles, the price is $5.00 for both, the stores usually charge $2.50 for each box, if you have two $1 coupons they end up being $1.50 each equaling $3 vs. $4 if you used only one coupon. (Dominick’s does not allow this)

Save your “free item” coupons until they are almost expired, try not to use them until you see a B1G1 at the store. This way you get both for free. Obviously, if they are almost expired, go get the free item. Remember coupons are cash, actually better than cash for stores.

Familiarize yourself with Store Coupon Policies. It is the best way to handle a grumpy cashier and remember, they most likely are not trained well and are just protecting their jobs.

Watch out for Catalina’s (the things that come out of the receipt machine after your receipt does) that say “Not a redeemable coupon”, They are very valuable for making you aware of upcoming events that are likely not published in your flyers/magazines/etc.

As a rule, we should only be shopping Sun-Wed, these days are not only better because there are two sales going on, but grocery stores up their prices Thurs-Sat because they know business will be forced to come in for weekend needs.

Do NOT be brand specific. If you cannot wait the 12 week interval for your FAVORITE brand, go for the less expensive sister item, this will save you hundreds of dollars.

Look for Red Plum, Proctor and Gamble, and Smart Source in the Sunday paper, when you receive them mark the date on the outside of the packet with a black marker.

Get a “split” organizer. It looks like an accordion file (and is one) but it looks like it is pregnant with a smaller accordion file on the front of it.

Put your dated Coupons from the paper and your magazines in the large part by weekly date.

Use the little file for your Blinky coupons, tear offs, Catalinas, etc. In other words, all of your loose coupons.

The smaller one is suggested to be broken up by Catalina, Beauty Needs, Grocery, etc.

Do not clip Coupons in advance. It is time consuming, this should take you no more than 2 hours a week, after you receive the grocery ad, you go to the website, it tells you where the coupon is, you clip it, put that weeks coupons in an envelope, and go to the store, it’s that simple.

NEVER EVER throw away your coupons until they expire (Dominick’s takes expired coupons, so they never expire). You may not need a Venus razor, but I am guessing you will take it for FREE, this is the biggest mistake most make when trying to get to this level of savings.

Tips to know on different stores

Walgreens

They have register rewards, watch for store coupons to stack with manufacturers coupons.

CVS

They have “Extra Care Bucks”, they print out like a receipt, most accidentally throw them away.

Target

They run a lot of “buy so many of this item and get a GIFT CARD”, you can stack these will manufactures and store coupons and often get free money or at least the items for free.

Dominick’s

They are the only ones in our area that take expired coupons, don’t forget! Put all your expired coupons in a section of your accordion file just for Dominick’s.

Kmart

They are the only ones in our area that will occasionally do DOUBLE COUPONS. Watch for this very closely. FREEBEES GALORE!

Suggestions from our teacher

For New Coupon Kings and Queens, they may want to SUBSCRIBE (which means you pay) to Grocerygame.com or coupon mom.com, it tells you exactly where all your coupons are to be cut out, if you put jillcataldo.com in, you get a free month. It is $1.25 per month, per store, I may try it for research sake.

I do not believe that you need to do this since Jill’s website almost does it, go on and check it out, she is a very crafty lady! www.jillcataldo.com

Good luck and remember, this is supposed to be fun!

This cost me $20, EVERYTHING IN THE PICTURE!!!!!

So this makes me want to dive in even further. I may not be frugal, but I am competitive, so I plan to save so much money it knocks all my closest friends socks off…. I don’t feel remotely guilty for getting a good deal, since I have paid my my dues for all these years paying the manufacturers suggested retail price or higher in some cases.

This is a TOTAL work in progress….. I plan on taking steps to figure this new lifestyle out and hopefully all of you walk with me!

But this is what I have learned so far….

1) A treat should feel like a treat. Stuff like Starbucks, going out to dinner, getting new outfits, and other nonessentials should not be a run of the mill occurrence and for me, I have taken these things so for granted that they are no longer even pleasurable, frankly, going out to dinner was almost annoying. I would leave a $4 coffee in the car to go bad. Even worse, buying something for myself was nothing, I felt nothing.

So my first commitment to my new venture was to start treating treats like treats. I made restrictions on my budget for these things, so when I have them I will savor them, and if then I do not, I will release them from my life… You and I both know, Starbucks is not going anywhere!

2) Gifts= Gifts instead of Gifts= Love

I LOVE buying something for someone, I mean, it makes me so thrilled. Now, this up into this new adventure has meant that when I find something for someone I buy it, with out hardly looking at the price. My family and friends do not care remotely how much I spend on them, truthfully, most would rather I did not spend on them at all. That being said…. Who am I really buying for, them, or myself? So here is what my plan is to do…. I will be much more creative, take my time, and remember, gifts are not love, love is love.

SO I am drastically reducing how much I let myself spend on gifts. I plan to give more love and appreciation, if someone does not want that, maybe I don’t want them as a friend anyway.

3) Categories and Budgets

J and I went through our quicken and figured out what we have averaged year to date, luckily I had that history, but if you do not, record what you spend everyday for a month ON EVERYTHING, and you will have these numbers. We then discussed and brainstormed on each section of our life to see what we wanted to eliminate, the amount of money that this will save you is AMAZING!

The best part about this, I have a little notebook on a page turned sideways it has each category, the monthly budget, and room below for all your expenses, so you can record them as you go.

I go tomorrow to Stephanie’s to learn her little money saving tricks…. I will report back…. Unless it kills me!

A list is coming soon on money saving tips!

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

My friend gave me a necklace that states on one side “Love the life you Live” and on the other side it says “Live the Life You Love”. It is a beautiful necklace, one of these pieces that you can wear with anything from a t-shirt to a go out on the town with your best girlfriends in your sexy stilettos type outfits. A piece that you are so proud to wear because your best newest girlfriend gave it to you. I left for a six day trip to Mexico with nine other girlfriends all the while the thought of this necklace kept coming to me as I was cocktailing it up with the people that I love, waiting to go home to the husband that I love, and looking forward to calling my family that I love, this necklace kept coming into my mind.

Over the last six, seven, maybe even eight years that it has taken me to find this place in my life, I am thinking about how it came to be this, how did I find a life that I love? How did I come to love the life I had, and when did they both meet?

So the thoughts about this keep coming. When did they come together, I try and try, but I cannot find exactly when it happened. Maybe it was when I chose not to be unhappy anymore, maybe it was when I started living day to day, not month to month anymore, or year to year, or mainly not living in the past anymore.

Was it when I started living like I was important or was it when I stopped taking myself so seriously?

Love the Life you Live?

To me this is a sexy way to say count your blessings. Look at all the love in your life and wrap your heart around each part of it and never forget what this universe has already given you. No matter how shitty your life is there is something good in this life and if there is nothing in sight, look harder, look broader, and if it still lost turn around, go the other way. Look up to see the sun, down to see the flowers, east to see the sun rise, and west to see the sunset, there is beauty for all of us, it is the choice to see it. You have that choice and I believe that is “Love the Life you Live” it is the choice to see the beauty.

Live the Life You Love?

Unlike the choice to see the beauty, I believe that this is choice, yes, just more detailed. This is about careful subtraction and addition and in that order. Living the life you love means taking away the things that make you unhappy, even if it means the removal of people, expensive things, or a not so dreamy job. Subtracting unhappiness was hard for me, I thought that losing something could never be better than having it, completely untrue. I removed myself from a marriage that was not happy, I lived in the perfect no frills flat, and I quit my job for a less stressful one, I continuously get rid of friends that are not positive, and I must say that there has been more gained from subtraction than there has been from addition. Although, once I had all of these distractions out of my life, it was much easier to add the things and people that count. I realized that as I lived without the things I did not want, it was easier to see the things that I loved and wanted around me, especially with people. So I guess making the choice to “Live the Life You Love” means to make choices that let you be happy, you get rid of the crap in your life, and overall you choose happiness. For instance I realized that having a garbage disposal is important to me, so is having friends that care what is going on with my life, or having respect at work, of having a husband that thinks that I am interesting, who I feel the same about, these are the things I learned by taking all the distraction away, cleaning the slate, and starting with a fresh canvas….. I am Living the life I love…

I have been grateful for this necklace and I choose to wear it often…..

My Heart is With You on Your Journey,

Lizzy

Why when all is said and done, when you want out, when the fat lady has sang and sang to the point that she has lost her voice do we allow ourselves to react to some emotional blow from someone that we cannot stand any longer? Why fight? Why?

Stop the fighting. First and foremost get the whole “eye for an eye” concept out of your mind. To quote a great “An eye for an eye make the whole world blind”- Gandhi. That being said, this includes you. Payback is a bitch and no one ever wins, but if you choose to payback someone let it be at least something that benefits you remotely. Try this… Make your life happier than the other persons by learning to react positively to their negative behaviors. THIS IS NOT EASY. Completely doable when given the attention being positive deserves, but not easy.

I have a few friends that are going through break-ups, some reflect the famous “War of the Roses” movie that reminds us all that marriage can be very scary when not handled with maturity, or more importantly, getting out of the marriage with some grace and with self respect, and some are less passionate, but the thing I notice about these break-ups are the same, someone wants out.

Lately, maybe because of my age now, there are children involved in these relationships or break-ups, what ever you want to call them. Me, coming from a “broken home” (thankful for it) has some insight for you parents out there. 1) Children are better off in two happy homes rather than one stressful unloving home. Please believe that children may not know how to drive, they may not know how to balance their check books yet (I really can’t do that either), and they may not know how to do all the things that “adults” do, but they know at birth what happy feels like, and you are doing an injustice to a child’s soul by making them feel uneasy, unhappy, and like their parents hate each other. For what? So they can see these unhappy people 24 hours a day. I’ll say it, since they don’t know how yet “No thanks Mommy and Daddy, if your sticking around for the kiddies, admit right now that it is for your own selfish reasons, not for them”. 2) I do not care if you caught your husband or wife sleeping with your best friend on your grandmothers embroidered linens that you got from her estate that she especially willed to you because you were her favorite out of all the grandchildren, this is no reason for you ever to put down your ex (or soon to be) in front of your children. My mother refused to talk about my father in front of me as a child, my dad however ran my mother down, guess whose side I was on? Don’t make your children defend their mother or their father, hell, it is your fault that they have them as a parent to begin with, not theirs. What you are truly saying in  their eyes is that the only reason that you are stuck talking to this monster is because of them. It is immature and you look like the asshole. 3) No matter what you both have a job to do and I know this is going to be hard to swallow, it has nothing to do with your happiness, your job is to be good parents to this little person that you chose to bring to the world, if that is not a valid reason to put down the guns, I cannot imagine what is. The Roses had one thing over you guys, their children were off on their own. If you have these kids, you have a common purpose, it is to be good parents, this does not mean you have to be good parents that reside in the same home. Period.

Divorce can be expensive, exhausting, and ego smashing, and that is just the surface, it can be heart breaking and failure gathering, it can make you think of doing things that just a few years ago you couldn’t imagine yourself doing, but the one thing (unless you are a Rose or a Peterson) it won’t do is kill you. You will live on, the sooner that you can look to the future the better, start living today, don’t wait until it is over, hell you never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Laugh a little, laugh at the fact that you failed at your marriage, you are not the first, you are not the last, but you did it, at least made the choice to marry the wrong one, or you can look at it the way I do, a learning experience, a good learning experience. Your children may not be thrilled at the fact that Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to sleep in the same bed, but sometimes you know what is best, and happiness is the only thing that we seek that separates us from the animals. You do not want to set the standard for your children that they stay in something that they are miserable in. Do you? If you answer yes to that, it is more than this “blog” that you need, like counseling. Which is the last thing I will say… Get some counseling, or at least have a weekly coffee with someone that has been through this, talk about it, a lot, and then talk about it some more. You will find that once you start talking, you start to feel better.

My Heart is With You on Your Journey,

Lizzy

I have been reading this book this week, quite different than I expected it to be. It is about a lost 29 year woman (who has not gone through that if they have found their 29th year, Geez) who does not know whether or not to have kids, follow a career, or what the hell she is doing in her life. I have definitely been there, as have all my friends. It was particularly enticing to me since I have a blogging project of my own here, one I have ignored for sometime. Julie in the book decides she will be making every recipe out of Julia Childs, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Then she will blog about her experiences with it. While this experiment is interesting in its failures and successes, I found that her self development was where this book really shined. Maybe we all should take on something like this to get to know ourselves. Why not? What are we doing? What have we done that makes no sense to anyone, but ourselves?

I am searching for a project now…. I will get back to you when I find it…..

Until then, I recommend this book. It is certainly not the most spell binding book I have ever read, but the message is, get to know who you are by taking on something that you will have as many failures as successes, and maybe, just maybe, be a better human for it.

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

The last few weeks I have had my nieces for a week each, a gift in my life, also a reminder just how quick childhood flies by, not necessarily for the child, but for the hearts that surround that little human. These two are amazing, my sister is an outstanding mother, plus they have had all of us surrounding them with opinions, facts, jokes, and the occasional reprimand for their own good. I look at them and am shocked that just twenty years ago that was me, getting to know the world, hell that is me now.

They look at the world with such fresh eyes and each time I am around them I too change my perspective, a theory I have been working on for some time. Today my father in law said “She is so full of life, it makes you feel younger just being near her”. It does. I believe that children do make you see the earth in a much healthier way. It is all of a sudden fun to jump up and down for no reason, not to lose weight, just for fun? Opening yourself to just the idea that everything doesn’t need a reason, purpose, or end result, it can just be.

So, a warning, I plan to jump up and down for no reason from here on out! So if you see a crazy person on the sidewalk jumping, don’t think anything of it. It is just me, getting a grip.

I think that when we go through the “growing up process” we will commonly dispose of the quality that makes people great, our ability to look at each day like it is one of our firsts, to see things that are not there yet, to use our imagination.

“Owning a horse is simple, I will just win the lottery”, well, it probably statistically is not that easy, but it is much easier to have the carefree “matter of factness” that children often possess. What does that hurt? So often we are so afraid that our children will be disappointed that we slam down these thoughts, true or untrue on the ease of winning the lottery, why do we choose to forfeit dreams to avoid disappointment?

I can see if they refuse to do school work because they “plan” to win the lottery, or be a pro football player when they are scrawny, then you step into action, I am saying for the extras, the things that we know as adults are not critical, like a horse, a pool, the go cart, what ever it is. Stop avoiding disappointment, you will only be disappointed. Your child will eventually be afraid of disappointment and make their life choices accordingly. Yuck, more sheep, that is NOT what we need.

Do you ever just sit there and day dream? What would it hurt if you did? Why not?

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

Today I write to you as a married woman.

Never in my life had I thought that I would say that again, but hey, this life has shocked me time and time again, so why does this surprise me?

Recently I have talked to a lot of my friends who have jumped into the FIRE of divorce, and hell yes, it is a fire. (Not to mention the John and Kate plus eight debacle) I have been a lucky confidant of these broken and tired hearts. The one thing that I have to offer my friends is the healed heart of failure and the new blossoming of a new dawn.

I like them have been in the position of admitting failure, blaming others, blaming myself, and eventual forgiveness of all parties. Well, the last part, forgiveness, is a bridge that they have not met yet, but I know that they will. There is something that comes with all this, a new birth of someone much stronger and more aware.

I would like to say to all my friends that divorce is not a bad thing, not living a life of happiness however is a complete waste.

Sometimes chapters end, and sometimes it hurts, even is a pain in the ass occasionally, okay, always, but when they end, you have the opportunity to write a new chapter in your life, a better chapter, a more honest chapter.

Whose fault is it anyway?

May I ask you the obvious question? (Yes I may because this is my site)

*Why does this matter?

Why me?

Again….

*Why not you are you not human?

How could this happen?

Here is your answer…. People change, sometimes not for the better, sometimes not fast enough for each other, and sometimes not at all. We are never the same from day to day, we are influenced by our environment, and because this doesn’t always happen at the same pace, we often become a person that the other doesn’t like that much, therefore, we fall out of love.

This is a very hard time in your life, but I promise, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Most of us can say this, at least we are not John and Kate plus eight.

I think what has happened is that when I have something to say there is always something in the way, some mundane task that seems to take priority over my message. You know, like the ever important task of laundry or running out to hear another friend’s message, all the while mine is waiting, lurking, and eventually runs out of gas way before she ever gets to the “landing strip”, i.e. paper.

Maybe that is how all good intentions lost get undone. The daily routine budges in line and before we ever know it, it’s gone.

I do have something to say, a message to be heard, and today, she is called by me, the one who runs the show, to land.

My friend and I were talking the other day about scarcity and abundance. There are times in our lives that we have felt like we are lacking, there is just never enough, never enough love, time, money, food, or chocolate. You know the basics! Then other times we find ourselves overwhelmed with all of the same things, wedding days are full of love, a day here or there with nothing to do. Well, most people don’t find a lot of days with too much money, but hey, go into the dollar store, and all of the sudden the world is your oyster. There is Thanks Giving, where inevitably there is someone that points out the obvious “there is too much food here”. As for chocolate, I would say that may just be the exception for some, there can never be enough chocolate. Well, unless you eat a six pack of buster bars and can prove it by being paralyzed by the pain, but even then… Who knows? So the question I ask is why can’t every day be one of those special days?

Why as humans are we stuck in the mode of scarcity? Why do we always ask what we are missing instead of what is here?

A few years ago after listening to The Secret or some other self help book, they all seem to run together, I started asking myself instead of what was missing, what was not missing?

Even though looking back I really didn’t “have” all that much, I felt rich. In comparison to today I was not, today my life is so abundant, that sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe it is real. I am not sure that I feel any better. The old saying of “don’t count your chicken before they’re hatched” needs to have a little after statement, “but don’t be afraid to be thankful for the ones you’ve already got”.

The Dali Lama says that the key to being happy is being not only aware of what you’ve got but being grateful for it. It is the whole “want what you have”, what if that is the key to happiness, I know it has been for me, but what I want to know is does it work for everyone?   

This is a tribute to just how wealthy I have been over the last few months and how much more wealthy I get to be for the few months to come. A lot of the time I use a checklist of categories to figure out just what I need to work on, but as I go down my self made list there are no short comings, no needs for focus, and I find myself renovating nothing. A first for me.

Friends- Over the last few years I had to prioritize my relationships from quantity to quality, this is somewhat of a painful process, but in the end stages I have been blessed to have kept the ones who love me back, enrich my life, and make me a better person. My friends are amazing these days, our conversations are stimulating, our loyalty is a two way street, and I could not be more blessed by those who I have made my family of no obligation. I must give my friend Maureen a lot of credit, she has persistently set up a “Calamari Thursday Night”, a bunch of friends get together, have wine, and eat calamari. I have enjoyed this more than anything; it is a great way to get together for seemingly no reason to enjoy the company of great conversation. I believe that everyone should make the excuse to go be surrounded by dear friends. Thank you to Maureen, a blessing in my life.

Family- My family and I are very close, my mom, my sisters, my nieces, my Aunt Kate and my two dads are the pieces of my puzzle that hold me together. I am so grateful to have them in my day to day life. Unfortunately just because you are blood related does not mean that you should be disrespected in any way. I had to make a hard choice to not be in a relationship with one of my sisters this year, she was hurtful and toxic, and by allowing myself to release her after so many years of trying to get her to love me some how, some way, I found myself relieved. See, if someone cannot love you the way you need to be loved it is counterproductive to try to force it. There are personality conflicts out there, and forgiving myself for not being able to be in the abusive relationship, whether it be sisters, or lovers, or even colleagues, was freeing in a way. It took so much of the pressure off of both of us. I had made it my “New Years Resolution” for the last three years to try to get closer, be more tolerant, and show more love to a person that did not welcome any of it. I walked away, some may call me a quitter, but I believe that if you keep fighting a battle that you can never win, you are just plain stupid. There is a reason that I am not trying out for the NBA, they don’t want me, and neither did she. You have to know when to hold them, and more importantly, know when to fold them. I encourage everyone to know when to fold them, do it, and forgive yourself for any failure you might feel. Just because someone shares DNA with you does not mean they share your heart. It has made me more thankful than ever for the family that has been there through thick and thin, and made me be more supportive to them.

Work- Okay, work has always been a tough subject for me, always slightly unsatisfied, longing to be more successful, more driven, more, more, more. I took a little hobby job at a little boutique back in November. I have never been happier with a decision in my life. The group that I work with come in all shapes and sizes, young and old, rich and poor, but the one thing that they all share is heart. I love these new friends, and I love being with them, they are always kind, always giving, always positive, and are all women in the first right. I am grateful to be a part of them.

Love Life- There is not any words in the English Language to describe this department. I have tried to write about Jason for so long and I always feel like I let us down when I try to portray what we have found, a treasure above treasures. For me, this is the holy grail.
As I plan to walk down the aisle to the man that I have chosen for my life, offer my mind, body, soul, hopes, dreams, ugliness, idiosyncrasies, and take my last journey alone. What a momentous stroll toward something new, or old in some cases. Jason and I have been together for near three years now, although it seems like time has stood still, like there has not been any years at all, isn’t that what it is about? We get up the same every morning although each morning seems like a brilliant new day. We have many routines, I guess we just fit together, there are few annoying parts of the puzzle, so few in fact that I don’t even notice them when they happen, I just laugh as if they were there for my own amusement. He laughs with me. I can only appreciate that he finds the same things funny. Is it strange that I feel like I have known him for years, a lifetime really. I always thought that the mistake I made was thinking that when you married someone; you became one, I thought that instead you were supposed to live at “hopefully” the same pace, grow on your own, together. Jason proves me wrong. You do become one, together.

So here we are, together, blooming, not as a single flower, as a bouquet. It is strange to see a face that looks at you like you like you always dreamed of being looked at, to look at someone without any ego in your eyes, no jealousy, no resistance, no fear, no hesitation, and no pain. There is no words to describe him, no words to describe how I feel, and no words to describe how blessed I am to have him. No words at all.

My Self- Last but not least. My last few months have been like a dream. For me, travel is a way for me to get to know myself better, with each trip, I see something about myself in others, and identify if I like it or not. February it was Mexico, Jason and I took a “five dayer” to lie together somewhere besides in our home, it was wonderful and relaxing. The in March we zapped down to Florida to see Jason’s parents, a trip that meant a lot, as you may have figured out, I am marrying more family, and it felt good to be able to see them as my future mother and father in law. Now April arrives, Spain with my sister Janice, a trip we have dreamt of taking for years, and now it is my next anticipation. Then in June, ten days in the Bahamas to become a Mrs. instead of a Misses. In every un-highlighted area are the real good parts, this is the life I always wanted. Friends, Family, a Love that is real, a work that isn’t consuming, and no want, no need, and when I look at it from an aerial view it seems too good to be true, but it is, and it is mine, and today is my day.

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

Over the years, I admit, I have put myself in the position of giving advice, here especially, I have asked for all of your concerns and begged to give you solutions, and I have paid up, time and time again. I have been very lucky in the last few weeks to have been in contact with a lot of humans in the pursuit of happiness.    

I am noticing a trend. There seems to be so many that say “I just want to be happy”. I have heard that over and over, it is the one consistent longing that humans seem to have. There is just one problem, you want to be happy, but you are not willing to change ANYTHING to make yourself that way.

As this “solutions finder” that I have made myself I question “Do these people REALLY want to be happy, or are they just lacking in other conversation?”  

In so many of my conversations and correspondence I have offered the soft version of looking within yourself for fulfillment, changing your behaviors, and holding yourself accountable. This does not come easily I have reminded all.

Let me tell you, I hold the Holy Grail, right now, I am happy. I refuse not to be happy. I will allow nothing less than happiness. Here is how it works.

1)      Nothing makes you unhappy except not being grateful for what you have right now. – Come up with ten things a day to be thankful for, write them down.

2)      Is the glass half empty or half full? I have the answer to that simple question, it is not necessarily how you look at it or your perception, the way I look at it is

“If you are filling that glass or giving to the glass it is half full, if you are drinking from that glass or taking from it is half empty.”

 Stop trying to see what is being taken from you and start watching what you are giving to the world and maybe things will look a bit brighter. What the hell are you doing to make this world a better place? – Come up with something to do that doesn’t benefit you, DO IT!

3)      Stop bitching… Waste of time… - Don’t do it, it’s a waste of time, and more importantly energy

4)      Stop worrying… Waste of time… - This does not mean stop planning, planning and worrying about the future are two different things, here is an easy way to tell the difference. If it is positive, it is planning, if it is negative, it is worrying. There you go!

5)      If you ask for advice, take it, try it, because what you are doing is not working. If you simply want to “vent” describe it for what it is, venting is a waste of time, but some people need to do it. If you do not truly want advise, then stop wasting other peoples lives, if you do want it, be prepared to take it, and USE IT!

6)      Stop Blaming everyone for your problems. If you are over 20 years old, it is time to forgive your parents for not being perfect and move on. It is not your boss’s fault that you are unhappy, it is not your girlfriend or boyfriend, and it is not your friends fault. If someone has the power over you to make you unhappy, maybe you are giving them too much power? – If someone has the ability to ruin your day, admit that you are leaning too hard on them, then empower yourself by taking all the credit for your own happiness, and unhappiness.

7)      Your choice… You make a conscious decision everyday whether you want to be happy or not, happiness is a moment to moment thing, it is not a constant. You have to work for it. – Start looking for the beautiful things in life, point them out to you, and stop mentioning the ugly.

      Surround yourself with “solution finders” not problem “pointer outters”. I can find a million people out there that can name “problem after problem” but when I find someone that can step back, look at the problem, and start finding solutions, I have a PRODUCTIVE relationship. Remember, if you are standing still, you are not going anywhere. Get going. – If you are in a good mood and someone is not, tell them that their energy is going to affect your positive energy, if that does not change the way they are, get away from them. Ask people for solutions, not problems.

9)      Figure it out, do you want to search all of your life for happiness or do you want to live a happy life? Happiness is not something that is found, it is something that was never lost, and it is right with you all of the time, waiting for you to embrace it. – Stop looking for happiness, start being happy.

10)  Have a good day. You can only have it if you want it. – Say “I am having a good day” and don’t be a liar, definitely not to yourself. As a matter of fact, stop lying to everyone.  

Now, before you respond to me about all the BAD stuff that has happened to you, don’t bother, I can match you “bad for bad” and you most likely will not win, the difference is I am thankful for those adverse times and you are not. They got me to where I am today. I do not regret the past, I do not worry about the future, because neither really exists, it is today, this moment, and that I choose to be happy right now.

Some people ask me when they hear my story how I can be so happy? Here is what I tell them “Do you think that because I have had bad circumstances in my past that I deserve to suffer all my life for them? I will not.”   

I do not mean to sound self righteous, but the fact is, I am happy and you aren’t.  I love my life, I love my gifts, and I love me. No one but me is to take the credit for that and damn am I good…

My heart is with you on your journey.

Lizzy

Recently I have run into a few women that I have noticed a trend with. It has been startling to see how many of us out there NEED to be accepted by their parents. The problem with that sentence is NEED. It is natural to WANT people to “like” you, or accept what you are doing in your life.

Two of the women that I have talked to in the last week were facing the challenge of telling their mothers that they are with child. These ladies (who are in their thirties mind you) were so worried that they were losing sleep; I mean seriously, this was a “red zone case” as Caesar Milan would say. I will ignore for now what a waste of time worrying is and just talk about releasing the need for others approval.

Our parents have us, raise us, and release us into the world, all the while being proud and disappointed. Basically, by the time a parent has “done their time” they are used to both disappointment in themselves and in us as well as a sense of pride in themselves and their children. It is no question that there are no perfect parents or children in the world. As we take flight (on OUR OWN journey) we stay linked to these imperfect humans forever.

The challenge is to release into flight with only love strings attached. These are the people that love you as their child, but also love you as the only human being that they have influence in making. These are also the people that you have to thank or blame for who you are. Too many times we spend our lives trying to live up to the vision that our parents have for us, and find out too late that it is not our own vision, leaving us feeling resentful and lost. Keep in mind, when parents show disappointment sometimes, they are really showing their “ego”, they want to blame anyone but themselves for the act you are doing. After 18 years old, it is not them, it is you making choices, but sometimes they are unable to cut the apron strings.

Once you are off the books at home it is important to realize that this is our journey. It is also important to teach our children that acceptance is not a need, but a want, and if all else fails, disappointing another is much less important than disappointing ourselves.

I have a relationship with my parents, I call it friendship.

That being said; let us do our best to accept our parents for who they are, accept ourselves for whom we are, and require nothing from anyone but ourselves. If your parents don’t “like” you, IT IS OKAY, there is only a problem if YOU don’t like YOU. The only thing that I can say is lead by positive example. If you don’t like what they are, it is okay. You can still love someone without feeling admiration for who they are in their core. Someone can love you without agreeing with you.

I think that a lot of times we seem to place on others the unsure feelings we have within our own psyche, take ownership of those. If you find yourself blaming your unhappiness on someone like your parents, maybe it is you that is having a problem with the situation that you are in, therefore you need to change, not them.

Parents accept your children, at any age, disappointments and all, and maybe just maybe one day they will learn to accept your failures.

Which brings me to forgiveness…. There is not one person that I have ever talked to that has had a perfect childhood, close, but not perfect. We are all simply dysfunctional; the last perfect person that was on this earth, imperfect people hung on a cross, so it is not a bad thing that we are working from an angle of flaws. Since “those in glass houses should not throw stones” I encourage everyone to try to forgive our parents for the disappointments that they have created for us, learn from them what not to do, and be thankful that they taught you the lesson. It is the anger that is held for so long that handicaps our forward movement.

Lastly, forgive yourself for your imperfections, failures, disappointments, and down right wrong doings. It is you that is in this moment, and if you are better that you were yesterday, you are being a positive member of humanity. The three biggest wastes of time in life are guilt, worry, and anger, so quit wasting your precious time. Someone once told me that if you try to drive forward in your car, but are always looking in the rear view mirror, you are bound to hit something. Let us stop living in the past, let us forgive those who have screwed us over, and let us be better than we were yesterday, kinder, more loving, more forgiving, and more accepting.

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

Our friend G.R.
1) A friend should be caring. Not just about me, but about all good things, and be willing to improve a situation that needs improvement, and openly celebrate that improvement.
2) A friend should see the glass half full… not half empty. Being positive is much better than being negative.
3) A friend should be happy to laugh at himself or herself and not be afraid to laugh at and with others. This is a sign of self confidence.
4) A friend will support others in times of need and be willing to be supported when they are in need…
5) A friend should be able to talk about problems and listen about problems without being judgmental or becoming a gossip about the problem… Support is better than “fixing the problem”. Support will help a person discover learn how to fix the problem.
This is my grandmother’s first entry on letscoffeetalk. Although all my writings have been influenced by her, and when I was a child, I think back to first feeling of true friendship, and her face is there. My first friend, My G.R., my Grandmother. I cannot even begin to say what an example it set for me as a friend, I am honored to be her friend, and honored that she was giving enough to share with us today.
I will describe only this friendship on this post, when things have been tough, there has been a constant friend that has listened, left her ego at the door, sat in silence when there was nothing to be said, said nothing but what was in her heart when I was ready to listen, and never lost faith in me. She has seen me grow, regress, and dream my way to where I am today, never once holding me back. Most importantly, she makes me feel loved.

Aunt Kate-

1. Honesty – no way a friendship can exist without it.

2. Loyalty – no matter where you are in your journey they are there supporting you even if they disagree.

3. Must possess a sense of humor; be unique and smart – why you were probably attracted in the first place.

4. Must be a good listener (drinking coffee is a plus)

5. Reliable – show up for events and share times that are important in life.

It is so important to “show up”. Someone once said that “half of life is just showing up”, if that is true, the other half would be showing up in someone else’s life. Whether bad or good, things are even better or less bad if you have a true friend there. Be there for your friends, for what ever you can be, it will make your life complete.

Our friend Kristi-

1. Honesty. No one wants the friend that says I am sick, can’t make it and then when they aren’t at your party, you see them out at another bar….Sick huh?

2. Reliable. When you need them are they there for you as you are for them?

3. Communication. Talk to one another about yours and their problems, some one to listen when you need it and vice versa. Or someone that you keep in touch with and call when you have great news to share, etc.

4. Love. Is this someone you truly care about, do you love them? I feel the people that are my friends, I truly love, wish no harm on and would feel awful if something ever did happen to them. If not, they may just be acquaintances and not truly “friends”

5. Respect. Do you respect that person and their feelings.

Defining relationships for what they are, if you “love” someone they are your friend, of not they are an acquaintance. It is so important to know where people stand with you. Having the best wishes for all, make the wishes know for those you love, “I wish….. For your life”, let your friends know where you stand.

Our friend Heidi-

1) Good friends know when to listen

2) Good friends know how to tell you to be quiet and listen

3) Good friends are good friends across all passage of time and/or distance

4) Good friends don’t just pick you up when you’re down, they give you a boost to go above.

5) Good friends are good friends no matter what we say, do, throw, or lose; they see friendship first and everything else that happens second.

Number four is so near and dear to my heart, you not only need a friend when you are down and out, you need a friend to witness the good times, and even make them better. Call the one you know is doing well, make yourself a testament of positivity in that friends life. It will give you the positive strength to help another friend who is down, it will be that strength that helps you pick them up. We not only need friendship in times of need, but to celebrate abundance.

Our friend Rubin-

1) There when you NEED them. You can’t cry ‘wolf’ for nothing.

2) There to ask advice from, good or bad.

3) There to have your back no matter the situation.

4) One who does things for you without question, not surprise though.

5) Last but not least, loves you for who you are and nothing more.

Loving someone for who they are, not hoping they were different, wishing they were something else, letting them be what they are and loving them for that alone. If someone makes you feel bad for who you are, do not surround yourself with them. This has been a recent lesson for me, if you feel bad about yourself around someone; they are not your friend. No matter how good on paper they look. If you love someone, love all of them, if you cannot do that, they are not a friend.
I have been in friendships that have made me feel rotten; these weren’t friendships they were my ego trying to “fit in”.

Our friend Kathleen-

1) Honesty - must have true information exchanges don’t want parroting of my opinions

2) Confidentiality - must be able to confide without FaceBook postings

3) Positive Attitude - if you don’t know how to be positive I cannot hang with you

4) Ability to Change/Grow - relationships evolve and adaptability is crucial

5) Sense of Humor - seeing the funny side of things is how I cope

“True exchange of information”, so many times we go with the easy route, that is fine on your commute, but this is how we grow and develop through friendship, it is so important to see through others eyes, and if those are lying eyes you never get anywhere. The truth will set you free, friendships should be free like a bird allowing us to soar to the highest mountain tops.

Our friend Bill

Well, here’s one attribute of a good friend…………………..Compassionate Honesty………a good friend knows how to tell the truth without hurting their friend’s feelings.
I agree that friends should have compassion, both in hearing and listening. I suppose if you have trust you can speak without ego and can hear without ego. It is only then that friendship can blossom.
Compassionate ears are trustful ears and a compassionate voice comes from speaking from the heart. If they are not simultaneously dancing together, you are not speaking the language of friendship.

Our friend Michael-

1) Reliable – without trust in that persons ability to show up or do what they say, there is no relationship

2) Commonalities - interests/sense of humor/lifestyle – critical to wanting to spend time with them

3) Fun/Funny – making funny is fun

4) Considerate – respects others and their time

5) Honest – no explain necessary

Doing what you say you are going to do. Friendship should not be a puzzle for all of us to figure out how to put together. Life is full of disappointments, those we position ourselves in front of, and those that chance aligns us with, but at no point should a friend be a let down. This does not mean that a friend will never disappoint you, but it should be an unspoken agreement that they will do all they can to avoid it. That is friendship.

Our Friend Marie

1. Trustworthy, you want to be able to tell them things and they won’t tell other people.

2. Reliable, so they don’t let you down for meeting up etc.

3. Good listener if you need to pour your heart out.

4. Good sense of humor, always important in all people

5. Uncomplicated, by that I mean your friendship is always there and you don’t have to do nothing it is just there.

Friendship should not be complicated, it should be rather easy, when it isn’t you must take it as a red flag that it is unbalanced, too much taking or giving is going on, that is not a healthy relationship. That is not saying there is not work involved, but it should not feel like a job. Sometimes that balance becomes permanently off, it is important that you realize that the benefits are not mutual, therefore start giving more, stop giving so much, or think about where this relationship seems to be going.

Our Friend Shawna-

1. Honesty…I want the truth no matter if it hurts or not.

2. Loyalty…I would rather have one true friend than 20 fair weather friends.

3. Funny/fun…Its always important to be able to laugh with your friends.

4. Reliable…this is one I struggle with but I think it makes a good friend.

5. Uncomplicated…friendship shouldn’t be a chore…its should be enjoyable….

It is quality not quantity, having one A+ is better than having three C’s. Know them when you have them, nurture them, and be grateful for them every day.

Our Friend Stephanie-

1. TRUST- I believe you can only be really good friends with someone you trust since you are bound to tell them most things about you and your life.

2. PERSONALITY- you have to be able to have fun with your good friend, in some ways you need them to be like you and in other ways you need them to be completely different than you. But in all ways, you need to love who they are, after all one reason they are your friend because they can make you smile!

3. HOBBIES-likes and dislikes, a friend should have things in common with you, i mean what’s the point of a friend if you don’t do anything together because you have no similar hobbies. But just as important it’s good to have diff. hobbies so that you can teach, educate, and show your friend new things and vise versa. EXAMPLE- Me, Lizzy and Politics- I have never been into it, and she helps me understand and educates me about it, now I love knowing what’s going on.

4. HOT ASSOCIATIONS- whether or not they have hot family members or friends. .If not, no friend! OK THIS ONE IS A JOKE!

5. FAMILY FRIENDLY- family is huge in my life, so its important that a friend can get along and fit into my family, just as I would want to fit into theirs. It would be very hard not to be able to talk with your family about a friend because they didn’t like them.

6. GO GETTER- I really enjoy people who are willing to try new things, not afraid of life, if they complain about things then they try and fix it- i dislike lazyness, and enjoy having friends that have ambition.

Friends are chosen family, it is so important that a true friend be able to fit into all aspects of your life, like your crazy family (we all have one), your crazy other friends (we all have those too) and your general life. They must also respect those that you love, embrace them, and see them through your eyes. They do not have to “love” everyone, as it is impossible for your heart to love someone that you have a personality conflict with, but the ability to see them for what they are to your friend is what makes you a true friend.

Our Friend Doug-

1) LOYALTY - AKA BEING “TRUE-BLUE”
2) HONESTY - SOMETIME “BRUTAL HONESTY” WHEN REQUIRED
3) UNDERSTANDING
4) COMPASSION
5) SENSE OF HUMOR!!!
With a friend, sometimes you don’t need to give the “why” behind everything, even if they ask for it. Just kidding!

Our Friend Mike-
Well lets see…

1. Boobs…definitely, the bigger the better the better the friend…
2. A sexy neck…something that just makes u want to bite it…
3. A good kisser…who wants a friend who isn’t a good kisser? not me…
4. Eye contact…eye contact creates a fun dynamic between 2 friends…
5. Confidence…confident friends are the sexiest…

Um did i not read your question correctly?

All of my new friends have come from match.com in the past year. so the attributes i look for are a little skewed compared to everyone else’s i think

On a serious note.

1. A good friend is someone who you can think of and smile. Someone who is not just a ‘fair weather’ friend, but who loves you and all your baggage that you have accumulated through the years.
2. Someone who can tell you when they think you are making a mistake even though you will be mad at them for telling you.
3. Someone who will never say anything behind your back that they wouldn’t say in front of you.
4. Someone who would defend your character if others were questioning it. Someone you would trust with your children.
5. Someone you can count on like you would a brother or sister. someone who would probably leave a hole in your heart if they were gone forever…

I saved this one to talk about humor. Humor to me is the single most important thing in life, well that and love. There is nothing in a friendship that is more dear to my heart than laughter. Call your friends when something funny comes into your mind, call them immediately. With all the sadness, anger, despair, and crapola in this world, we need to laugh, it is the only cure, besides love. I have loved hundreds of friends, but it is the ones that make me laugh that I cannot live without.

Our friend Pete-

1. Have you ever been with someone who you simply want to shut up? You find yourself resenting them because they are wasting your time and energy prattling away. We all want to be listened too, want to be heard. I think most people are like me, they have no problem being heard. If I have something to say, you are going to hear it. Let me tell you something, if all your friends just listen to you, might want to ask if they think you are their friend. The more time you shut up, the more time you listen really represents how important they are to you. Me being able to listen is a trend that all my friends have.

2. I am a stimuli junky, which is why I am so glad I have never taken speed. I enjoy having my friends making me think, laugh, cry, and figure out stuff. This is probably the one thing that comes close to being check box and also the most detrimental to the friendship, additionally, makes it hard to be in a relationship with me. I consider emotions apart of this, although, I really like thinking and I like being around people who make me think. In all honesty it overshadows the emotional part. The difficult part is that I know that life is hardly stimulating. I certainly cannot be intense all of the time. So, many times I withdraw from my friendships or do not participate with the in-depth analysis of the day to day stuff. Laundry, dishes, & work do not need to be elaborated on. Even though I approach it as “letting each other live our own life” I know it is hard for most people.

3. Have you met someone who is perfect? Or in reality, is trying to look perfect? Come on, who do you think you’re kidding? I distrust perfect people. Perfection does not exist. So if you are promoting perfection you are hiding something. Life is not perfect and the more you live it, the more imperfect it becomes. I am not perfect, not by a long shot. Matter of fact, the more imperfect you are, the more life you probably have lived. My friends have lived a lot of life, and know they are not perfect. I can trust them to make mistakes and be who they are. They know I am going screw a few things up to. We don’t need to be something ideal, just ourselves, flaws included.

4. To be human is to strive to overcome one owns imperfections. This is one thing that all my friends possess; to constantly be bettering themselves, growing as a person, and overcoming their own challenges. Contentment and stability is always a momentary thing, none of my friends are stereotypical soccer moms with their boring traditional “settled” lifestyle or blissfully living on a plateau of life. They are self aware and want more from themselves. Life is not an achievement list to consider as done, but rather a series of building blocks that supports each other, along with moments of reflection and self discovery.

5. Have you ever known somebody who just agreed with everyone? Who never wanted to rock the boat? You know “Sheeple.” Nicest people around but never had an opinion. Support is a good thing, but not all the time. My friend Joe put this way, “I know when somebody has accepted me, when they tell me to shut up.” My friends challenge me, not only do they have an opinion but they will give it to me too. Some might hit me in the back of the head, others might have a bit more flare, and there are those who much latter makes me go “hey…when you said…” Confrontation is not a scary thing, we trust each other in that, although we might not like what is about to be said, we will still love each other afterwards. It is trust and an understanding that allow us to challenge each other.
“The Sheeple”, the ones who take the easy way out.
Latch on to the ones that can open your mind, I believe that when your mind closes you die, maybe not in body, but in spirit. Live with the minds that are alive! Don’t close any doors.

Our friend Kate-

1. Someone who is honest, especially when it’s something hard to be honest about.
2. Someone who you can get busy and not talk to for days, weeks, months, or years and it’s ok.

3. Someone that knows by the tone of your voice or the look in your face that your not really ok, no matter how many times you say you are, but lets you fake it anyway.

4. Some who doesn’t let you fake it anymore when it’s not healthy for you

5. YOU

Tell your friends that they are your friend. It is so important for you to let people know where they stand with you in your life’s context. If you love someone tell them so, if you don’t, don’t. The truth is so important in our lives, it makes us more aware of who we are and more aware of what influence we have in each others lives. We are all trying to live, if we allow one another to live in a fantasy we are not doing any favors. Be here, in this moment with a few great friends.

This has also allowed me to think more about the type of friend that I am and the type of friends that I have embraced. Truthfully, in this process it has made me so grateful for some of the people in my life, it has made me miss some long lost friends, and made me consider that maybe some of my friends are better than others, some credit is just not due to some of the people I have been giving it to.

The thought process has been eye opening. I have found that some of the friends I have are actually better friends than I thought, and others really are not as good as they once were. Once thing is for sure, it has made me so much more aware and grateful for the people past and present that have drifted through my journey with me.

Laughter

I like to laugh. I find the world so funny, I find myself funny, I want to find you funny, and a friend must find life’s most mundane things amusing. There is really nothing that is not funny if you are looking for humor within it. My life has had some crappy times, but in and out of it I have somehow found the humor, it is the one constant. “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion”-Steel Magnolias. That quote says it all.

Wants to know who I am today

No one ever stays the same, people change, develop, grow, and regress, I want to be someone who wants to know me for who I am today, who I want to be, and who I wish I was not. I need someone to want to know me not for who I was yesterday, but constantly wanting to learn about my ever changing perceptions.

Giving My life

Time is our most valuable form of trade in a friendship. Time is the only thing that I can “give” to someone that says “here, I am giving you part of my life”. If you are not willing to give your time (i.e. Life) then I do not consider you to be a friend. Whether it is talking on the phone, emailing, IMing, sending a note though the mail, stopping by for coffee, making plans for dinner, what ever it is, giving your time for no other reason than you feel like someone is worth giving a part of your life to. Not because you feel sorry for them, obligated, or just bored, but you really are enriched by spending moments together.  

Straight Talk

I like to be someone that can and will say it pretty straight, I expect the same from the people I surround myself with. There should not be secrets between friends about each other. However, there should be confidentiality, the kind that not even water torture could get out of me. I believe that if a friend tells you something that is a secret it should be heard as if it was never said, that is that. With that being said, if I am fat, call me fat, if I am a jerk, call me one, and if I am in trouble, let me know. Not everything is easy to hear, but if a friend tells you before you have to figure it out, you don’t feel like you are the last to know. This is a tough one; it is the reason that I don’t have a million friendships.

Positive Living

As I have said, I have had a bit of adversity in my life, I have had some great friends to lift me from the ditches that chance threw me into. I AM grateful for those brave individuals. If I can be someone that can see the positive lessons to be learned in any situation even if it is my own or someone else’s I feel that it is a productive relationship. It is so important to take life’s curveballs and smack them out of the park, and if everyone on my team can do it, even better. My friends must be able to live in a positive world.

“Friends” is such a weird word, often used to loosely. I consider my friends as chosen family, these are the people that often are not blood related but they are burned into my heart forever. I try not to use the words “Best” friend anymore, they are all the “best”. I am grateful for the gift of friendship that all of you have given me. I am thankful for my old friends, new friends, and future friends. I will say this, I do actually have a “best” friend, it is me, and it was the hardest relationship I ever established.

My friends are the ones that bear witness to my life, they have put my existence in context to the grand scale, it is these souls that will be able to tell my story, and they are what make me real.    

I will be gathering all the feedback that I received and posting it soon.

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy