OK, I am writing this, not to brag or tell everyone what I do, but I would love to share this idea. Every winter, we have the traditional Salvation Army Bell Ringers. We all see them. Are you someone who gives or speed walks past and hopes not to make eye contact? Some are happy doing this monotonis bell ringing, politely smiling at all who walk by. Some are freezing and look disgruntled. Then there is this one gentleman…. Every year he stands outside a local store and sings. He sings Christmas carols. He SINGS! Smiling, LOUDLY SINGING, In the freezing weather! I have decided that he is a Christmas Angel. Some of you will understand this comment. That there is usually someone or something that triggers the happy Christmas feeling. Christmas lights, music, or anything that just gives you the warm ready to give feeling. Well, this last year, I was in a funk and couldn’t get into the spirit of Christmas. I tried, I really did. Then, on a usual shopping trip, I see this familiar face (he has been doing this a few years now). He was singing at the top of his lungs. In a time of “happy holidays” verses “Merry Christmas”, He was singing Christmas carols as loudly as he could with a smile from ear to ear. This made me smile. Uncontrollably. (In case you didn’t know, smiles are contagious). It was about 10 degrees outside and he was happy! He wasn’t thinking about himself and it made him feel good, wow, amazing how that works. So, on my way past, I smiled and said “It’s a hot coffee kind of day” he smiled and said “hot cocoa was his favorite”. So my wheels started turning. I went in and bought 2 hot cocoas. One for him and one for the gentleman at the other entrance (who didn’t understand the cocoa delivery) I dropped them off and went on with my shopping. Feeling so good about the holiday. Then an amazing thing happened. I left the store and the man told me I was an angel. Wow, I was just calling him that. Can you be and angel for your angel? I guess so. This tradition has continued. I always take hot cocoa for the bell ringers, I feel that the 2 bucks spent to keep the bell ringers energized is better that putting the same amount in the red bucket. I look forward to the bell ringers every year. Especially the Singer! As if this story couldn’t get better, it does. I over heard a woman while I was eating lunch, talking about “the hot cocoa lady”. And how she helped her husband with the Christmas spirit. She is married to the Singer. Liz reminds us about random acts of kindness touching so many others, and this is proof. I thought I was warming him on a cold day, but I ended up rejuvenating him, this wonderful man that touches so many others, and his wife was telling her coworkers about how it affected her. I wonder how many people we can affect with one act of kindness. How many people can you affect with something little? Even just by sing a song or smiling instead of looking like your dreading a duty or job. Smile! Smile! Smile! It’s contagious.

When I first started this website I had a vision of making lives better. Somehow, helping lives one at a time. Yesterday I was watching T.V. and eating pork fried rice, and it hit me….. Why am I limiting myself? Just like we (as humans) constantly do, limit what we can accomplish by not stepping back and looking at the big picture… We have around 500 readers currently…. I thank you all for that.

What if those 500 readers could influence 2 people a day that would be 1000 people a day whose lives are better because Letscoffeetalk….. Actually 1,500 including the Coffee talkers….

This started me thinking of the power that we possess. Anyone that reads letscoffeetalk for more than ten seconds is most likely interested in either making themselves “better” or at least exploring “change”. This got me thinking about random things that make me happy.

If everyone on earth was able to help two or more people a day, the world would be a better place wouldn’t it? I don’t want you to get the wrong idea here, I am not getting to the point that we need to “give” more time or money to a charity, although, if you’ve got it, GODSPEED… I am talking about a far less intrusive venture….. Give what you have got already…. KINDNESS….

How many times have you heard someone say “I hate people”? I have heard it time and time again, especially working in sales. What I have found is people really don’t “hate” people; they hate what people make them feel like. What if we could change one by one the way people made other people feel like? I know we can.

If we were able to change the way we make people feel, then eventually the feeling of hatred would be gone right? What if by changing the way we make people feel, made us feel instantly better? Win, Win situation right?

So after this “thought” sat heavy on my brain all night long, I decided to try to make a list of ways to make others feel better……

But First…..

The MEAN PEOPLE….

So yeah, there are a lot of these people out there, the “budgers”, the “bitchers”, the “yellers”, the “know-it-alls”, the “snobs”, the “stuck-ups”, the “ignorers”, the “arguers”, the anal retentives”, the “judgers”, the “manipulaters”, the “liars”, the “stealers”, the “idiots”, the “who ever makes you feel badders”…….

PRETEND THEY ALL HAVE AN INCURABLE DISEASE….. AND THEY ARE TAKING IT OUT ON YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO DIE SOONER THAN LATER…..

This will stop your EGO from taking it so personally, and then taking it out on someone else…. The fact is, these people are insecure, and that is almost an incurable disease that doesn’t allow you to live anyway, so they are dying…. This will make you feel sorry for them instead of ready to rip their head from their shoulders…. Puts you in control. I used this a lot in sales, and I must say, I was happier, and I was able to make a lot more people “happy” because I did not take it personally.

Back to Random ways to make people and yourself happier…….

1. Complimenting

Random compliments to random people…. One day at Starbucks I walked in feeling quite good about myself to get my standard latte, and be on my way. When I walked into line a lady stared me down with the crappiest look on her face, my first reaction was not good, I thought “who does this lady think she is, looking at me this way?”, but I did not react that way. I gave her “pretend cancer” in my mind, and searched for something I liked about her outfit. Her glasses were it! I said “Excuse me, your glasses are perfect for your face, I love them”, which I did, they looked great. She looked at me and tears welled up, she said “You have no idea how much I needed a compliment today, thank you”.
I could have reacted with my first instinct which was not nice, but instead, I made her day, and I felt so good about myself for not letting my stupid EGO make my move.
Complementing sincerely to random people at random times is one of the best charities we are able to give… Compliment, Compliment, Compliment…. Be sincere….

2. Give….

Give…. Not money, Not blocks of time, Not clothing, or Valuables, give random “gifts” to random people. Like your place in line at the grocery store to an old person, or a mother, or someone that has 10 items vs. your basket full. Give an extra chair that you aren’t using. Give someone your closer parking spot. Give someone a smile for no reason. Get the door for someone. Lift someone’s luggage into the overhead bin. GIVE, GIVE, GIVE….. Most importantly, don’t tally what you GIVE; tally what is given to you.

3. Thank YOU

What a powerful statement…. “Thank you”…. Thank every single person for everything. We are supposed to do it when we are five, but somehow we expect the world to serve us. Even worse, we think because we are paying for something we shouldn’t have to “thank” someone. When did Money = Thanks? It doesn’t.
Be thankful for the person who got up at 5 am to get your latte ready for you, especially when you know you were tucked deep into your bed dreaming of the latte you are about to receive. Be thankful for the 22 year old that watches 15 toddlers at your child’s daycare, especially when you know most people would lose their mind. Be thankful for the gas station attendant that passes through 100’s of people with a smile, but rarely gets one returned. Be thankful for the guy who lets you into traffic, and be thankful for the family that drives you nuts getting out the door. Most importantly, tell them “thank you”. Look every single person who gives you something in the eyes and tell them “Thank you”. Your money is not all a human being needs.

4. Open the Door

Open the door for everyone. This gives the impression that you are humble, and immediately humbles whom ever you come in contact with. It is a simple act that makes everyone feel good including the “opener”.

5. Old People

Old People deserve if for no other reason than surviving this world, kindness. Give them kindness, and kindness will be returned. Help them with their luggage, groceries, parking spots, and anything else that will make their stay here on earth more enjoyable. You will soon be there, your body will not perform like it once did, your mind not as sharp maybe, but one thing is for sure, you will be there, and when you are there, you will need someone like you to be kind.

6. Children

We preach…. Teach, teach, teach these little humans, but no one ever talks about Learn, Learn, Learn from these little creatures. Make one laugh, and you will laugh. Make a child smile and you will smile. They are free and they are influenced by the slightest things, if a stranger is kind to them, maybe one day, they will be kind to a stranger, and maybe that stranger will be you.

7. Control Your World

Remember when I said that we usually don’t hate people, we hate how people make us feel. There is really no way to control everyone on earth (contrary to popular belief), but there is a way to control how you deal with others….. Which changes the perspective all together; you can control your environment, which is the only thing you know anyway, so in your reality you can control everyone that you come in contact with. Your reaction is a choice. “He made me mad”, well, the way I look at it, you are really saying “I let him make me made”. “It makes me sick” really says “I let it make me sick”. “They offended me” means “I let them offend me”. “He hurt me” means “I let him hurt me”. My niece is 7 years old, right now she is having trouble grasping when something upsets her, that she is in fact in control of herself. As I watched her flip out because her mother was forcing her to wear an outfit that was not to “her Liking”, it hit me, she is letting this get the better of her, if she only had self discipline with her little emotions, she would get what she wanted. Well, she doesn’t, she let herself get so worked up that she made everyone miserable, and still had to wear the “bum” outfit. All because she can’t control own emotions yet! Now, she will learn, but for the rest of us, we don’t have being 7 as a “grand” excuse. Stop letting others make you “unkind”. You are in charge of your own kindness.

8. Forgive

Forgive EVERYTHING/BODY…. Most important FORGIVE YOU. I say this because this seems to be the hardest thing on earth for some humans to do. Most the time, when you can’t stand people, you are most upset that you let yourself get upset by them. Forgive yourself for being out of control, and forgive them for not being kind. FORGIVE

9. Make a decision to be Kind

There is no part time “kind”, there is full time “kind” and that is all. You are either aware of others or not, make a commitment to be aware, make a commitment to make the world a better spot to live in. Someone that you meet today is hurting, someone that you meet today is capable of passing kindness on, and usually they are the same person.

Please be KIND to all the Coffee talkers and future Coffee talkers out there, including you….

My heart is with you on your journey!

Lizzy

I need your help with ideas for simple kindness……. Please Comment….. Thank you!

Leave it to me to take this into the political areana, but I’ve been reading a fascinating book, Cracking the Code by Thom Hartmann. Its really an intense read about communication and how to understand what we hear and how to better communicate with others that see the world from a different perspective. Some observations;

Conservatives see the world as inheritly evil, government is trying to take my money, what’s in it for me, those lazy welfare mothers are ripping me off, the only thing government should be about is police, prison, and the military, the free market is the only solution, fear, fear, and more fear, nothing should interrupt their accumulation of material wealth.

Liberals look the world with a what’s best for US attitude, hope for the future, the government can do things to help the people, WE THE PEOPLE, the framers of the Constitution were brilliant, the teachings of Jesus were pure, we must share our “common wealth”

I hear the conservative bemoan the welfare mother who is taking advantage of the system, and yet defend Dick Cheney who as CEO of Halliburton set up 44 shadow off shore companies to evade paying taxes. Which action do you think takes the most from our “common wealth”. The consevative complains about the size and interference of government, thinking that the free market will cure all. He does this as he enjoys the benefits of that government intrusion………clean air, clean water, fire and police protection, the interstate highway system, the military and national guard, safe foods and medicines, safer cars and other products, free public education through grade 12 for his children, and you’ll be damn sure he’ll accept social security and Medicare when he qualifies. He’ll champion the concept of “privatization” and never complain that we’re paying $1220.00 a day to a Blackwater employee to do the job an army sargent is paid $85.00 a day to do. He’ll sing the praises of the Bush tax cuts and ignore that 10% of the taxes he pays go to paying off debt from borrowed money from countries like Saudia Arabia and China. He’ll ignore that he will be leaving his children and grand children huge debt to pay off……..but what does he care………..he’s doing fine…….now. He will ignore that part of the reason he’s paying over $4 for gas is the weak dollar, caused by this foreign debt.  He’ll complain that its the greenies and liberals who have prevented oil drilling in American parks and off the coast, without knowing that ANWR at best would reduce our imports by only 4% and off shore would only satisfy 1.5% of our needs and only last 2.5 years.

.

I was wondering, what percentage of conservatives believe in original sin compared to liberals?

Fear is a quicker motivator than hope [ look at what GW did in the 2004 election ] . We could probably count on one hand the times he has not used the fear tactic. But, hope is the better long range motivator [ look at what the most successful growth oriented companies like Microsoft do].

I don’t know about you, but I’m damn tired of “fear”. I’m looking for someone who can inspire us to reach our full potential, not just as an individual but as a society. I’m looking for someone who can restore America to the position of true greatness. And I’m damn scared that either Isreal and/or America [ the Bush neocons ] will bomb Iran and start world war 3.
 

Maybe America is what happens when the cookie is never enough.

Interesting, how Pete talks about how we start at the earliest of ages, learning that if we are not feeling good, something external will fix it.

A treat
a toy
a cookie
designer jeans
a car
a big house
a beer
a case of beer
a bigger house
invade a country?

This paradigm of finding something in the outside world to make us right in our inside world can be argued to be the source of many problems we face, obesity, addiction, annoying devotion to a particular sports team, a loud coffee can exhaust, low self esteem and all it’s wonderful side effects . . . .

I don’t know about how to teach a crying child who wants a cookie how to have the existential “ah haa” moment realizing that the cookie isn’t really going to result in true happiness, but it sure is an interesting question. Most chubby little babies look like buddha, perhaps they can find inner peace and well being and actually be buddhas.

Are we creating a society of increasingly externally gratified persons who will just keep searching and searching the world for happiness when all they really need to do is search within?

Respect & Love,

Jammy

Wow, I love this subject. I have been saying for years that causing your child to be obese should be child abuse. Notice I used the word CAUSING. We, as parents, are the cause. Our children are the effect. I am so sick and tired of hearing parents complain. “Bobby” just won’t eat anything else, “Suzy” only likes —– (insert your desired name of something, like donuts or sugar cereal). And then they follow it up with. “I can’t” help it, control them, stop them, get them to,…. A huge array of excuses. What it comes down to.. I’m too lazy to…

I’m sure that I am touching a nerve on some people, but those are the ones that need this. Here is the truth. Your children can’t eat what you don’t buy. So what if they throw a fit in the store about not getting what they want. Suck it up. Ignore them and buy what you know it better for them, and leave. After a couple of unsuccessful tries, they will stop the fit throwing. And yes, there will be relapses. They will see a new commercial and try the fit again the next time, but here is what you need to say. “I said NO”

Do you think you are harming them by saying “NO”? Nope, you are harming them by saying “YES”!

Your children won’t eat what isn’t in your home. For example, some kids are snackers. I have one. So my fridge is filled with grapes, carrots, tomatos, WATER,…. They are CHILDREN. You are the PARENT. Your job it to protect them.

Why would you say yes to something that causes harm. Rat poison, cleaners, chemicals… those poison our children, so at a small age, we put locks on our cabinets and tell our children no,no, that is bad, it will hurt you. Not a big deal, right. So instead we fill them with crap that hurts them. Causing obesity, diabetes, thyroid problems, knee pain, low self esteem…. an endless list. Why don’t we tell them NO to the bad overindulgant food? We are poisoning our children!

Please don’t think I am preaching, being self righteous. I have two children. Both that love pastries, and candy, and cake, and pop….But here is the kicker. I only allow them on occasions, and then in small increments. Then they are special. I am teaching my children not to over indulge, not to turn to food, not to become obese! I struggle with my weight, a large number of my family does. But MY CHILDREN DON”T AND THEY WON”T. As parents our job is to give them the tools they need to succeed. I am giving them these tools. Self control, and appreciation. Self control is a tool that will work in any situation through life. School, work, anywhere. and so is Appreciation. They appreciate something special. If you give your kid a plate cake everyday, then why be excited to have birthday cake. If you give them fast food everyday, then what is a special occasion (probably a home cooked meal). OUR CHILDREN ARE THE ME GENERATION!!! And WE are CAUSING the problem.

I have chosen not to put my children in a bad situation, thus the child abuse comment at the beginning of this comment. If you are putting your children is a bad situation, it’s neglect and abuse. So Stop! Put the crap back on the grocery shelf, back out of the drive through, and dump out the can of pop. Pick up some fruit, fill a glass of water, and go on a walk!-Kate

“Hi my name is Pete and I have addictions.”

I am a smoker, coffee and alcohol drinker. Out of all of them smoking is defiantly the addiction. How did I get this way? Like all Americans I was taught two things from our culture; one, immediate reward compared to long term is easier and acceptable. Two, if you don’t like the way to feel, consume something to make you feel different. Of the two, I think the latter is more pervasive and subtle in our society, so I am going to delve into that and save the first for another day.

My ex-wife laughed one day because she overheard me talking to our infant son. He had been crying and as I gave him a bottle I said, “here, at least this will make you feel different.” Okay, I had read it somewhere in a book and applied it to my baby. But that is what we do here in our culture, we find ways to avoid unpleasantness by basically changing the subject. We assume that it will make us feel better or even happy but really all we do is assert another sense to make us feel different. I feel rejected and hurt; so I eat some ice cream now I feel full. I feel like a failure in my marriage; so I have sex with someone at a bar now I feel desirable. I feel like a looser; so I do a line of coke and now I feel like a winner. Think about why some people buy excessive shoes, outfits, boats, etc. This all stems from when we were little and we were asked, “Do you want a cookie? It will make you feel better.” It does not make us feel better, because it has not solved what is making us feel bad. If this is the only defense mechanism we know as adults what else can we possible teach our children?

Unfortunately Liz you plea will not produce the effect that you desire. Instead of waking them up, they will feel guilty and ashamed. Those feelings are very unpleasant and they have only one defense mechanism to cope…-Pete

Today when I walked into Starbucks I saw what I might find most offensive in Parenting…..

Why is it that overweight parents don’t mind killing their children? 

I walked into Starbucks today on my way to the grocery store (always better to have coffee with you at the grocery, curbs your hunger), I saw a woman that was probably 250 pounds, and I need not discribe her height, because unless she was 8 foot tall (which she wasn’t) at any normal height she is grossly over weight. This was not anything that offended me, I learned to ignore obesity a long time ago, sure it is the powerful ship that is sinking our nation, I just choose daily not to be on the ship. I simply feel sorry when I see someone that won’t stop eating. I have stopped giving random advise, even when asked, portion control, exercise, blah, blah, blah, everyone knows what cures this killer, but still it never stops.

Behind this oversized woman was a little boy about my niece Alex’s age. You could tell that he was a well behaved child, based on his general demeanor. She had already made her selections when I stepped up to order my Tall Latte, when I did move up to the counter a parade of pastries past by my nose, the clerk handing them to the mother. The pastries were oversized just like every other portion ordered in America today. So between ordering and picking up my prized Latte, I went to the washroom as I often do to not waste any time.

By the time I got back, this little boy had consumed the better part of the “way too big” pastry. When I looked at them, they were not talking, just eating, and a feeling of sadness came over me.

Here she has this darling little boy or what should be a little boy, truth be told he had me by I am sure ten pounds, and he now has a weight problem. Why?

My judgement is of ignorance. Can someone help me understand why these mothers who are overweight themselves cast the same hell upon the child?

A mothers love is stonger than any love, but we see these children killed by the one who is supposed to love them more than anyone else. Does sugar equal love? With all the information at our fingertips; how can these children get left behind, and if the mother will not fight for them, who will?

According to  Alvin Poussaint, M.D. 20% of our children in this country are obese.

If 20% of our children had lets say Polio we’d be freaking out. Why are we not freaking out now? Obesity leads to diabetes…..  Which can lead to heart disease, high blood pressure, kidney disease, stroke, limb amputations, and blindness. Okay, this is freaking me out….. The only thing that I can say to everyone is “HELP”!

What are we blaming right now?

1- Video Games

2- Fast Food

3- T.V.

Those are the major ones, but I am going to step up and say unless one of you guys can convince me differently, this is the parents fault. 100%.

20% of our children are struggling, and that means 20% of our parents just don’t care, and if they say they do care, they don’t care enough.

Here is my advise-

1- STOP SUGAR

Both the parents and the children… Only special occasions (you might want to give your child the gift of not expecting special occasions all the time, this will be a lot easier when they grow up and special occasions rarely happen anyway, that means once a week. That is it.

2- Stop Fast Food

It is so crappy for you both, just stop eating it. Once a month maybe treat yourselves, if ever!  It will literally kill you and kill your kid, watch the movie “Super Size Me”. If you can eat Fast Food after that, maybe you need counsiling for the addiction.

3- Get Moving

In the morning, before you lose your will to let your child live (a healthy long life that is), go on a walk, dance for twenty minutes, hoola hoop for twenty minutes, DO SOMETHING. Do something in the morning to remind yourself all day long that you are resposible for that person you brought into this world. The world can be somewhat crappy sometimes, why make it harder than it already is?

4- Watch the show “Honey We’re Killing the Kids” 

Watch it with your child. Make them a part of your new healthy life. The truth is you are killing your child both in body and spirit.

I have noticed if the parent is overweight the child is likely to be too. Now I have no idea if parents just don’t get that if it isn’t working for themselves it probably won’t work for the child either, or if they don’t think that it is wrong to put the kid through the same thing they go through. The health hazards alone would be worth stopping for, but that isn’t the worst of it, they either get teased to DEATH at school, they become a bully so they don’t get teased, or they make fun of themselves all day so no one has the chance to rip them apart. NONE of these are healthy mindsets to be in. You are setting them up for major failure as an adult.

If they get teased all day, they will have to prove themselves for years after school to become balanced. Not to mention how “fat” people are treated as an adult, even in the workplace. I am not saying that it is fair, I am saying that is how it is.

If they are a Bully, that crap doesn’t work in the real world, so they won’t know how to solve anything when they get out into it. Problem solving is not beating up or threatening someone in the real world. We have all had that boss, the one that doesn’t last long, remember him/her? I do, he was always kindly referred to as the “asshole”.

If they make fun of themselves all the time, the most powerful person they have influencing them is themselves, they start to believe the things they say…. If all they are doing is putting themselves down they will be down. Down is no where to start in the real world. Down may be where you are, please for your childs sake, get back up, fight, if for no one else, your child.

PLEASE STOP PARENTS… YOUR CHILDREN ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS!!!!!

HELP!

Your opinions are GREATLY needed…. HELP me understand…..

Lizzy
 

Wow this is a really good post Liz. There is an awful lot here to go over, I would like to see it broken down a bit as separate posts because I don’t think I can comment on all the issues.

As to Republicans, I usually shut them up with a quote that a co-worker said to me when I was in construction building a high rise in Chicago. He pointed to a homeless guy sleeping in the ally and said to me “you’re closer to being him than you are Bill Gates.” Generally, everyone is closer to being homeless than they are to being Bill Gates. The real Republicans are the uber rich and all the other Republicans want to be uber rich. If you believe in the trickle down theory, go ahead and hang out with the rich, try to catch a drop of sweat from them like a little bird. I know the rich don’t sweat, because they are rich.

The impression I get from your post is “What do you really want from this interaction?” I find that most people have no clue as to what they really want from an interaction. What they say they want certainly does not fit with their behavior because their behavior does not give them what they want. However, I have learned that people do behave in a way that they get what they want, it’s just more of a sub-conscious emotional desire that they have not identified. How many times have we gotten what we said we wanted only to be dissatisfied with it, that it did not fulfill our expectation? What you are suggesting is really difficult for most people because you are asking them to confront their motivation, which brings into question, if they really “should” want what they really want. I am sorry, I have to stop writing here, this topic could be a whole book.-Peter

I’d Rather Be “Rich” Than “Right”

This is my ALL time favorite saying. Harry Freidman said it in one of his “many” sales trainings which I was lucky enough to be enlightened by. This is such a valuable statement, yet most people don’t understand it, and certainly don’t live by it. This concept is very profitable in business, mainly because the EGO makes so many decisions in our workforce, the EGO makes us long to be “right” all the time. This concept accounts for all the “good” and bad decisions made in the workforce or at the very least 99% of them. For those “leaders” and “leadees” out in the market that “get” this concept have a strong tendency to succeed, and for those who do not, they usually fail, and are miserable in the process. This goes for personal life too, but for now we will keep it in business mode….  

Now, who hasn’t had a boss, or a direct report that needs to prove CONSTANTLY that they know more than you do? They are always “right” and you are always “wrong”, and even when it proves beyond a reasonable doubt that you were in fact “right”, they blame it on wrong information, or a “wrong” circumstance. Either way, “someone else was wrong”; with the wrong information they were given, they still made the “right” decision based on the “wrong” something or someone that they were fed.  

Who hasn’t had a customer say “the customer is always right”?

WE ALL KNOW THAT THE CUSTOMER IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, and here is how we ALL know it, WE ARE ALL CUSTOMERS, AND AT SOME POINT WE HAVE BEEN WRONG…. You do the math… Therefore we dig a little deeper into the statement….

The reason this statement worked so well in the service industry is it says to our Ego, “hey, come here, and I will give you your most prized possession… YOU WILL BE RIGHT 24/7… Never EVER wrong”. This was brilliant of who ever made this statement up, I seriously doubt it was created in the “broad”sense I am suggesting, but what better way to get people into your business, than to tell them that they are “perfection” if they only shop at YOUR store, they are basically a temporary “Christ Child”… For the thirty minutes that it takes to buy a car these days. SMART!

Let US learn from the used car salesmen that made this up…. If you let people be “right” instead of “human”, they will flock toward you. They will throw money at you. They will take anything you give them. They will be loyal to you…. Bosses and Clients together will be drawn to you, not because you are misleading or manipulating them, but they will respect your humility and it will create an environment for positive change and advancement.

Who hasn’t found themselves making a stink about something that is completely irrelevant to the successes of the business, or to the quality of the work environment?

The best example of this I can give is I was sitting with a few self-named “republicans” a few months ago, discussing politics and the “rights” and “wrongs” in our government  system. Thinking back now, anyone who has gone to the trouble and through the commitment of naming themselves a “party” most likely will not change their mind because of something that I say, especially when I am saying that they are wrong and I am right. I have not gone through the trouble of naming myself a democrat nor a republican, mostly because I am afraid that I will stop seeking thoughts of my own.   Secretly,  I feel this is what  happens to most of these “party joiners”. Furthermore, I feel like it is the easy way out ; a chance to not have to contemplate.  I almost consider it a sorority or fraternity of some sort. All of that aside, I felt this overwhelming need to tell them that they were wrong, and dissect what their thought process problem was. In the end, they ended up hating me. As a matter of fact, I ruined a relationship, not only for myself, but for someone I love. The truth is, I was right about everything I said, and still believe that they were wrong about everything that they said but, instead of letting life teach them a lesson, in the end life taught me a lesson - Don’t stand up and fight for something that is not my battle, and do not try to change minds, minds can’t be changed, they only change themselves. Their minds were changed alright, just not about tax cuts and religious rights, but about me.

Lesson? Do not try to change minds, they only change themselves

This in the business world would be a great example of when you get a new boss, and he/she thinks that she has a MONUMENTAL new way of doing something, and you after working there for however long you have, know FOR SURE it won’t work, no way, no how….. Sometimes the lesson is not yours to learn, it is time for life to teach your new boss- don’t be afraid to let life humble someone for a change. Same with your employees, they are sure it will work, they know they are right; if it doesn’t hurt your bottom line, let life teach them a lesson. Same with a customer or client, if you have understood where they are coming from, told them your concerns, let them fly, they will respect you, and come back to you.  

In business there is a technique to use empathy, use statements like
“I understand”

“I appreciate”

“I recognize”

“I value”

This is a way to tell the customer, boss, or employee that you “get” what they are saying, you know where they are coming from, on to the next…..

Then you are to say “My concern is….” this is a good way to acknowledge that there is an issue and transition to your “issue”. Never saying words like “but, except, excluding, bar, however, although, nevertheless, apart from”, which then discounts your acceptance of their “issue”.  Acceptance is a fancier word for being “right”.

This is a GREAT way to communicate with people that you are trying to make positive results with. Especially with the Boss that signs your paycheck, does it truly matter to you if you are “right” and he is “wrong”? (Unless there is an integrity issue, different story)

Does it matter if you know everything, and he/she knows nothing? No, he/she still signs you paycheck, and in the end, he will advance the person that makes his/her EGO feel better, it is just natural.

Perfect example… You are a teenager, your friends are all telling you that you are “right”, and your mother is telling you that you are “wrong”… Who do you want to hang with?  

Take it into personal life, same thing… Have you ever had a fight with a boyfriend or girlfriend that ends up out of hand because they JUST REFUSE to acknowledge that YOU WERE RIGHT and they WERE WRONG?

How can they not see this? How can they be so stupid?

Step back, you probably are “right” but rather than them be “wrong”, they will fight you to the death.

Boyfriend isn’t paying enough attention to you, you deserve more than this, rather than saying “Hey, I would like to see you a few more times this week if possible” you say “You are a bad boyfriend, you never spend time with me (i.e. you are wrong)” If he backs down now, he is admitting he was wrong, he doesn’t back down. Now he has to prove that he is right, instead of giving his energy to your needs. Non-Productive Conversation.

(NPC)

NPC- this is when you say a statement and rather than it moving a situation forward, it stays stagnant or reverses.

There are endless examples of NPC in the world today floating around…..

STOP NPC!

The Human Ego (or in this case we will call it brain, although I am sure by how strong the drive is, it has to do with the heart too) is constantly fighting to be “CORRECT”. This

Force is probably the strongest in our society today. There have been Wars started and carried on, just because someone cannot say that they were “wrong”, that is what we are dealing with. Families have broken apart, and businesses ripped to shreds, countries crumble, and hearts are broken everyday, all because there is something inside of us that cannot admit to being “not right”.

This is all very known…. books are written everyday about how to adjust our thinking this way.

Why not with all the knowledge of this “Plague” that damns our land do we NOT make the necessary steps to make it “work” for us? Why is it so hard to say…? “You’re right”

Taking this Personally…..

Have you ever been verbally attacked? You know, one of those where you know with 100% of your soul that you are not to blame….

First Reaction? Tell them EXACTLY how “wrong” they are….

Second Reaction? Tell them why you are so “right”…..

Third Reaction? Clean up the carnage…..

Now, when your core is attacked and you feel as though you are the only one that will stick up for you, ask yourself the question…. Would I rather be “rich” than “right”?

If you would rather be “right” than “rich” (meaning have them as a friend or family member) then let them have it, they are not of enough value anyway to you…..

I believe that under no circumstances are we able to change one another. We are only able to mold ourselves into what we want to be, which brings me to why argue and fight?, why prove to someone that you believe that they should change when they are the only one that can give that to themselves, yet our Ego steps up to the plate first?

Sometimes you have got to fire friends, fire bosses, fire customers, fire boyfriends and girlfriends, even fire family members, you do, they are toxic….. Sometimes the pain that they serve to you is unbearable, and YOU make that choice, it is not them. That is your “right”, and the only “right” you need, know that you are in charge of your own finality. You have the power, now all we need is the ability to know when to use it. Humility is the answer. Humility = Rich…..

I am very interested in your thoughts on this Subject; I believe it could make a huge difference in the world we live in. DON’T TELL ME I AM WRONG!!!

Class has nothing to do with MONEY!

The reason this word has been associated with money for so long, is because it used to discribe your social or economic state i.e. “working class”. 

There are more distinct definitions of this word, that we need to focus upon

1)Class- Grade or Quality

2) Class- Excellence, as of style

What makes us have class?

I would like to know what you think, I know what I think “class” is,  I am eager to coffee talk with you about your thoughts.

Yours,

Lizzy 

CoffeeTalkers!

Over the week in Florida I had a discussion about lives, and what makes one more valuable than another. The discussion turned out to be more hostile than I thought it would, but the meat and potatoes of it was the value of a life. We were discussing China vs. America, but that is just the inspiration of this thought. At first, I made the broad statement that all lives we were the same, and for the debates concern, I stuck with that, after the evenings talk was over it hit me, what makes you more valuable than someone else, really?

I still believe that when we are born and take our first breathes, we are worth the same, we are a new soul with the same possibilities, but as we grow older and make choices based on situations, and facts, we start to either be valueable or not.

Value? To each of us this is a different definition, but is there a equation that is iron clad to make you a valuable human being?

For me value makes things more positive on our earth, it won’t strip anything of worth. Money has always been a scale on which we can monitor value, but it has ripped friends, families, companies, and countries apart. Today it causes humans to murder, steal, lie, and cheat, and yet we still use it to establish a value in something.

The things that I feel valuable is Love, Honor, Friendship, and Trust. The way you can monitor these things is the amout of love, honor, friendship and trust that you give, unlike money, it is not based on how much you get, but how much you are able to provide.

My question to you Coffee Talkers is; What do you find most Valuable? How do you monitor how valuable you and others are?  What makes one life more Valuable than the other? What is Value to you?

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy 

You find yourself at dinner, with someone you are not related to….. You have to go to the Bathroom…. WHY DO WE FEEL OBLIGATED TO GIVE TOO MUCH INFORMATION?

“PARDON ME, I must use the ladies room”- Okay, now we have just made our guest think about the fact that we have got to take a piss, or even worse…. Why too much info?

“Excuse me for just one moment” - We could be getting up to go trade stocks on our Blackberry… They have no idea, and they don’t need to have an idea…. TMI, it’s like a epidemic in this society… STOP telling people what you have to do, just politely excuse yourself, and Thank them for waiting when you get back…. Pet Peeve? Maybe?

I wrote this a few years ago when I decided to start treating myself kindly, and respecting the truth about me. This was part of my process of falling in love with me….

I actually may know less. In a way, being smaller minded was easier through my early twenties, now I see so many things and have heard so much that it has become so confusing. Confusing in the way that what you see isn’t what you always get, one size doesn’t always fit all, and a minute can be a really long time, so you can’t say “just a minute” you may need to say “Still a whole minute more”. A minute can be a real long time and an hour can go by like a minute depending on what you are enduring. The fact is; people lie, cheat, steal, deceive, omit truth, borrow with out asking only to never give back, liberate an item that is not theirs, and overall screw each other all of the time, and believe me you’ve done it, I’ve done it, and even your goodie two shoes Grandmother did it. You may not do it out in the open, you may be a “behind the curtain do wronger”, for instance; you can lie to your own heart, cheat yourself out of happiness, steal from your quality of life, omit telling the truth for fear of hearing it yourself, liberate a truth that doesn’t belong to you, and overall fuck yourself over. Why do we think its “right” to do it to ourselves and not to others? Yes, there are bad people that do all of these to others and they suck, why do we not hold ourselves accountable for royally robbing ourselves? Do you commit a crime when you lie, cheat, or steal from yourself? Why don’t we hold ourselves to the standard that we do criminals?

 My niece told me last week that if you make an error in judgment if you do not attempt to fix it, it’s a true mistake.

 If you do fix it, it cancels itself out, with that being said, if I stop lying, cheating, and stealing from myself will the punishment stop?

Step into Action

Ask yourself- What do I want?

Write down three goals for every single room and three things you don’t want in every single room. Write them on a piece of paper, with a big marker, and tape them in a prominent place. This will be a Guideline to your success. For Instance;

Living Room

Goals

1)      Peaceful

2)      Relaxing

3)      Social

No

1)      Playroom

2)      Cafeteria

3)      Clutter

This will allow you to make UNEMOTIONAL DECISIONS…. When you put emotion into your things, you make poor choices that have no purpose. Look at this list every time you have a hard time getting rid of something, if it supports your goals for the room, keep it, if it doesn’t GET RID OF IT!

Home is where the heart is. That being said, what in your home is a suitable roommate for your heart?

1)      Bills- Who the hell keeps sending these things?

2)      Junk Mail- Key word “Junk”

3)      Keepsakes- You don’t need to “keep” them for God sakes

4)      Pictures- Picture this, no one cares to see most of your pictures

5)      Clothing- There is people out there that can’t find anything to wear- Cause there is nothing in their closet; What’s your problem?

6)      Toys- A.D.D.  …. By overload

This is a good place to start; these are a few things that people usually get overwhelmed with. Let’s start here, get this crap out of the way, and then move on. Start to LIVE….

There is a mindset change that will happen after you get these things under wraps. You are joining what I call the “Throw-Away Club”…. The “Throw away Club” simply means that you have taken your focus off of your things, and put the meaning back into your soul purpose, peace.

Bills-

I have noticed a direct reflection between someone’s Bills, and their clutter. When you are overwhelmed with your bills, you become overwhelmed with your entire life, you are emotionally stressed, and instead of taking it on like a challenge you stack them in a place, that you see everyday, and pretend that they are important. Paying your bills is important we all know that, but if you cannot pay them they seem to become peace suckers, and you have anxiety all the time….. I used to stack them on my desk (which I sat at everyday), not open them at all, and once I got so overwhelmed, I wouldn’t even pay the ones I could, it was just too much to deal with. I was putting emotion into every single envelope.

Solution

1)      Remove your name from the bills, act like they are not your bills, they are some other persons, someone you love, and you do not judge. (By removing judgment of yourself, you remove emotion)

2)      Take a yellow legal pad and write 4 different Categories on top of 4 different pages. Example; Household, Medical, Credit, and Miscellaneous (This will typically feel scary, you are about to find out where you are “bill wise”, don’t stop, the goal is to get these down on this piece of paper, stop judging yourself, remember, these are not your bills, they are someone else’s)  

3)      Open every bill and throw away the envelope they sent it to you in, write it down in the category it belongs in on the legal pad, the amount and when it “was or is” due. (This is the worst step, keep remembering these “are not your bills right now”)

4)      Rip the statement from the rest of the bill, place it in the envelope that the bill collector provides for you, and write the amount on the envelope. Make four piles (same categories as before, household, medical, credit, and misc); place the envelopes in those piles according to what they represent.

5)      Get a daily calendar, assign the bills to pay days, most important to least important, I have found it goes- Household, because you need hot water, and groceries, credit, because they are just dying to rob you with a high interest, misc, and then medical, the fact is, everyone has medical bills, pay them $20 a month, and they can’t do anything that I know about to you, like kill you or mame you, or be an ass to you over the phone)

6)      Put the stack of bills that you are paying that week in the back of the daily planner, and put the rest in a file.

7)      As bills come in, ad them to the legal pad, and then assign them a pay day. Every week pay the bills you planned to pay, and keep the rest in file ready to go.

THERE SHOULD NEVER BE BILLS OUT FOR YOU TO SEE IN YOUR HOME, these seriously like TOXIC to your peace of mind, you have a plan to pay them, stop looking at them, it doesn’t make them more or less important, and it just makes you feel like crap because you can’t pay them today.

Look under the comments- Kelly (a coffeetalker) has professional advice about medical bills

Junk Mail-

There is not much use in Junk Mail, but occasionally you will find that there is a new business out there or a great coupon, or something that you can use, this is rare, so here’s what I want you to do.

Solution

1)      Where ever you come in your home, place a garbage can somewhere easily accessible.

2)      When you get the mail, go threw it over the garbage can, throw away what ever you aren’t going to use that week (notice, I said “that week”, because if it is longer than a week, you will forget about it, and it becomes clutter)

3)      Place what ever coupons in your daily planner. Use them.

Note; I rarely keep anything like this, coupons usually encourage you to spend more on what you don’t need, if you keep it make sure it is something you will use this week)

Keep Sakes

Keepsakes never seize to amaze me, everyone’s got their grandmothers this or their kids that, and usually they are at the bottom of a box, not being shown or anything. What the hell are you keeping this stuff for?

Solution

1)      If you are not displaying it, with love and honor, you are disgracing this piece of memorabilia, if it’s not important enough to put it in a place of importance, give it away to someone that will honor it.

2)      Keep in mind, things are not people.

 An antique sugar bowl, that doesn’t match your style, that is really valuable to someone, sell it, use the money for a nice weekend away, trust me, your favorite grandma that died would rather you make a nice memory out of that sugar bowl, that have you look at and feel guilty for hating the thing.   

Pictures

Keep in mind, people are usually being nice when it comes to looking at your pictures, they normally would rather visit with you, or do something fun to make a new memory. There are pictures that are important to keep, baby’s first step, or birthday, or whatever.

Solution

1)      Place these pictures in a photo book, NOW. (I am not asking you to become a “scrap booker”, Get them in a safe dry book, and call it a day. Projects that you “plan” to do “one day” usually never happen, or if they do, it’s too late.

2)      Throw away the rest; if it is not worth putting in a book, it’s not worth keeping. You are not throwing away the person or the memory if you throw away the picture of the person or the memory.

This is a really weird category for people; they have so many emotional ties to photos. When you are  going through this part of your clutter, pretend you are someone that doesn’t know you, and is trying to decipher your life through pictures, if the picture doesn’t tell a story about you get rid of it.

Note: People hate pictures of your vacation, STOP SHOWING THEM TO EVERYONE, which has nothing to do with getting rid of them; it’s just something that bothers people in general.

Clothing

Oh…. Clothing…. This is the subject that is the WORST when it comes to “pitching”. For some reason, we have a tendency to latch onto our clothes. Whether they are too small, too big, too hot, too cold, too whatever… Here’s the deal, clothing is in one of the “key survival categories” i.e. shelter, food, clothing….. Therefore, we are nervous about getting rid of this crap….

Solution

1)      If it doesn’t fit you today, get rid of it. There is someone that needs it TODAY, that can fit into it.

2)      If you haven’t liked it for 1 month, you will never like it again. There is a less fortunate person out there that will LOVE it, give it to them.

3)      If you are overwhelmed with laundry, the more clothes you give away, the less laundry you will be able to have.

4)      If it is summer, put your winter clothes away, and vice versa…. When you take out the next season, immediately put the other season away.

Give your clothes that you are not using to people in need. I cannot plead enough to take care of your fellow man/woman; we are all on this earth together.

Toys

I AM GOING TO GET ON A SOAP BOX FOR A MINUTE… YOU READY?….. We are making our children unhappy with all of the “things” we are giving them. We are giving them 100’s of toys and expecting them to appreciate EVERYTHING…. Let me ask the question; Why are we giving so many “things” to our children, expecting them to make the decision to appreciate people, hard work, money, and somehow grasp the “good” in life, yet we distract them with “things” that have no meaning whatsoever, why?

Solution

1)      Pick out 10 favorite toys, set them aside.

2)      If your child is old enough, give them a “garden sized” bag and ask them to fill it up with toys to give to a less fortunate child.

3)      Praise your child for having a kind heart, and giving to others

4)      Make a rule, if you disrespect your toys they will be given to someone else (if the toys are on the floor, placed somewhere they don’t belong, left outside)

5)      Give the disrespected toys to someone else

6)      If your child asks where the toy is (you know you gave it away) say “I don’t know”, this will make your child look for it, and eventually they will keep a closer eye on things that they want to keep.

7)      Stop buying toys, not all together, but this should be a special occasion, not a weekly event. Make them look forward to something

      STOP THREATENING YOUR CHILD…. If you make the rule “I will be giving your toys away that you leave out”, just do it, do not threaten them over and over, you discount your word when you say you are going to do something and then don’t. JUST DO IT….

I watched a couple at a restaurant the other day tell their 3 year old five times that if she did not stop acting that way they were going to leave, she did not stop, and they did not leave…. They were lying. They had no intention of leaving; therefore she didn’t change her behavior. If once they had actually left, she probably would have been more reactive to their warning. These children are little people (treat them like it, and people don’t appreciate liars); tell them what you are going to do, then actually do it. THAT’S IT!

You have worked really hard….Now CELEBRATE by going to Good Will, or the Salvation Army….. Celebrate Giving…. Celebrate that you no longer place love on things instead of people and memories…. Celebrate Life

DECISION TIME…….. What is Important to YOU?

You have got to decide if your things are worth more than your peace of mind…

1) Why are you collecting things?

There are a few reasons you would collect crap (crap is not neccessarily unvaluable, it is stuff you don’t need), you either find it valuable, or you fear letting it go.

My friend managed to tell me EVERYTHING was important. I needed to understand this concept a little better. Why?

As we went through, when she said we had to keep it, I’d ask Why?

The reasons were simple.

1) It was expensive

2) Someone she cared about gave it to her

3) She didn’t know when, but she might need it

4) It had a sentimental value…. Reminder of a memory of an importantant person or event.

Okay, so we have the reasons we keep things, money, guilt, and fear.

1) If it is in fact valuable, why not sell it? You are wasting it’s value by not using it, or giving it to someone to use. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH NOTHING, give it to them, not only is a tax write off, but it is a way to make yourself feel really good about “giving”. GIVE TO OTHERS.

2) People you love give you crap all the time, they think GIVING (see #1) is a good thing, and it is… These people are typically giving “things” to you because they love you. That being said, they love you, and they are not giving to you to make you feel bad, they are no giving to you to make you feel obligated, and they are not giving to you to make you feel cluttered. The people who truly give for the right reason (out of love) are not coming over to your home and taking a mental inventory, as a matter of a fact they forget about the “thing” immediately. Do you remember anything you have given to someone out of love over the years? NO! GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE…

3) Need…. Such a strange overused word. What do we actually “NEED”? There are people out there that “need” it now. GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE….

4) Sentimental Value? Things are not people, they are not places, and they are not memories… Your childrens drawings are real peices of Art, but if you have to spend time moving them all the time instead of spending time with your children, they are robbing you of your memories. When you put emotional attatchment on “things” you loose emotional attachment to people, places, and overall memories. GIVE and THROW your things away, and make time for MEMORIES…. Live

Note; There are things that are important to you, if they are not treated like they are important, then you are disgracing the “thing”…. Put this in a respectable, honorable place in your home. Celebrate it…. If you have something that you love, truly love it by displaying it in a loving way. LIVE with it…. 

That being said, ask yourself WHY?

Making a GREAT Living

When I was younger, all I wanted to do was make a GREAT living, which to me was MAKING A LOT OF MONEY, AND HAVING TONS OF STUFF. I managed by the time I was 21 to buy my own house, a few cars, new furniture, clothes, shoes, and had tons of “friends” to go out and help me spend my “GREAT LIVING”. The only real problem was, I was not happy.

I found that owning all my crap made me almost handcuffed to a lifestyle that was really overrated, now, don’t get me wrong, I like nice things, but I have found “things” just don’t make you happy, as a matter of fact, having too many “things”, reverses the effect and makes you miserable. Having the wrong people in your life has the same effect, they become anchors. I felt like all this was closing in on me, and it had to go…..

Do You OWN Your Things or Do They OWN You?

A most important question….. Who owns What? or What owns Who?

I am not asking anyone to get rid of the “dream house” or the “dream car”, I am talking about the things you acquire for no apparent reason, the stuff, the crap.

What is so IMPORTANT about your Crap?

Recently, I was invited over to a friends house to help her “organize” her home. She was beyond frustrated by the build up of things around the house. Once I got over there, I realized why she was out of her mind, there was crap everywhere. I thought to myself, this should be a piece of cake…. We will throw it all away, and be done with it… Simple Enough Right? 

Once we got started, I realized that things were not going to be as simple as I thought, as we started to pillage through all of her families crap, and I stood by with a garden sized garbage bag, we started to make a great discovery…. EVERY SINGLE THING HAD SOME SORT OF IMPORTANCE…. How could this be?

I started to get very concerned, this is one of the dearest people in my life, and I knew she was in trouble. We went through the entire room, and moved the junk from that area to another…. OPERATION JUNK RELOCATION?

This went on for over an hour, we even came across a basket of bills to pay, a laptop on the floor, and a Nintendo DS of one of the kids.

At this point I made a choice, I could keep randomly  moving junk, or I could speak up, and find out what was going on…. Keep in mind, as we relocated the junk, my friend’s face was sad and overwhelmed. I couldn’t stand it, I love her, and her things had taken her for ransom….

I stood up….. “STOP”

She stopped.

“We have got to make a decision here, are these things important, or is you family important?” 

“My Family of course”

“Then let us make your family important, and here is how we are going to do it….”