I fall in Love everyday.

 

The purpose of my life is to love. Love is a strange misused word I believe, sometimes we use it to say that we like some “thing”, occasionally we use it as in a sarcastic way of saying we “loath” something or an action of someone. Sometimes we even use it to, describe the way we have treated something or someone…..  And in some cases we make love, by giving ourselves to another in a sexual way.

 

Love, luv, vt (loving loved). To regard with affection, to like, to delight in. To be in love; to be tenderly attached. N. Warm affection; fond attatchment; the passion between sexes, the object beloved a word of endearment, Cupid, the god of love; the score of nothing at tennis, etc.

 

Out of all the definitions of love my favorite is the last, the score of nothing. I have thought a lot of love lately, I am completely in love with a man, you hear me talk of him sometimes, but the words don’t always come easily when describing him. Back to my definition, the score of nothing, now I realize we are talking about tennis, but I think tennis has something here, a lesson. When describing nothing by calling it “love”, what is love?

 

Love is no score, you need not keep score, and it is the lack of points. Keep with me here, I know I am rambling, but when you start measuring points in a relationship, someone starts to lose and someone starts to win. That’s when the love goes away. Which brings me to falling out of love, when the other gets points, you are on the defense, or when you get points you are now on the offense. Love is about not keeping score……

 

Now, I will go back to my love, over the last year and a half we have been together, we have done things for each other, neat things, and we are very excited to “take care” of each other….. We truly enjoy making each other happy…. Really trying to analyze why we are so different than other relationships I have been in, I realize that we are not keeping score, love. We are zero to zero, and we are enjoying our scoreless match.

 

If we never keep score, we are always in “love”…..

 

So bringing this into our daily lives……. When we stop keeping score of what we are doing for others, stop keeping score of what others are doing for us, stop scoring everything all together, we will be in love with the world, Right?

 

Here is an example, I have five sisters, from all walks of life, and at some point we have all been “broke” in one way or the other. Without hesitation we have all at one point or another made up for the others short comings. I have no idea how many shirts I have “borrowed” or how much money has been “given”, but I do know this, we have taken care of each other time and time again without keeping score, or tally, we truly love each other. Some have walked one path and others another, but there is no jealousy, no rivalry, and no competition. We are happy when one another succeeds and sad when we fail. We just love, and that is that.

 

Why can we not give that to the rest of the world?   

 

1)      Stop comparing your game to others

2)      Stop caring if someone compares their game to yours

3)      Appreciate someone who is better than you

4)      Help someone who hasn’t got the game you do

5)      Remember that we are all on the same side

6)      Score Love, by keeping no score

 

I fall in love Everyday, I am not keeping score with the world……..    

This reminds me of my daughters. I can not describe them as delicate creatures, but wonderful beings. Anyway, back to my story. A couple of months ago I hear a “thud” followed by a scream… 1st daughter had punched 2nd daughter square in the back. ( I still haven’t hear the truth about why) My response is to separate, check to make sure 2nd daughter is not horribly injured, and follow up with a punishment for 1st daughter… And here is the kicker. 2nd Daughter threw herself between 1st daughter and I determined that NOONE and I mean NOONE will hurt her sister, even if the spanking is a punishment for the brutal attack on her! Again. You can do anything to your sister/friend, but don’t let anyone else even look sideways at them.-Kate

This is a letter I sent to my sister……

Dear Katie,

 

Inspired by your Birthday tomorrow I sat down to think of the last twenty-nine years of knowing Kathryn Jill, or as I have always known you as “my baby sister”, I felt compelled to let you know just how important you have been in my everyday life.

 

I cannot remember the first eighteen months of my life even when I try very hard, my first memories of my existence you were part of me, and although it has been said that when you were brought into this world I wasn’t very happy about your arrival, I cannot recall those thoughts nor would I want to conceive ever thinking them. You have been a part of me since I was introduced to myself, and without you I have never known, and never will. You are me, and I am you, and that will always be; for I know nothing without you in me.

 

You were my first best friend, and a true best friend you have remained. Although, I have never completely rapped my mind around the concept, you taught me what I know today about sharing. As children and as adults, if you feel pain, I share your pain, as you take mine. We share secrets, successes, failures, and feelings, and in the end I know that it is you, my dearest friend, that I will, for my entire life, share my life as it has and always will be that way. 

 

You were my first enemy, and what a remarkable enemy you were. Through the injuries and screaming and bloodshed, it has been you that taught me to forgive, and you that humbled me first. When the wars ended and the battlefield was cleaned up, it was you that I always had on my side, and we have remained our fearless loyal soldiers standing beside each other. We have fought and won and always will fight to the death for each other. You taught me to be true.  I will remain your advocate as it has and always will be that way.

 

Although it seems that we have taken two different paths in life, we travel those paths together. I have never been lonely because you are always with me and I will always be with you. I have never known life without you.

 

Tears stream down my cheeks when I write to you because I cannot imagine myself without you. You continuously make me a better human being. I thank you for loving me all of your life, I would be lost without you, for I am not me with out you, “my baby sister”.  Happy Birthday

 

Forever,

 

 “SISSY”   

Hi Lizzy,
Bill told me about your site.
What do you think about working mothers? I think I work too much and make too little. Sometimes I think it would easier to not work and be a bum. That’s not going to happen. How do you suggest I balance work work work and having a house, a kid, a fishtank and I cat to keep up with?
 

 

 

Dear Beth,

 

Thank you for coffee talking with me! Balance is a thorn in everyone’s side, if you are winning one battle, you feel like you are losing another. Just like in war, if you fight one battle at a time, you have a better chance of winning. As with most parents you are constantly walking the line between providing financial stability and emotional stability.

Raising your child is your most important job, but that requires money, and as attractive as becoming a bum may look today, pushing a shopping cart down Main Street with a kid, a fish tank and a cat, just doesn’t paint the picture of what anyone wants for the future.

 

Divide your life into Categories

 

When you try to make everyone happy all the time, no one is happy, and everything seems to be “half assed”.

Even though you have a business that you are running, make yourself an employee, set times to be at work, and times to leave. Literally and Mentally “Clock Out”. This will allow you to give work 100% and your family 100%.

This is quality vs. quantity, the age old crisis, quality always wins.

You deserve quality, so does your child, and your company, if you spread the peanut butter too thin, it turns out to be a dry crappy sandwich. When you are at work, work hard, when you are at home, love hard.

 

Stop Keeping up with the Jones’s

 

Decide what is important to you, write it down on a piece of paper, and hang it on your fridge. This way you think about what you want and stop working for things you don’t want. In today’s society we have a tendency to “keep up”, therefore we lose sight of what is important to us, and our children. We were dirt poor when I was a child, and I can tell you now, I am thankful that my mom didn’t give me everything I thought I wanted. All my friends had the latest Nintendo, beautiful cloths, and money to do what ever they wanted, the only thing they didn’t have was a mom that loved them like crazy, and knew them as a human. These days we want to give our children every “thing”, when they truly don’t really need “things”, they need love, and a little food every once in a while.

Which brings me to sports, hobbies, and commitments, these kids have a busier social schedule than I did in my early twenties (which was outrageous, I could show you ATM receipts). It is important for them to be involved, but not in everything, let them pick one thing that they really do well, and help them perfect it. We wonder why this newest generation has no focus, but we put them in the position of being a jack of all extra curricular activities and master of none.

Again its quality vs. quantity, quality wins again.

 

Mothers Unite

 

There are others like you, in masses. When I was little, I remember a constant circle of “family” friends, one day we would go to a lady named Connie’s house the next we would be at my house, the next at my Aunt Katie’s. My mom formed some sort of mother coalition, so she and her girlfriends got together and helped one another. You are not weak if you ask for help, you are smart. The thing you are searching for is time, quality time. Find a group of mothers that are in similar situations as you are, and present a “Network”. This will allow you to gain some “quality time” for yourself, and give your child the experience to grow up with some other perspectives. There are all kinds of resources, the school, daycare, church, bar, or anywhere else there are humans that struggle with time, and that is everywhere. Have a “girlfriend” coffee talk or wine night, and present the idea of a Mothers Network, these women are struggling too.

 

Don’t Over Commit to Anything

 

“No thanks”, the two best words in the English language for freedom. We are not obligated to do anything, stop emotionally attaching yourself to “no”, it’s not a bad word, and it’s not offensive. The fact is, it’s a misconception that the world wants us to do everything, yet we crucify ourselves mentally for not being able to. Just STOP doing everything.

 

Failure

 

Stop the “guilt” and it will stop “stopping” you. Guilt is something of a mystery to me, we are the only species that feels it, and it has no positive repercussions on our actions. If you are being the best mother you can be, and the best worker you can be, and the best fish owner you can be, let yourself be.

 

   

Final and most important

 

You gave me several categories of your life, and balancing the kid, the work, the cat, and the fish, and like most women you forgot the most important category, YOU.

This is the best advice I can give you, and I truly believe the most productive, TAKE YOU BACK. Beth, take one hour a day to yourself, I don’t care if you have to get up at 5:00 in the morning to do it. It will be worth more to the quality of your life, than anything that you could do. Think about yourself, how you feel, what you are, and most of all think about the fact that you are the most important thing to take care of, your child, your work, your cat, and your fish all depend on you, and without you taking a little part of you back, none of these things get a quality of care.

Reward yourself with an hour a day, and that hour will reward every single other category in your life. Have a cup of coffee, and realize why the hell you are doing all this to begin with…

 

My heart is with you on your journey, and I commend you for being a strong woman. Thanks for the Coffee talk, I look forward to next time…. Lizzy    

   

Step into Action

 

Ask yourself- What do I want?

 

Write down three goals for every single room and three things you don’t want in every single room. Write them on a piece of paper, with a big marker, and tape them in a prominent place. This will be a Guideline to your success. For Instance;

Living Room

Goals

1)      Peaceful

2)      Relaxing

3)      Social

 

No

1)      Playroom

2)      Cafeteria

3)      Clutter

 

This will allow you to make UNEMOTIONAL DECISIONS…. When you put emotion into your things, you make poor choices that have no purpose. Look at this list every time you have a hard time getting rid of something, if it supports your goals for the room, keep it, if it doesn’t GET RID OF IT!

 

 

Home is where the heart is. That being said, what in your home is a suitable roommate for your heart?

 

1)      Bills- Who the hell keeps sending these things?

2)      Junk Mail- Key word “Junk”

3)      Keepsakes- You don’t need to “keep” them for God sakes

4)      Pictures- Picture this, no one cares to see most of your pictures

5)      Clothing- There is people out there that can’t find anything to wear- Cause there is nothing in their closet; What’s your problem?

6)      Toys- A.D.D.  …. By overload

  

This is a good place to start; these are a few things that people usually get overwhelmed with. Let’s start here, get this crap out of the way, and then move on. Start to LIVE….

  

There is a mindset change that will happen after you get these things under wraps. You are joining what I call the “Throw-Away Club”…. The “Throw away Club” simply means that you have taken your focus off of your things, and put the meaning back into your soul purpose, peace.

 

Bills-

 

I have noticed a direct reflection between someone’s Bills, and their clutter. When you are overwhelmed with your bills, you become overwhelmed with your entire life, you are emotionally stressed, and instead of taking it on like a challenge you stack them in a place, that you see everyday, and pretend that they are important. Paying your bills is important we all know that, but if you cannot pay them they seem to become peace suckers, and you have anxiety all the time….. I used to stack them on my desk (which I sat at everyday), not open them at all, and once I got so overwhelmed, I wouldn’t even pay the ones I could, it was just too much to deal with. I was putting emotion into every single envelope.

 

Solution

 

1)      Remove your name from the bills, act like they are not your bills, they are some other persons, someone you love, and you do not judge. (By removing judgment of yourself, you remove emotion)

2)      Take a yellow legal pad and write 4 different Categories on top of 4 different pages. Example; Household, Medical, Credit, and Miscellaneous (This will typically feel scary, you are about to find out where you are “bill wise”, don’t stop, the goal is to get these down on this piece of paper, stop judging yourself, remember, these are not your bills, they are someone else’s)  

3)      Open every bill and throw away the envelope they sent it to you in, write it down in the category it belongs in on the legal pad, the amount and when it “was or is” due. (This is the worst step, keep remembering these “are not your bills right now”)

4)      Rip the statement from the rest of the bill, place it in the envelope that the bill collector provides for you, and write the amount on the envelope. Make four piles (same categories as before, household, medical, credit, and misc); place the envelopes in those piles according to what they represent.

5)      Get a daily calendar, assign the bills to pay days, most important to least important, I have found it goes- Household, because you need hot water, and groceries, credit, because they are just dying to rob you with a high interest, misc, and then medical, the fact is, everyone has medical bills, pay them $20 a month, and they can’t do anything that I know about to you, like kill you or mame you, or be an ass to you over the phone)

6)      Put the stack of bills that you are paying that week in the back of the daily planner, and put the rest in a file.

7)      As bills come in, ad them to the legal pad, and then assign them a pay day. Every week pay the bills you planned to pay, and keep the rest in file ready to go.

 

THERE SHOULD NEVER BE BILLS OUT FOR YOU TO SEE IN YOUR HOME, these seriously like TOXIC to your peace of mind, you have a plan to pay them, stop looking at them, it doesn’t make them more or less important, and it just makes you feel like crap because you can’t pay them today.

 

Look under the comments- Kelly (a coffeetalker) has professional advice about medical bills

 

Junk Mail-

There is not much use in Junk Mail, but occasionally you will find that there is a new business out there or a great coupon, or something that you can use, this is rare, so here’s what I want you to do.

 

Solution

 

1)      Where ever you come in your home, place a garbage can somewhere easily accessible.

2)      When you get the mail, go threw it over the garbage can, throw away what ever you aren’t going to use that week (notice, I said “that week”, because if it is longer than a week, you will forget about it, and it becomes clutter)

3)      Place what ever coupons in your daily planner. Use them.

 

Note; I rarely keep anything like this, coupons usually encourage you to spend more on what you don’t need, if you keep it make sure it is something you will use this week)

 

Keep Sakes

 

Keepsakes never seize to amaze me, everyone’s got their grandmothers this or their kids that, and usually they are at the bottom of a box, not being shown or anything. What the hell are you keeping this stuff for?

 

Solution

 

1)      If you are not displaying it, with love and honor, you are disgracing this piece of memorabilia, if it’s not important enough to put it in a place of importance, give it away to someone that will honor it.

2)      Keep in mind, things are not people.

 

 An antique sugar bowl, that doesn’t match your style, that is really valuable to someone, sell it, use the money for a nice weekend away, trust me, your favorite grandma that died would rather you make a nice memory out of that sugar bowl, that have you look at and feel guilty for hating the thing.   

 

Pictures

 

Keep in mind, people are usually being nice when it comes to looking at your pictures, they normally would rather visit with you, or do something fun to make a new memory. There are pictures that are important to keep, baby’s first step, or birthday, or whatever.

 

Solution

 

1)      Place these pictures in a photo book, NOW. (I am not asking you to become a “scrap booker”, Get them in a safe dry book, and call it a day. Projects that you “plan” to do “one day” usually never happen, or if they do, it’s too late.

2)      Throw away the rest; if it is not worth putting in a book, it’s not worth keeping. You are not throwing away the person or the memory if you throw away the picture of the person or the memory.

 

This is a really weird category for people; they have so many emotional ties to photos. When you are  going through this part of your clutter, pretend you are someone that doesn’t know you, and is trying to decipher your life through pictures, if the picture doesn’t tell a story about you get rid of it.

Note: People hate pictures of your vacation, STOP SHOWING THEM TO EVERYONE, which has nothing to do with getting rid of them; it’s just something that bothers people in general.

 

Clothing

 

Oh…. Clothing…. This is the subject that is the WORST when it comes to “pitching”. For some reason, we have a tendency to latch onto our clothes. Whether they are too small, too big, too hot, too cold, too whatever… Here’s the deal, clothing is in one of the “key survival categories” i.e. shelter, food, clothing….. Therefore, we are nervous about getting rid of this crap….

 

Solution

 

1)      If it doesn’t fit you today, get rid of it. There is someone that needs it TODAY, that can fit into it.

2)      If you haven’t liked it for 1 month, you will never like it again. There is a less fortunate person out there that will LOVE it, give it to them.

3)      If you are overwhelmed with laundry, the more clothes you give away, the less laundry you will be able to have.

4)      If it is summer, put your winter clothes away, and vice versa…. When you take out the next season, immediately put the other season away.

 

Give your clothes that you are not using to people in need. I cannot plead enough to take care of your fellow man/woman; we are all on this earth together.

  

Toys

 

I AM GOING TO GET ON A SOAP BOX FOR A MINUTE… YOU READY?….. We are making our children unhappy with all of the “things” we are giving them. We are giving them 100’s of toys and expecting them to appreciate EVERYTHING…. Let me ask the question; Why are we giving so many “things” to our children, expecting them to make the decision to appreciate people, hard work, money, and somehow grasp the “good” in life, yet we distract them with “things” that have no meaning whatsoever, why?

 

Solution

 

1)      Pick out 10 favorite toys, set them aside.

2)      If your child is old enough, give them a “garden sized” bag and ask them to fill it up with toys to give to a less fortunate child.

3)      Praise your child for having a kind heart, and giving to others

4)      Make a rule, if you disrespect your toys they will be given to someone else (if the toys are on the floor, placed somewhere they don’t belong, left outside)

5)      Give the disrespected toys to someone else

6)      If your child asks where the toy is (you know you gave it away) say “I don’t know”, this will make your child look for it, and eventually they will keep a closer eye on things that they want to keep.

7)      Stop buying toys, not all together, but this should be a special occasion, not a weekly event. Make them look forward to something

      STOP THREATENING YOUR CHILD…. If you make the rule “I will be giving your toys away that you leave out”, just do it, do not threaten them over and over, you discount your word when you say you are going to do something and then don’t. JUST DO IT….

 

I watched a couple at a restaurant the other day tell their 3 year old five times that if she did not stop acting that way they were going to leave, she did not stop, and they did not leave…. They were lying. They had no intention of leaving; therefore she didn’t change her behavior. If once they had actually left, she probably would have been more reactive to their warning. These children are little people (treat them like it, and people don’t appreciate liars); tell them what you are going to do, then actually do it. THAT’S IT!

 

You have worked really hard….Now CELEBRATE by going to Good Will, or the Salvation Army….. Celebrate Giving…. Celebrate that you no longer place love on things instead of people and memories…. Celebrate Life

  

DECISION TIME…….. What is Important to YOU?

You have got to decide if your things are worth more than your peace of mind…

1) Why are you collecting things?

There are a few reasons you would collect crap (crap is not neccessarily unvaluable, it is stuff you don’t need), you either find it valuable, or you fear letting it go.

My friend managed to tell me EVERYTHING was important. I needed to understand this concept a little better. Why?

As we went through, when she said we had to keep it, I’d ask Why?

The reasons were simple.

1) It was expensive

2) Someone she cared about gave it to her

3) She didn’t know when, but she might need it

4) It had a sentimental value…. Reminder of a memory of an importantant person or event.

Okay, so we have the reasons we keep things, money, guilt, and fear.

1) If it is in fact valuable, why not sell it? You are wasting it’s value by not using it, or giving it to someone to use. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH NOTHING, give it to them, not only is a tax write off, but it is a way to make yourself feel really good about “giving”. GIVE TO OTHERS.

2) People you love give you crap all the time, they think GIVING (see #1) is a good thing, and it is… These people are typically giving “things” to you because they love you. That being said, they love you, and they are not giving to you to make you feel bad, they are no giving to you to make you feel obligated, and they are not giving to you to make you feel cluttered. The people who truly give for the right reason (out of love) are not coming over to your home and taking a mental inventory, as a matter of a fact they forget about the “thing” immediately. Do you remember anything you have given to someone out of love over the years? NO! GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE…

3) Need…. Such a strange overused word. What do we actually “NEED”? There are people out there that “need” it now. GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE….

4) Sentimental Value? Things are not people, they are not places, and they are not memories… Your childrens drawings are real peices of Art, but if you have to spend time moving them all the time instead of spending time with your children, they are robbing you of your memories. When you put emotional attatchment on “things” you loose emotional attachment to people, places, and overall memories. GIVE and THROW your things away, and make time for MEMORIES…. Live

Note; There are things that are important to you, if they are not treated like they are important, then you are disgracing the “thing”…. Put this in a respectable, honorable place in your home. Celebrate it…. If you have something that you love, truly love it by displaying it in a loving way. LIVE with it…. 

That being said, ask yourself WHY?

Making a GREAT Living

When I was younger, all I wanted to do was make a GREAT living, which to me was MAKING A LOT OF MONEY, AND HAVING TONS OF STUFF. I managed by the time I was 21 to buy my own house, a few cars, new furniture, clothes, shoes, and had tons of “friends” to go out and help me spend my “GREAT LIVING”. The only real problem was, I was not happy.

I found that owning all my crap made me almost handcuffed to a lifestyle that was really overrated, now, don’t get me wrong, I like nice things, but I have found “things” just don’t make you happy, as a matter of fact, having too many “things”, reverses the effect and makes you miserable. Having the wrong people in your life has the same effect, they become anchors. I felt like all this was closing in on me, and it had to go…..

Do You OWN Your Things or Do They OWN You?

A most important question….. Who owns What? or What owns Who?

I am not asking anyone to get rid of the “dream house” or the “dream car”, I am talking about the things you acquire for no apparent reason, the stuff, the crap.

What is so IMPORTANT about your Crap?

Recently, I was invited over to a friends house to help her “organize” her home. She was beyond frustrated by the build up of things around the house. Once I got over there, I realized why she was out of her mind, there was crap everywhere. I thought to myself, this should be a piece of cake…. We will throw it all away, and be done with it… Simple Enough Right? 

Once we got started, I realized that things were not going to be as simple as I thought, as we started to pillage through all of her families crap, and I stood by with a garden sized garbage bag, we started to make a great discovery…. EVERY SINGLE THING HAD SOME SORT OF IMPORTANCE…. How could this be?

I started to get very concerned, this is one of the dearest people in my life, and I knew she was in trouble. We went through the entire room, and moved the junk from that area to another…. OPERATION JUNK RELOCATION?

This went on for over an hour, we even came across a basket of bills to pay, a laptop on the floor, and a Nintendo DS of one of the kids.

At this point I made a choice, I could keep randomly  moving junk, or I could speak up, and find out what was going on…. Keep in mind, as we relocated the junk, my friend’s face was sad and overwhelmed. I couldn’t stand it, I love her, and her things had taken her for ransom….

I stood up….. “STOP”

She stopped.

“We have got to make a decision here, are these things important, or is you family important?” 

“My Family of course”

“Then let us make your family important, and here is how we are going to do it….”