Yesterday while having Brunch with a dear friend I came across a subject that many of us have come into in our lives. You meet, fall in love, day by day you get closer, you intertwine your lives, things go beautifully for days, weeks, and sometimes years, and then the unthinkable happens, you grow apart, you realize that you were not mean to share your days with this person, and the inevitable happens, you break up.

Somewhere in this tangled mess, sorting out what emotions are mine, what are yours, and what should just be let go as a sacrifice to the “love gone bad God” is hard, really hard. The problem lies in The Break-up-er and The Break-up-ee, both difficult spots to be in, one powerful, one powerless, but the constant is, neither are easy. For the “Break-up-er” you feel like you are giving up, you feel guilty, you are calling the game, throwing in the towel, quitting. For the “Break-up-ee” you feel rejected, given up on, and powerless, he or she does not want you anymore, you have failed.

Basically, we have got two Ego’s, running amuck, and when the Ego drives the car, there is sure to be a wreck.

First, Emotional Separation. This seems to be the most difficult step of the process, when you got together you were separate beings, for years and years you went on with your days without knowing what this certain person was doing, how they were feeling, who they were feeling it with, why they felt one way or the other, but now, it is difficult to go back to the feeling that you have felt for the majority of your lifetime.

Yet, it is hard to go back to that time, a free time.

You cannot forget this person, they themselves have done one of two things, they have either taught you, what you do want in a mate, or what you don’t want, usually the ladder of the two, but I think that moving on, it is key to put them in one of the two categories.

For the “Break-up-er” having confidence in your decision will allow you to feel like you have done the “Break-up-ee” some sort of favor (which is true) he or she will now be free to find love that is more to his or her liking. That should be a honorable decision, one not to feel guilty for, or even like you are a quitter. See, not playing a game that you know you have no chance of winning is called smart. Unless you are just playing the game for fun, and love is no game to play for fun, not long term at least.

For the “Break-up-ee” having faith in yourself, that you are lovable, loving, and powerful allows you to walk away with the knowledge that one day someone will be able to love you on your terms. When insecurity leaks into your ship, you sink, and the only way to stop it is to stop blaming (yourself or the other) and start accepting, accept that this is not what you want (why would you?). When someone no longer wants to be with you, that is their problem, not yours, and it is not your job to fix anyone. Fixing someone else is impossible, you control fixing yourself, and that is the power you have.

Now, I have seen this go to extremes, people start screaming at one another, calling names, blaming, threatening (all the things one does in a desperate situation), but why? Why do we allow ourselves to be these ugly people?

Answer? EGO

When you step back, take a look at what has happened, realize that there were good times, bad times, boring times, hectic times, laughter, tears, and final decisions you realize this is just a chapter of your life, some chapters are longer than others, but this one is coming to a conclusion, you can end it the way it began, hopeful, and forward looking, not brutal, ugly, angry, and desperate.

Friendship?

History will show that a friendship after a lover-ship is almost impossible. To untangle that emotional ball that you call a relationship takes separation. Therefore, for a while, no friendship is obtainable until you are completely healed, could take a lifetime, could take a year, who knows, you will when you are ready. You need friends when you break-up, just not the person you were in a relationship with to help you get through it. Like I said, unraveling the strings of a love gone bad can be messy, and the last person you need is the one who made the mess with you cleaning it up, the mess will just get worse, trust me, seen it too many times.

No calls, no visits, no talks, no favors, for as long as it takes to get you in a place that you are thankful for the relationship as it was, comfortable with being out of the relationship, and relaxed with the person you are without him or her. Don’t drunk dial him or her, have a plan that if you do have too many wines or beers, you have a designated friend to call. Keep yourself busy.

Why does it feel so good to get into the relationship and so bad getting out of it? Should we not celebrate the experience, while holding our dignity high? Why do we let our Ego control what our mind and heart should be in charge of?

In the Eagle’s song, Wasted Time, they speak about the girl that felt like she had wasted her time on a relationship… What if it wasn’t wasted time? What if it was just time, learning what you did or didn’t want? Would that be a comfort?

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy           

Prop 8, Gay marriage was shut out in California, and continues to be shut out continuously around our Country. Church and State are not supposed to be mixed, shaken, or stirred here in America, land of the quilted lifestyle. Yet, there seems to be a hitch or constant hitches.

I believe that there is a place for Church in our communities, they are even welcomed with Tax Exemptions because of the work they do as far as charity and kindness for humanity. I am having a hard time understanding that while they reap the benefits of having the freedom to practice their own religions in our country, they feel that in this same country others should not have the same rights. I am not Gay, just an American, or just a human being really, and I do not understand how these lines keep crossing.

If it says in the Bible that God doesn’t want you to be gay and you have faith in the Bibles words, FINE, don’t be gay yourself, but when you start to say other people cannot under the American Constitution, I believe that you are being Un-American. Bucking the Constitution in which this country was founded on, in which it has been made great; you are saying that you no longer want to be protected under our laws. What if tomorrow it was illegal for you to be married to your husband or wife? You are saying that it is okay for American law to do that.   

Keep your Church out of my State, I say that with kindness and sincerity, you are not in charge of these peoples souls, if they will go to hell because they wanted to marry their love (and you believe that), that is their priority. I say, GODSPEED to everyone that thinks that they are ready for marriage…. There are so many things that Jesus would do out there, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, love the unloved, provide hope to the hopeless, teach tolerance to the hateful, and encourage kindness in a world that seems cruel. With all this to do, the last thing on the Christian mind should be stopping a certain type of love, right? Until these are all taken care of, let us start prioritizing the sheer desperate need in this “beautiful county”.

My Heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

Pete,

I am going to write to each of the points that you brought up, within you beautiful letter, then I would also like to ask your permission to Post your letter on Letscoffeetalk, because I think it is perfect.

I did try to keep Politics off of Letscoffeetalk for so long because I really wanted to focus on a more raw way of getting things done. There are times that I am in a position of questioning my failure or successes with my project of “changing the world for the better”, but I remind myself that making one humans day brighter is a success that goes beyond all of my conception. When you figure one day can be so important, especially if it would be my last, I look at everyday as my only day, no yesterdays and no tomorrows, it is the only day I have. My job is done and just beginning all the time.

I believe that we have a unique relationship in that we have no why’s just is’s. This has allowed both of us to see the beauty within each other without fogging it up with grey matter. I would like to get to know more of my friends in this way, like seeing the core of an apple before the bruises and skin. I suppose I am an oxymoron; there are so many contradictions that ones mind would spin into circles if one would let it.

I recognize that because I don’t believe in endings or beginnings just changes, I believe that this is just another step, there has been many leading to this crossroad, and there will be many more intersections ahead. I will not stop, never, and I will encourage others to change with the change.  You are right; we must move with urgency, this is our time to make a difference.

 Well, there is so many ways to “change” the world; my favorite is making peoples days a bit better one at a time, through kindness and understanding. Our perspective needs to be “changed” to seeing beauty not fear or negativity. Giving compliments, smiles, and little tiny gestures of humanity is the way to make the biggest difference in the most efficient way. Not asking people to agree with me, but asking myself to be alright with disagreement. The abortion topic or any other will always be there, but if I decide to make it a wall between myself and others, I will not move closer to anyone, just further away. There is so much grey area; I have no right to be black and white.

As for our next generation, the only way we can make the promise to our children is to lead by positive example, and show them how, and guide them. I have faith in our children because I have faith in us. Symptoms are taught to our children, but they can be positive rather than negative. Molly and Alex have seen me give love to a stranger, and in turn they will give love to a stranger.

I believe that when we wake up, we have a choice to either be in hell or in heaven, in peace or at war, it is all a moment to moment choice, as we start to guide our perception to peace, and actively seeking it, we will instantly become a happier people. We are Powerful, more than we give ourselves credit for being, more than our government knows, it is time to be positively powerful, as we all make that shift there will be a more successful world as a whole, but this takes one person at a time, making a conscious effort to see the world in this moment as peaceful, loving, and good.   

Nader saved one life and that is something. Do I agree with that law, of course not, but I believe that if that were my son or daughter, I would be thankful for what he did.  See we don’t have to agree to see the beauty in what someone is doing.

There are so many ways to make someone’s life better, sometimes it is cleaning out their closet, and other times it is understanding a woman’s choice to kill her unborn child, it is a huge field of empathy and in some cases sympathy, it is a willingness to sit with someone, just to be there. We are not Jesus Christ (or whom ever you look to for guidance) so the best thing we can do, is take the moment given to us as humans and react like we should. All the unkindness in the world is just a result of knowing we can be that way; know that we can be kind too.  

I know that you would NEVER attack me; I know that you are asking me these questions to ensure that I have thought of these, and answered them in my own mind. I have not failed, if I save one moment a day of someone else’s, my success is huge. I have not sent myself on this journey, nor have you; we are on this journey together just the same. We are all on this journey together, and the ones that don’t know that they are on it yet, are just a few steps behind, it is our job to grab their hand and help them along.  

My Heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

To my dear friend Liz,

Congratulations!  Our man won the white house.  I think it’s funny how you tried keep out of politics within coffeetalk, but it still slipped in.  I figure anyone who boasts that they are creating a web forum to change the world, could not stay out of politics.  Especially at this time.  I also read some of your MySpace blogs where you gave yourself some more freedom with your beliefs.  I think you have done a wonderful job in both of those arenas.  Based on my own experience, I am sure that that there have been times for you that are beyond “challenging” and more “trying.” Where you ask yourself if what you are attempting to do will ever work or succeed.  Which leads to questioning yourself, if it is all worth it?  Let me tell you something, it is worth it; simply because we have to do it.  Unfortunately, it is a job that is never accomplished, there is always more to do.  The Putman books puts it correctly, “there will always be a war between authority and reason, between ignorance and wisdom.”  I think cops fighting against “evil” for “good” have an easier job than what it is you are even thinking of doing. 

This really has brought me to two questions in which I wish to ask you.  There are several things, as our relationship has grown, which I wonder about.  Yes we are close, but we mostly communicate between emails and the forum-which reveals our direct thoughts and passions, yet remove the day to day; which we are more apart of.  So, even though we are close and dear to each other, because we perhaps reveal an “inner side” of selective thoughts (you have no idea that I am a complete ASS when I wake up, which is very difficult to deal with if you have to get grocers at 9 o’clock)have that intimate yet vague understanding of each other.  This is a way for me to say that I feel close and love you as a person, but there is a part of me that knows we have kept things from each other; for later, when we feel more comfortable.  Anyway that is not the point of my questions; but rather, for the last few months, this is what has been plaguing me about you (because you are one of those people who one question can last several months.)

The Direct Question.

Do you consider this a first step or the final step?  You have been active in getting a man elected to president.  This election has change the tactics, with an unprecedented method of getting people to work together, on their own initiative to back a man to lead us.  We have not elected a man to do the job for us, but rather to lead us to do the job.  There is plenty of work, sacrifice, and mistakes to make for each and everyone of us.  I hope you are ready not just to carry on, but to do more, you do not the type to quit just now.

The More Abstract Question

Just how do we change the world?  Do we just change people towards way of thinking, having them think like us makes us feel better?  If everyone agreed with me, my life would be better.  I hope that if we truly looked within ourselves, we would be able to acknowledge the desire for that, yet be pragmatic enough to look beyond it.  Which still leaves the question unanswered.  Do we solve the symptoms of a problem, like “how long can a woman go to term before getting an abortion?” or “what is the age in which a girl should tell her parents?” or find the deeper meaning that “each situation is so diverse to another, along with their personal burdens and potential futures that, no true regulation can possibly define that potential, which leaves only a choice of that of the mother.” You see, when you start really looking at the question it changes from HOW to WHAT. Because HOW only solves the now, we can change someone’s view right now, but what about the next generation? Will it stick? Will someone else have to do our job for us? If we can change WHAT then we hit upon the belief systems that will be taught to their children.  This is a simple question to pose, yet quiet complex within its nature and forever moves us farther into the abstract.  Despite what we would hope for, we must consider what we as humans are capable of.  We have to look at the evidence as to what is within our nature, (I do not hope for peace on earth, it is not with our nature at this time, all I can look forward to is a time when it can be truly within our hope.) 

You see, I know the quest you have put yourself on.  Although we have been on different paths to arrive at this point, we seek the same goal.  Now is the time to look at what that goal really is.  Ralph Natter passed legislation requiring Americans to wear seat belts, although several lives were saved-did he really do anything?  I think you want to change the quality of life, not by having a name brand in your home, but rather a better way of thinking.

I hope that you understand that these are questions in which you have to answer for yourself, not directly to me.  Additionally, that they are not attacks on what you are doing or your success, but rather, a way for you to become more precise and effective. 

Love from a concerned friend,

Pete

This morning I awoke early, as I always do, but today, I woke to find a new day, one that looks beautiful, and although some of my loved friends still have their “problems” I will only offer solutions, and I will not take it to my heart if they are not willing to jump on the solution horse with me. I hopped  out of bed, threw some water on my face, made that key first pot of coffee, and while it was brewing I sat with myself, meditated for ten minutes, stretched for five minutes, and thought to myself, “Wealth, Health, and Abundance for all, but first, for me”.

As I was telling my number one coffeetalker about my step forward, she said a statement that made me laugh and think at the same time…

“You are not a train, You are a Car, you can turn at anytime, even all the way around, You have brakes, and gas, You must constantly be aware of when and how to use both, and if You are unsure of where to go, it’s always best to ask for directions”- Mom

She still amazes me, its funny after thirty-one years of lessons, she always gives perfect direction.

If you are not on the right track, sometimes stopping, getting an idea of where you want to go, and even asking for directions will get you to an even better place than you had anticipated, today I am in a better place than I thought I could be…. 

My Heart is with You on your Journey,

Lizzy

My heart is with you on this journey…. I always say this in closing, but today I give you my heart at the beginning, and here is why, when I open my heart to the world it is open, so on this particular journey I hope you come to the world open and if you need to borrow my heart to do it, so be it yours.

About five years ago, I moved from my home town, from my family, my life long friends, everything that I knew to a new start, a beginning. The fear was only shadowed by the longing for something greater, something unknown, but almost like “faith”, I knew it was out there (or in there), I couldn’t describe how exactly I knew, but my heart was telling me to go, and so I went.

For the first few months (eight to be exact) I met the first and truest of my new friends, me. I had never known myself without the influence of others, nor did I ever long to know me. For this time, I went to work, came home, night after night the same thing. I didn’t have cable, I didn’t have the internet, I had me and my heart, and my brain finally introduced the two of us. This was my biggest growth step, it was fast and furious, I realized that I, too, had a story, for so long being in sales, trained to pull everyone else’s life history out in the shortest amount of time possible, never really telling my tale, only sharing bits and pieces (the ones I thought would work best for their comfort). So for these days I “probed” myself. Basically what I was doing was walking into someone’s home (mine) that I didn’t even know, and I was talking to her, figuring out what she liked, what she didn’t like, what her dreams were, and what her fears were, and when I was done, I loved her.

 Of course I had acted like I loved me for years, if anyone described me before this transition it would probably be “full of myself”, or “cocky”, when in fact, I was lost, I was a liar, and I pretty much “sold” myself to everyone I had ever met, not knowing what or who I was selling to anyone.

This time period was not a comfortable one, it was best described as feeling your way clear through a house in the dark searching for a light switch. It was scary and kind of exciting in a haunted house kind of way, but when that light switch was flipped, there was no turning back, I could see things so clearly, I could see me.

The reason I am telling everyone about this is I truly don’t believe that until you have made friends with yourself, until you can sit with you, are you capable of sitting with others. I had never been a true friend to anyone, never been anything but a lie to everyone. I painted the scenery the way I wanted it to look, not the way it was, and until I became comfortable with the way my scenery looked, for real, I really never shared my existence with anyone.

Until you can shamelessly look in the mirror you cannot see the world with honor.

I remember THAT day so clearly. I had gone to get my bi-weekly manicure and pedicure, “my big outing”, and I was driving back to my house when I realized I was ready to meet new people, prepared to start landscaping around this home that I had created within myself. I drove past my “hide away” and pulled into the local pub for a drink. I figured it was time for people to enjoy me as I had been learning to do  for months. I had forgiven all (including myself) and I was ready to let them in. I sat down, and friends came, and came, and came, and are still coming. Sure, I have to weed my garden every now and then, but more times than not, they are beautiful flowers that make everyday brighter.

The reality is the more confident I am with my heart the more comfortable it becomes to let people into it. Today I am so at ease with me; I have become so strong over the last five years just by letting me into my heart, and then letting others in.

My suggestion for you today is to gather a new friend from somewhere, even if it happens to be yourself. Keep gathering friends after that. You can have too much money, too many things, too much space, too much time, but never can you have too many friends. Especially when your truest friend lies within yourself!

My Heart Is With You on Your Journey,

Lizzy

Liz~

I could not agree more with your thoughts during your gathering. Taking the time to simply ask questions and having an open mind to understanding a different point of view will quickly become enlightening and intriguing.
In regards to your friend, I also agree that the best thing to do for her or anyone making a life changing decision is to simply listen, support, and help her paint a picture of where she sees herself in the future. All while encouraging her to make a choice that will put her in the “future” picture that she painted for herself. Giving some advice is only going to work if they are open to receiving it and that can only happen if they know where they would like to be at the end of the journey.
I remember a friend of mine that was in a relationship that was unhealthy and truely stiffling her potentential as a person. Now I truely take zero credit for the choices that she made, but I do know and take pride in the fact that I was just there for her each week in that local diner where we simply listening to each other and encouraged one another to make choices that were best for us. For a couple of twenty- somethings meetings really gave us a better understanding of our lives and our direction. One weekly meeting at the diner resulted the same passionate, energetic, and enlightening conversation. I make my way to the restroom and when I returned, I returned to a woman who made a diffcult but necessary choice to end a relationship that was not part of the “future” picture that she had painted for herself over our many weekly outings.
Having a friend to sit down with over a cup of coffee who will not judge, but encourage and bring clarity to our chaotic lives is invaluable. You are not only receiving the support but it is also rewarding when you are giving it.

I always say that it is easier to see the big picture and the root of the problem when you are on the outside looking in, so having a coffee talk friend to help find and lead you to that clarity is priceless.

Your site is a perfect reflection of you and the person that I have had the privelage of knowing and calling a friend. I am happy to know that more people have the opportunity to share this side of you.

Thank you for being my coffee talk friend Liz. - Heather

When I made this category months ago, I knew I wanted the pieces to be something that would somehow simplify this “overwhelming” process. I had to do some research to see what I did specifically, and what those I have always found “classy” do to make this less complicated. So over the last few months I have collected behaviors that either “turn on” or “turn off” the etiquette “vibe”.

Etiquette has NOTHING to do with money, nothing to do with royalty, and is not unachievable by anyone. It is simply a standard in which you hold yourself and others accountable. For the most part etiquette and manners lead us through everyday events, and remind us to be thoughtful of ourselves and others….. Etiquette doesn’t sound like a bad word to me.

1) Make each other comfortable…..

My Aunt Kate has always been very good at making someone feel “okay” about what ever they feel uncomfortable about. Whether it is what she is wearing or what she has chosen for her life’s career. She has always been able to find some way to have a common ground. She has always put Value in others (whether they deserved it or not), which has made others long to be around her. That sounds like something small, but look at it this way, when people long to be around you, you always feel special. Who doesn’t want that?

I was recently at a gathering, I had nothing in common with anyone there, I let people talk about what was important to them, why it was important to them and so on and so forth….. On and on, and before I knew it, I was having a great time. I wasn’t thinking about me, just them, and I didn’t regret it. I didn’t agree with half the things most were saying, but I didn’t feel any “drive” to tell them they were right or wrong. Why do we feel it is always our battle to fight? Let some people learn for themselves.

I have a friend that is addicted to alcohol. Anyone who has had this has either been let down, inconvenienced, disappointed, or negatively effected; it just goes with the territory. People have tried, myself included to “help” with her disease, it’s a “no go”. To me, it is worth it to still be her friend, hoping one fine day, no more worries, until then, I protect myself. BUT, I don’t take on the burden of fixing her, a fix that will not work until she starts fixing herself; I let her live her life, accepting the good and the bad. I guess that’s what I am saying…. ACCEPT the good the bad and most of all the different….

Going back to what I have done over the years, I think back to a time where I fought all the battles. If you were something I wasn’t, you were wrong, if you were something I was, you were right. Life was that cut and dry. Now looking back, I was a work-a-holic, right wing, know it all, that happened to be the “best” at everything I did (only because I did things I was good at), I was not close to my family, had almost no friends, and couldn’t stand most humans, all by choice, and if that sounds “right” to any of you, maybe you need to take as close of a look at yourself as I had to.

Times changed. Life humbled me with a divorce, and slowly but surely I was alone, on purpose. I sat down and realized that I was all wrong….. And that meant that for years I had thought everyone else was wrong, and “HOLY CRAP”, I had misjudged a lot of people. It was me that didn’t open my mind to the possibility that there are several different rights….. There are far more “rights” in the world than “wrongs”….. Hell, I thought divorce was wrong for years, and no one could have been proven more wrong than I was.

There are different ways to get from the beginning of your life to the end….. But we all somehow manage it, every single one of us…

More to come……

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

To place more value on one life than another is to put yourself in the position of being God. And that’s a position that none of us would really want to be in if we really think about it.
To put more value on one peoples lives than another peoples lives, is a simple and cruel person’s way to justify war and the loss of life that will result.
To place equal value on all lives is the enlightened person’s challenge that leads to peace and harmony. This is the road that is roughest to travel, but the only road to the possibility of hope.

This reminds me of my daughters. I can not describe them as delicate creatures, but wonderful beings. Anyway, back to my story. A couple of months ago I hear a “thud” followed by a scream… 1st daughter had punched 2nd daughter square in the back. ( I still haven’t hear the truth about why) My response is to separate, check to make sure 2nd daughter is not horribly injured, and follow up with a punishment for 1st daughter… And here is the kicker. 2nd Daughter threw herself between 1st daughter and I determined that NOONE and I mean NOONE will hurt her sister, even if the spanking is a punishment for the brutal attack on her! Again. You can do anything to your sister/friend, but don’t let anyone else even look sideways at them.-Kate

This is a letter I sent to my sister……

Dear Katie,

Inspired by your Birthday tomorrow I sat down to think of the last twenty-nine years of knowing Kathryn Jill, or as I have always known you as “my baby sister”, I felt compelled to let you know just how important you have been in my everyday life.

I cannot remember the first eighteen months of my life even when I try very hard, my first memories of my existence you were part of me, and although it has been said that when you were brought into this world I wasn’t very happy about your arrival, I cannot recall those thoughts nor would I want to conceive ever thinking them. You have been a part of me since I was introduced to myself, and without you I have never known, and never will. You are me, and I am you, and that will always be; for I know nothing without you in me.

You were my first best friend, and a true best friend you have remained. Although, I have never completely rapped my mind around the concept, you taught me what I know today about sharing. As children and as adults, if you feel pain, I share your pain, as you take mine. We share secrets, successes, failures, and feelings, and in the end I know that it is you, my dearest friend, that I will, for my entire life, share my life as it has and always will be that way. 

You were my first enemy, and what a remarkable enemy you were. Through the injuries and screaming and bloodshed, it has been you that taught me to forgive, and you that humbled me first. When the wars ended and the battlefield was cleaned up, it was you that I always had on my side, and we have remained our fearless loyal soldiers standing beside each other. We have fought and won and always will fight to the death for each other. You taught me to be true.  I will remain your advocate as it has and always will be that way.

Although it seems that we have taken two different paths in life, we travel those paths together. I have never been lonely because you are always with me and I will always be with you. I have never known life without you.

Tears stream down my cheeks when I write to you because I cannot imagine myself without you. You continuously make me a better human being. I thank you for loving me all of your life, I would be lost without you, for I am not me with out you, “my baby sister”.  Happy Birthday

Forever,

 “SISSY”   

Making Friends with Emotions

When I was just eighteen, a child really, I had a tragedy, a bad one….

Thinking back, I realize that my world, or the world that I knew, my family and friends, sat holding their breath to see what I would end up like. Would I lose my mind? Would I become a nothing? Would my spirit disappear? They were all so careful with me, walking on eggshells, not to disturb what could possibly be a ticking time bomb of emotional dysfunction ready to blow at anytime.   

Now, back then keep in mind, the most beautiful part of being young is that you have no idea of what you are capable of or more importantly NOT capable of. I made friends with grief, sorrow, and confusion; they were the most honest of pals.

Grief, Sorrow, and Confusion were my best friends for about ten years. They kept me moving; actually it was closer to running all the time. I loved them, I gripped onto the three of them like a pacifier, and they were the foundation of my adulthood. Kind of like your college roommates, your first memories of being independent and free always have their faces in the stories, for me, my stories begin and end with them right by my side. They kept me real in my mind, as long as I had them to cling to, I would always be safe.

I remember on my twenty-first birthday, when my family and friends swarmed around me with joy and happiness, and I should have been partying along side of them I turned to my three amigos; Grief, Sorrow, and Confusion. They were secret friends, they weren’t public figures, but in the silent moments, they would wrap around me like vines, and I loved them. See, I could not see, that by letting them go, happiness, joy, and understanding would stand by my side. It was too scary to live with out them; I didn’t even realize how much I relied on them, until I let them go.

When I moved out of the town I had grown up in, to a town I knew no one, one husband short, in with a stranger (me) I realized pretty quickly that I had a few toxic relationships in my life. I was without the family and friends that lovingly watched and tip toed around me, I left a pretty dysfunctional marriage, and there was some seriously bad company that I was keeping within myself. Something had to change, me.

So, I got screwed when I was eighteen, life handed me a knife when I should have been handed a spoon, how long is the sentence that I will allow myself to serve for being dealt rags, when I had no idea I was playing poker?  

They had to go, I had put my time in, and I had allowed them to run my entire life secretly. I picked the man I married who was miserable, because I was miserable. I had kept my family at bay, to protect them from my friend Pain. I had thrown myself into work, into a place that had no emotion, so I did not have to face my “emotional friends” for fifteen hours a day. I had imprisoned myself for all these years.

I realized by keeping these feelings, I had not allowed myself to get past my past. I was stuck there, in the Tri-City of Grief, Sorrow, and Confusion, and the only way to get out was to break-up with my friends, send them packing, tell them something to get out of this toxic relationship, and so I said “I want a divorce from all of you”.

I had been through a real divorce, and now it was time to end it all, all the unhappiness had to pack its bags and leave me.

I laid on my couch for three days strait; crying. Letting something go no matter how unhealthy it may be is hard, but I didn’t have any idea what I would be left with when you took away the three driving forces in my life.

The phone rang, the door bell rang, emails poured in, and I never moved, I needed the world to go on without me for a little bit of time. I needed one last good bye with my friends, one last hurrah. My eyes were swollen, my teeth un-brushed, my hair was an abstract art form, but slowly I dragged my pathetic ass into the shower, I washed the years of infectious obsession out of my mind, and when I flung that shower curtain open, three new friends were waiting for me, Happiness, Joy, and Understanding.

Sometimes you just have to fire a friend, and so I did.

To my beautiful friends….. Happiness….. Joy….. Understanding…. May You NEVER LEAVE MY SIDE……        

To place more value on one life than another is to put yourself in the position of being God. And that’s a position that none of us would really want to be in if we really think about it.
To put more value on one peoples lives than another peoples lives, is a simple and cruel person’s way to justify war and the loss of life that will result.
To place equal value on all lives is the enlightened person’s challenge that leads to peace and harmony. This is the road that is roughest to travel, but the only road to the possibility of hope.- Bill

Wow, this is an outstanding answer, and I am so thankful to hear these words. It is hard to take the “high road”, but hope is invaluable. Thank you for giving me HOPE, I knew you would come through! I would never want to be GOD, she has such a tough job!

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy 

John Lennon states in the song “with a little help from my friends” that he “needs somebody to love.” Not that he himself needs to be loved but rather he has “love” to give. I think that makes all the difference in the world. So often we want others to provide the good feelings in our lives simply because we have not figured out how to do ourselves. Whenever this happens, the end result is always betrayal; it is not their responsibility and too great of an expectation for anyone. When you change from being a receiver with standards to a giver who acknowledges those deserving; then you realized that there are people who you want to be closer too are all around you. This can only happen when you have some sort of love to give.-Pete

I could not have possibly begun to say this any better- Beautifully written! I think in the end, that is what we long for; someone to love, and what if we gave some of that love to ourselves?-Lizzy
 

I wrote this a few years ago when I decided to start treating myself kindly, and respecting the truth about me. This was part of my process of falling in love with me….

I actually may know less. In a way, being smaller minded was easier through my early twenties, now I see so many things and have heard so much that it has become so confusing. Confusing in the way that what you see isn’t what you always get, one size doesn’t always fit all, and a minute can be a really long time, so you can’t say “just a minute” you may need to say “Still a whole minute more”. A minute can be a real long time and an hour can go by like a minute depending on what you are enduring. The fact is; people lie, cheat, steal, deceive, omit truth, borrow with out asking only to never give back, liberate an item that is not theirs, and overall screw each other all of the time, and believe me you’ve done it, I’ve done it, and even your goodie two shoes Grandmother did it. You may not do it out in the open, you may be a “behind the curtain do wronger”, for instance; you can lie to your own heart, cheat yourself out of happiness, steal from your quality of life, omit telling the truth for fear of hearing it yourself, liberate a truth that doesn’t belong to you, and overall fuck yourself over. Why do we think its “right” to do it to ourselves and not to others? Yes, there are bad people that do all of these to others and they suck, why do we not hold ourselves accountable for royally robbing ourselves? Do you commit a crime when you lie, cheat, or steal from yourself? Why don’t we hold ourselves to the standard that we do criminals?

 My niece told me last week that if you make an error in judgment if you do not attempt to fix it, it’s a true mistake.

 If you do fix it, it cancels itself out, with that being said, if I stop lying, cheating, and stealing from myself will the punishment stop?

DECISION TIME…….. What is Important to YOU?

You have got to decide if your things are worth more than your peace of mind…

1) Why are you collecting things?

There are a few reasons you would collect crap (crap is not neccessarily unvaluable, it is stuff you don’t need), you either find it valuable, or you fear letting it go.

My friend managed to tell me EVERYTHING was important. I needed to understand this concept a little better. Why?

As we went through, when she said we had to keep it, I’d ask Why?

The reasons were simple.

1) It was expensive

2) Someone she cared about gave it to her

3) She didn’t know when, but she might need it

4) It had a sentimental value…. Reminder of a memory of an importantant person or event.

Okay, so we have the reasons we keep things, money, guilt, and fear.

1) If it is in fact valuable, why not sell it? You are wasting it’s value by not using it, or giving it to someone to use. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH NOTHING, give it to them, not only is a tax write off, but it is a way to make yourself feel really good about “giving”. GIVE TO OTHERS.

2) People you love give you crap all the time, they think GIVING (see #1) is a good thing, and it is… These people are typically giving “things” to you because they love you. That being said, they love you, and they are not giving to you to make you feel bad, they are no giving to you to make you feel obligated, and they are not giving to you to make you feel cluttered. The people who truly give for the right reason (out of love) are not coming over to your home and taking a mental inventory, as a matter of a fact they forget about the “thing” immediately. Do you remember anything you have given to someone out of love over the years? NO! GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE…

3) Need…. Such a strange overused word. What do we actually “NEED”? There are people out there that “need” it now. GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE….

4) Sentimental Value? Things are not people, they are not places, and they are not memories… Your childrens drawings are real peices of Art, but if you have to spend time moving them all the time instead of spending time with your children, they are robbing you of your memories. When you put emotional attatchment on “things” you loose emotional attachment to people, places, and overall memories. GIVE and THROW your things away, and make time for MEMORIES…. Live

Note; There are things that are important to you, if they are not treated like they are important, then you are disgracing the “thing”…. Put this in a respectable, honorable place in your home. Celebrate it…. If you have something that you love, truly love it by displaying it in a loving way. LIVE with it…. 

That being said, ask yourself WHY?