Yesterday while having Brunch with a dear friend I came across a subject that many of us have come into in our lives. You meet, fall in love, day by day you get closer, you intertwine your lives, things go beautifully for days, weeks, and sometimes years, and then the unthinkable happens, you grow apart, you realize that you were not mean to share your days with this person, and the inevitable happens, you break up.

Somewhere in this tangled mess, sorting out what emotions are mine, what are yours, and what should just be let go as a sacrifice to the “love gone bad God” is hard, really hard. The problem lies in The Break-up-er and The Break-up-ee, both difficult spots to be in, one powerful, one powerless, but the constant is, neither are easy. For the “Break-up-er” you feel like you are giving up, you feel guilty, you are calling the game, throwing in the towel, quitting. For the “Break-up-ee” you feel rejected, given up on, and powerless, he or she does not want you anymore, you have failed.

Basically, we have got two Ego’s, running amuck, and when the Ego drives the car, there is sure to be a wreck.

First, Emotional Separation. This seems to be the most difficult step of the process, when you got together you were separate beings, for years and years you went on with your days without knowing what this certain person was doing, how they were feeling, who they were feeling it with, why they felt one way or the other, but now, it is difficult to go back to the feeling that you have felt for the majority of your lifetime.

Yet, it is hard to go back to that time, a free time.

You cannot forget this person, they themselves have done one of two things, they have either taught you, what you do want in a mate, or what you don’t want, usually the ladder of the two, but I think that moving on, it is key to put them in one of the two categories.

For the “Break-up-er” having confidence in your decision will allow you to feel like you have done the “Break-up-ee” some sort of favor (which is true) he or she will now be free to find love that is more to his or her liking. That should be a honorable decision, one not to feel guilty for, or even like you are a quitter. See, not playing a game that you know you have no chance of winning is called smart. Unless you are just playing the game for fun, and love is no game to play for fun, not long term at least.

For the “Break-up-ee” having faith in yourself, that you are lovable, loving, and powerful allows you to walk away with the knowledge that one day someone will be able to love you on your terms. When insecurity leaks into your ship, you sink, and the only way to stop it is to stop blaming (yourself or the other) and start accepting, accept that this is not what you want (why would you?). When someone no longer wants to be with you, that is their problem, not yours, and it is not your job to fix anyone. Fixing someone else is impossible, you control fixing yourself, and that is the power you have.

Now, I have seen this go to extremes, people start screaming at one another, calling names, blaming, threatening (all the things one does in a desperate situation), but why? Why do we allow ourselves to be these ugly people?

Answer? EGO

When you step back, take a look at what has happened, realize that there were good times, bad times, boring times, hectic times, laughter, tears, and final decisions you realize this is just a chapter of your life, some chapters are longer than others, but this one is coming to a conclusion, you can end it the way it began, hopeful, and forward looking, not brutal, ugly, angry, and desperate.

Friendship?

History will show that a friendship after a lover-ship is almost impossible. To untangle that emotional ball that you call a relationship takes separation. Therefore, for a while, no friendship is obtainable until you are completely healed, could take a lifetime, could take a year, who knows, you will when you are ready. You need friends when you break-up, just not the person you were in a relationship with to help you get through it. Like I said, unraveling the strings of a love gone bad can be messy, and the last person you need is the one who made the mess with you cleaning it up, the mess will just get worse, trust me, seen it too many times.

No calls, no visits, no talks, no favors, for as long as it takes to get you in a place that you are thankful for the relationship as it was, comfortable with being out of the relationship, and relaxed with the person you are without him or her. Don’t drunk dial him or her, have a plan that if you do have too many wines or beers, you have a designated friend to call. Keep yourself busy.

Why does it feel so good to get into the relationship and so bad getting out of it? Should we not celebrate the experience, while holding our dignity high? Why do we let our Ego control what our mind and heart should be in charge of?

In the Eagle’s song, Wasted Time, they speak about the girl that felt like she had wasted her time on a relationship… What if it wasn’t wasted time? What if it was just time, learning what you did or didn’t want? Would that be a comfort?

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy           

Prop 8, Gay marriage was shut out in California, and continues to be shut out continuously around our Country. Church and State are not supposed to be mixed, shaken, or stirred here in America, land of the quilted lifestyle. Yet, there seems to be a hitch or constant hitches.

I believe that there is a place for Church in our communities, they are even welcomed with Tax Exemptions because of the work they do as far as charity and kindness for humanity. I am having a hard time understanding that while they reap the benefits of having the freedom to practice their own religions in our country, they feel that in this same country others should not have the same rights. I am not Gay, just an American, or just a human being really, and I do not understand how these lines keep crossing.

If it says in the Bible that God doesn’t want you to be gay and you have faith in the Bibles words, FINE, don’t be gay yourself, but when you start to say other people cannot under the American Constitution, I believe that you are being Un-American. Bucking the Constitution in which this country was founded on, in which it has been made great; you are saying that you no longer want to be protected under our laws. What if tomorrow it was illegal for you to be married to your husband or wife? You are saying that it is okay for American law to do that.   

Keep your Church out of my State, I say that with kindness and sincerity, you are not in charge of these peoples souls, if they will go to hell because they wanted to marry their love (and you believe that), that is their priority. I say, GODSPEED to everyone that thinks that they are ready for marriage…. There are so many things that Jesus would do out there, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, love the unloved, provide hope to the hopeless, teach tolerance to the hateful, and encourage kindness in a world that seems cruel. With all this to do, the last thing on the Christian mind should be stopping a certain type of love, right? Until these are all taken care of, let us start prioritizing the sheer desperate need in this “beautiful county”.

My Heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

The other day I was reading Liz’s comment about negativity and she is so right.   Why do we feel the need to spread it.   If you are bothered by something try thinking of 5 things that are positive about the situation first and then if you decide to talk to anyone, share only those!

Then I got to thinking about what else we spread.  Besides negativity, what we do or say is contagious.  When walking down a hallway deep in thought, do you take the time to smile and say good morning, or do you have a stress look on your face and share with everyone that you’ve had a rough morning.  I can honestly say I’ve done both.  And the first one makes their and your day better.  What do you think the second does?

I have decided to stop wasting other people’s lives, as well as mine, with anything that isn’t sincere and loving.  I am choosing to make a change in myself.  I recently had a friend tell me that life is too precious to waste ANY of it doing anything that is negative.   Gossipping, Complaining, Being Jealous, and so on.  It is very hard, but I challenge everyone to look at their lives as if they could be gone tomorrow.  Do you really want to waste your time on Crap?  Time and lives are precious, don’t waste them.  And Do try to go out of your way to accomplish things that move you.  Even if you feel it might make you late for work, or look silly, reach out and hug a girlfriend, just because you know she is having a rough day.   You might never know how much you’ve helped her.  Call a friend, just to say, I’ve been thinking of you.  Send a card, just because.  Smile at the other customers at the grocery.  Help an elderly person with their groceries.  Pick up cheap flowers at the store for your spouse, significant other, friend, grandparent, lonely neighbor……Just spread good! 

Please do this, our world and yourselves really need to just spread good!

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone on your journeys, Katie. 

Over the past few, well more than few months I have had some heated debates about the “facts” in this election. Never have I thought really that either of the Candidates are bad people, and they aren’t.

The reason that I am voting for Obama is that he inspires America to be hopeful, hard working, and positive. He restores the mindset that Washington is working for America, not the other way around. He has brought back the outlook that we are all together in this, not alone, with out fear. FDR said that the world is an unsafe place, but if you are fearful and too overprotective this country will go down, in so many words, I believe that has happened to a degree. I also believe that we can start a new; I believe that Obama is just the leader we need to start living again in Our America. Fear is debilitating and over the last seven years we have become paralyzed by the message that has been sent, I want my children if I ever have any to not only have the American dream, but not have the American nightmare we have been living for the last seven years.

I wrote on a Blog last night to express my opinion, as Americans historically have been respected for doing, and I was verbally attacked by several Americans with different views or perspectives. I respect their opinion, and if it was a majority of America who wanted McCain to be our president, I would honor “her” choice. We do not have to agree, but we must pull together as American people to make this country a better place for our children.
Who ever wins this election is who America wants to be president, and we need to love her (the people) for allowing all of us to make that choice. After all is said and done, we must love our fellow human beings, love that we are all living in this Great Land, and love our blessings.
This country has taken a turn in these short years, only we have the ability to turn her back around, regardless of who you are voting for, I beg you to be kind, do not fear, and have faith in America.

My Heart is with you on Your Journey,

Lizzy

I have always found that no matter what I’m going through, my sisters, mothers (plural in my case) and my girlfriends are always the ones that I turn to first. Men will sometimes come and go, but girlfriends always seem to be there. We understand each other, most of us have been in the same situation or know someone who has, and are willing to give advice from the heart. I honestly don’t know what I would do without the wonderful women in my life. If you don’t have a circle of girlfriends or sisters, at least find one that you can confide in and that cares for you as a sister. I’m not a feminist, but we as women need to stick together for our own sanity! When I’m with my sisters I’m either laughing or crying and sometimes both. It’s such a stress reliever.  Some of the best times in my life have been with my sisters and my best friend. We go on vacations, road trips, bar hopping (only on occasion!), shopping, and sometimes we lay on the couch and watch HGTV until six in the evening (Elizabeth!). What I’m trying to say is that we have so much emotion and knowledge to share with each other it’s a shame to see any of it go to waste. I love the women in my life and I make sure that I tell them any chance I get. You can never have too many girlfriends!!!!!

Peace, love and total happiness!

Janice

Lately I guess I have been noticing Negativity a lot more than ever. About a year ago I had read The Power of Now and The Secret, and although the concept was great, I didn’t really start living it until about 6 months ago. Jason is really easy to live with under this way of thinking because he normally has a very positive outlook on his universe and therefore projects it; I have become that way too. Optimistic to annoyance maybe, but I have found that my life is more abundant now than ever, and the facts are just that, facts.

It has been a real challenge for me to not become negative about Negativity though, when I hear it sometimes I have a tendency to get frustrated, when really, I should just think back to a time not so long ago when my glass was half empty. I know I can change my perspective on that too, it just takes a different angle of looking at it.

Money

Have you ever met someone that works so hard but never has a pot to piss in?

I have, I know a lot of these people, their work ethic is second to none, yet they are constantly complaining about their financial condition. They worry about the moneys of tomorrow even if they have enough money for today. They, by worrying, don’t enjoy the fruits of today, nor tomorrow, they are unhappy, and ungrateful, and therefore they never have security not for even one day. The Secret implies that if you say in your mind “I am worried about not having enough money” the “universe” hears that and cannot differentiate that statement from a request, and therefore gives you “not enough” money.

The key is to be grateful today, and have faith in your tomorrows if they even come.

This does not mean, stop planning for your retirement, or saving for that special goal that you have, it just means have faith that the “universe” or “god” or even “yourself” will provide you with the means to be fruitful for all days.

I have often said in the past that I hate “money”, in fact, I do not hate money, I hate the abusive relationships that people have with their and others money.

“I have and will continue to have Abundance, Thank you”

Relationships

This is a BIG ONE, there are so many people searching for love, upset about love loss, scared of never obtaining love, or even scared of losing the love they have today.

Part of these books that I read a year ago, talked about living in this moment, in this day, but I have found that most people who are not happy with the relationship status that they are in, i.e. single, married, separated, or whatever, are simply living either in the past, or in the future, and some of the real “sad” cases bounce back and forth between, but never EVER stay in the present.

Lets take Single for instance, because a lot of people think this is the worst thing to ever happen to someone, which by far is untrue. So many times these “Singles” bounce between the loves they once had and lost and the loves the may never find in the future, therefore never living for today. When I was single not too long ago, (way before I got this concept) I remember people asking me “Why are you single?” “Why aren’t you married?” “Are you looking for a boyfriend?” the concept that I was perfectly happy was far beyond any notion that they could accept. I was happy, I truly was, and I remember feeling like a bit of a “freak” because I was not nearly as upset at they thought I should be, I wasn’t upset at all.

Maybe because I had a relationship based on love and respect with myself (the first healthy relationship I had ever had, by the way), but I did not long for loves past or loves future, I had love.

Love eventually came to me, and when it did I was calm, and ready to let it sit beside me, I was not too eager, it came in a healthy way. You know with courting, and laughing, and eventually loving and respecting, and then lastly trusting.

I feel the same now as I did when I was single, I just have someone there with me, enjoying some moments.

I won’t drag on too much about marriage and separation. But I do know this if you live in the past or the future when you are in these moments the marriage or separation will with all certainty fail completely. If you need me to talk more to this topic, please feel free to coffee-talk with me about it. I have lived in the past of the marriage, and the future of the marriage and it failed miserably. I have live in the past in separation, and the future in separation, also failed.

Love is not something someone gives you, it is something that you give.

Happiness

I sat at the table a few days ago with a friend, and although the lunch we were having was great I remember my friend looking to another table and commenting on how happy they were, my friend eluded to the fact that they longed for happiness like that. My ego went unhurt, but I thought to myself that happiness is nothing other than being grateful for what is at your table, what blessings you have, and if you continuously look at those blessings, you are bound to be happy.

The key to happiness overall is being thankful or grateful for what the “universe” or your “God” or you “yourself” has given you.

If you are constantly looking at the grass on the other side, you never ever notice how beautiful your own lawn is.

Health

Health is one of the most talked about feelings on earth. How are you feeling?

I have met perfectly healthy people that always complain about their health. Therefore they always feel crappy.

I have met perfectly sick people that never complain about their health. Therefore they always feel great.

The mind is a beautiful powerful tool, I suggest we use it. I suggest we utilize it in everything that we are.

Perspectives

Your Perspective is your only truth. I am thankful for those perspectives in this world that I see as optimistic and healthy, I pray you do too….

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

I remember playing sports as a kid and it was always much more fun when we didn’t keep score.   There weren’t a whole lot of fights or arguments, and it wasn’t until you started keeping score that the game lost is purity and lost it’s fun.  It wasn’t about the game anymore at all, it was about winning vs losing - being better and therefore good. 

-J

I fall in Love everyday.

The purpose of my life is to love. Love is a strange misused word I believe, sometimes we use it to say that we like some “thing”, occasionally we use it as in a sarcastic way of saying we “loath” something or an action of someone. Sometimes we even use it to, describe the way we have treated something or someone…..  And in some cases we make love, by giving ourselves to another in a sexual way.

Love, luv, vt (loving loved). To regard with affection, to like, to delight in. To be in love; to be tenderly attached. N. Warm affection; fond attatchment; the passion between sexes, the object beloved a word of endearment, Cupid, the god of love; the score of nothing at tennis, etc.

Out of all the definitions of love my favorite is the last, the score of nothing. I have thought a lot of love lately, I am completely in love with a man, you hear me talk of him sometimes, but the words don’t always come easily when describing him. Back to my definition, the score of nothing, now I realize we are talking about tennis, but I think tennis has something here, a lesson. When describing nothing by calling it “love”, what is love?

Love is no score, you need not keep score, and it is the lack of points. Keep with me here, I know I am rambling, but when you start measuring points in a relationship, someone starts to lose and someone starts to win. That’s when the love goes away. Which brings me to falling out of love, when the other gets points, you are on the defense, or when you get points you are now on the offense. Love is about not keeping score……

Now, I will go back to my love, over the last year and a half we have been together, we have done things for each other, neat things, and we are very excited to “take care” of each other….. We truly enjoy making each other happy…. Really trying to analyze why we are so different than other relationships I have been in, I realize that we are not keeping score, love. We are zero to zero, and we are enjoying our scoreless match.

If we never keep score, we are always in “love”…..

So bringing this into our daily lives……. When we stop keeping score of what we are doing for others, stop keeping score of what others are doing for us, stop scoring everything all together, we will be in love with the world, Right?

Here is an example, I have five sisters, from all walks of life, and at some point we have all been “broke” in one way or the other. Without hesitation we have all at one point or another made up for the others short comings. I have no idea how many shirts I have “borrowed” or how much money has been “given”, but I do know this, we have taken care of each other time and time again without keeping score, or tally, we truly love each other. Some have walked one path and others another, but there is no jealousy, no rivalry, and no competition. We are happy when one another succeeds and sad when we fail. We just love, and that is that.

Why can we not give that to the rest of the world?   

1)      Stop comparing your game to others

2)      Stop caring if someone compares their game to yours

3)      Appreciate someone who is better than you

4)      Help someone who hasn’t got the game you do

5)      Remember that we are all on the same side

6)      Score Love, by keeping no score

I fall in love Everyday, I am not keeping score with the world……..    

John Lennon states in the song “with a little help from my friends” that he “needs somebody to love.” Not that he himself needs to be loved but rather he has “love” to give. I think that makes all the difference in the world. So often we want others to provide the good feelings in our lives simply because we have not figured out how to do ourselves. Whenever this happens, the end result is always betrayal; it is not their responsibility and too great of an expectation for anyone. When you change from being a receiver with standards to a giver who acknowledges those deserving; then you realized that there are people who you want to be closer too are all around you. This can only happen when you have some sort of love to give.-Pete

I could not have possibly begun to say this any better- Beautifully written! I think in the end, that is what we long for; someone to love, and what if we gave some of that love to ourselves?-Lizzy
 

Men,

Why can’t I find a man with pulse and a job?-Kari

Since our Men haven’t stepped up to this plate, I thought that I would go ahead and write to this question….. This is a GREAT question, and one that EVERY woman has asked themselves at some point, maybe not exactly that way but this is a world wide frustration…. Men have let women down for years, and visa versa…. So a few suggestions for you, my first question is How happy are you with yourself?

1) Figure out what is bothering you about yourself and usually that will play a huge role in what men you are pulling in… The fact is men (and women) can see your faults as clearly as you can, so if you are focusing on a fault or insecurity, they can see it too. Men do love “bitches” (if you have read the book), so if you feel comforatable with yourself, and being with yourself most people will too.

2) What do you want from a man? A pulse and a job are not attributes, you need higher standards, if you start too low you will get a lower result. The fact is, people who ask for too little get too little, it is as simple as that. You deserve a castle, a prince, and royal treatment, start there, and maybe you won’t end up with Prince Charming, but maybe someone that is charming, see asking for too much allows you to land somewhere in the middle….

Make a list of the top 5 things you need from a man, then don’t accept anything less.

3) What don’t you want from a man? This is much easier to answer, figure this out, and when someone has a poor quality that you have listed turn and walk away, DON’T tell them why (it’s not your job to fix them) just move on…

4) Go on a lot of dates, this will teach you your likes and dislikes.

5) Don’t date until you are happy with yourself, it’s like going to a party with a bad attitude, you won’t have fun, no one else will have fun, and you will not be invited back… No one wants emotional baggage to carry for you, and a gentleman can always see it, and a gentleman will feel obligated to carry it for you, he will run like hell, and you won’t know why.

6) Take yourself on dates, and treat yourself like a queen. This will get you prepared for the man that comes along and treats you like one. Nothing is worse to a gentleman than a woman that doesn’t know how to take being spoiled a little. This will make you happy with dating yourself, and you won’t need a man, and then they will be magnetized. Haven’t you ever noticed that when you don’t need something, it is always there.

7) Fall in Love with you. If you love you, people will be drawn to you. Trust me, I know.

There is so much that can be suggested in this category. There is no better thought than landing the “big fish” and living “happily ever after”, the fact is you can be happy and the “big fish” might just want to land you.   

Thank you for the coffee talk, my heart is with you on your journey… Until our next coffee talk,

Lizzy

Great advice Lizzy girl, I have been learning from you for years and I love that you have coffee talk so that I can continue to remind myself about my strengths and focus less on my weaknesses. Because of your help I really truly understand how to love myself and take care of myself first. Because as we all know-”Ain’t no one happy if mama ain’t happy”! Love you girl.-Stephanie

What I have discovered while ago, is that we simply treat the people whom are closest to us the worst. So often we take advantage of family, friends, and lovers because we know they forgive, or they will be there for us. While, complete strangers would never tolerate our behaviors so we give them respect. We eventually take for granted the love that has been given to us and closeness that has developed. Then over time, we wonder why distance has grown. Having realized this, true friendship and love earns true respect and responsibility for me. I am now more willing to lose a stranger than someone who has taken the time to know me.-Pete A Murray

In my few bad relationships, during the hard times, I have always made one request “treat me like your gas station attendant”. That is all I ask. I totally agree that we have a tendency to show our ugliest sides to the ones we love. I think in my early adulthood, when looking back, it was myself that I treated the worst, and it was me who paid the highest prices. It seems that we fall in love with ourselves last….. There is no better feeling than when you realize you love you…  It seems to free you to walk toward or away from any situation…. That is true freedom…

I LOVE LIZZY!- Lizzy 

I wrote this a few years ago when I decided to start treating myself kindly, and respecting the truth about me. This was part of my process of falling in love with me….

I actually may know less. In a way, being smaller minded was easier through my early twenties, now I see so many things and have heard so much that it has become so confusing. Confusing in the way that what you see isn’t what you always get, one size doesn’t always fit all, and a minute can be a really long time, so you can’t say “just a minute” you may need to say “Still a whole minute more”. A minute can be a real long time and an hour can go by like a minute depending on what you are enduring. The fact is; people lie, cheat, steal, deceive, omit truth, borrow with out asking only to never give back, liberate an item that is not theirs, and overall screw each other all of the time, and believe me you’ve done it, I’ve done it, and even your goodie two shoes Grandmother did it. You may not do it out in the open, you may be a “behind the curtain do wronger”, for instance; you can lie to your own heart, cheat yourself out of happiness, steal from your quality of life, omit telling the truth for fear of hearing it yourself, liberate a truth that doesn’t belong to you, and overall fuck yourself over. Why do we think its “right” to do it to ourselves and not to others? Yes, there are bad people that do all of these to others and they suck, why do we not hold ourselves accountable for royally robbing ourselves? Do you commit a crime when you lie, cheat, or steal from yourself? Why don’t we hold ourselves to the standard that we do criminals?

 My niece told me last week that if you make an error in judgment if you do not attempt to fix it, it’s a true mistake.

 If you do fix it, it cancels itself out, with that being said, if I stop lying, cheating, and stealing from myself will the punishment stop?