Parenting comes with no manual, nor does being a child, so unfortunately we are stuck with what is we are raised to believe, what we see on T.V., and what we our experiences bring our perspectives to believe. I have been thinking of parenting for a while now, since I have no children of my own, I am in my early thirties, and am at the crossroads of having to make the choice to create a life or to go on living as J and I do, this has been on my mind a lot, and that is an understatement.

Luckily, I have tons of different mothers and fathers to study, I have four nieces, and almost every single one of my best friends have had a child in the last few years, I get to see what I would do, and of course, what I would not do. It is not funny, but more sad, I see people who have had children for the wrong reasons, and then I see the extreme opposite, people that want to put all efforts into bring a person to make choices that could make our world a far greater place. None of these people parent in the same way, nor do any of them follow some sort of recipe, but it stuns me to see, the basics are always the same.

For the ones that are what I consider successful, there seems to be a perspective that it is not indeed what they want as a human but, what they want for their child. I am not talking “things” here, please do not misunderstand what I am saying, these people want to give the gift of kindness, understanding, self respect, and honesty to this little creature. They are not so much self sacrificing, but more empowering.

For the ones that I see failure in, I see them wanting “things” for their child, but the difference is that it is just things that make THEM as parents feel better. A child is to love them, or almost like a dog would be, for them to be a companion with. These people usually buy too many gadgets, focus on what others might think, and talk about how the child makes them feel. They usually complain constantly about how they are not getting what they need, like time, energy, sleep and sound utterly inconvenienced. There is nothing that ever said a child would be easy, I have never read any article that exposed that side of raising a human being. Sounds to me like we are raising a bunch of martyrs! In this day and age, with all the birth control, pro choice, and overall options that we as Americans have, you made the choice to have the child, take a little accountability here.

The reason that I am writing this all down, is I guess is makes me sad to see all the children out there that have this cross to bear, to try to figure out once they get out of the home that they grew up in what really counts. Some never do, and then they breed, and then we have some weird trickle down scenario that ends up being our next generations. All because these people had kids for the wrong reasons.

Why did you have children?

What kind of person do you want to raise?

Who do you want them to become?

What gifts are you giving them?

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

I have written about breaking up, I have written about being rich over right, I have even written about being your best self no matter what people are trying to do to you, you know, taking the high road. I feel like I need to write further on these subjects but maybe in a harsher way.

Why when all is said and done, when you want out, when the fat lady has sang and sang to the point that she has lost her voice do we allow ourselves to react to some emotional blow from someone that we cannot stand any longer? Why fight? Why?

Stop the fighting. First and foremost get the whole “eye for an eye” concept out of your mind. To quote a great “An eye for an eye make the whole world blind”- Gandhi. That being said, this includes you. Payback is a bitch and no one ever wins, but if you choose to payback someone let it be at least something that benefits you remotely. Try this… Make your life happier than the other persons by learning to react positively to their negative behaviors. THIS IS NOT EASY. Completely doable when given the attention being positive deserves, but not easy.

I have a few friends that are going through break-ups, some reflect the famous “War of the Roses” movie that reminds us all that marriage can be very scary when not handled with maturity, or more importantly, getting out of the marriage with some grace and with self respect, and some are less passionate, but the thing I notice about these break-ups are the same, someone wants out.

Lately, maybe because of my age now, there are children involved in these relationships or break-ups, what ever you want to call them. Me, coming from a “broken home” (thankful for it) has some insight for you parents out there. 1) Children are better off in two happy homes rather than one stressful unloving home. Please believe that children may not know how to drive, they may not know how to balance their check books yet (I really can’t do that either), and they may not know how to do all the things that “adults” do, but they know at birth what happy feels like, and you are doing an injustice to a child’s soul by making them feel uneasy, unhappy, and like their parents hate each other. For what? So they can see these unhappy people 24 hours a day. I’ll say it, since they don’t know how yet “No thanks Mommy and Daddy, if your sticking around for the kiddies, admit right now that it is for your own selfish reasons, not for them”. 2) I do not care if you caught your husband or wife sleeping with your best friend on your grandmothers embroidered linens that you got from her estate that she especially willed to you because you were her favorite out of all the grandchildren, this is no reason for you ever to put down your ex (or soon to be) in front of your children. My mother refused to talk about my father in front of me as a child, my dad however ran my mother down, guess whose side I was on? Don’t make your children defend their mother or their father, hell, it is your fault that they have them as a parent to begin with, not theirs. What you are truly saying in  their eyes is that the only reason that you are stuck talking to this monster is because of them. It is immature and you look like the asshole. 3) No matter what you both have a job to do and I know this is going to be hard to swallow, it has nothing to do with your happiness, your job is to be good parents to this little person that you chose to bring to the world, if that is not a valid reason to put down the guns, I cannot imagine what is. The Roses had one thing over you guys, their children were off on their own. If you have these kids, you have a common purpose, it is to be good parents, this does not mean you have to be good parents that reside in the same home. Period.

Divorce can be expensive, exhausting, and ego smashing, and that is just the surface, it can be heart breaking and failure gathering, it can make you think of doing things that just a few years ago you couldn’t imagine yourself doing, but the one thing (unless you are a Rose or a Peterson) it won’t do is kill you. You will live on, the sooner that you can look to the future the better, start living today, don’t wait until it is over, hell you never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Laugh a little, laugh at the fact that you failed at your marriage, you are not the first, you are not the last, but you did it, at least made the choice to marry the wrong one, or you can look at it the way I do, a learning experience, a good learning experience. Your children may not be thrilled at the fact that Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to sleep in the same bed, but sometimes you know what is best, and happiness is the only thing that we seek that separates us from the animals. You do not want to set the standard for your children that they stay in something that they are miserable in. Do you? If you answer yes to that, it is more than this “blog” that you need, like counseling. Which is the last thing I will say… Get some counseling, or at least have a weekly coffee with someone that has been through this, talk about it, a lot, and then talk about it some more. You will find that once you start talking, you start to feel better.

My Heart is With You on Your Journey,

Lizzy

I must apologize to my readers; I have been so tied up in my life that writing has not come easily for me. I am so rich in gifts that they seem to be keeping me swamped with planning, doing, and moving on to the next great passage that something had to give, and for me it was lets coffee talk. Well, I am back, better than ever, with a completely abundant outlook on this world.

This is a tribute to just how wealthy I have been over the last few months and how much more wealthy I get to be for the few months to come. A lot of the time I use a checklist of categories to figure out just what I need to work on, but as I go down my self made list there are no short comings, no needs for focus, and I find myself renovating nothing. A first for me.

Friends- Over the last few years I had to prioritize my relationships from quantity to quality, this is somewhat of a painful process, but in the end stages I have been blessed to have kept the ones who love me back, enrich my life, and make me a better person. My friends are amazing these days, our conversations are stimulating, our loyalty is a two way street, and I could not be more blessed by those who I have made my family of no obligation. I must give my friend Maureen a lot of credit, she has persistently set up a “Calamari Thursday Night”, a bunch of friends get together, have wine, and eat calamari. I have enjoyed this more than anything; it is a great way to get together for seemingly no reason to enjoy the company of great conversation. I believe that everyone should make the excuse to go be surrounded by dear friends. Thank you to Maureen, a blessing in my life.

Family- My family and I are very close, my mom, my sisters, my nieces, my Aunt Kate and my two dads are the pieces of my puzzle that hold me together. I am so grateful to have them in my day to day life. Unfortunately just because you are blood related does not mean that you should be disrespected in any way. I had to make a hard choice to not be in a relationship with one of my sisters this year, she was hurtful and toxic, and by allowing myself to release her after so many years of trying to get her to love me some how, some way, I found myself relieved. See, if someone cannot love you the way you need to be loved it is counterproductive to try to force it. There are personality conflicts out there, and forgiving myself for not being able to be in the abusive relationship, whether it be sisters, or lovers, or even colleagues, was freeing in a way. It took so much of the pressure off of both of us. I had made it my “New Years Resolution” for the last three years to try to get closer, be more tolerant, and show more love to a person that did not welcome any of it. I walked away, some may call me a quitter, but I believe that if you keep fighting a battle that you can never win, you are just plain stupid. There is a reason that I am not trying out for the NBA, they don’t want me, and neither did she. You have to know when to hold them, and more importantly, know when to fold them. I encourage everyone to know when to fold them, do it, and forgive yourself for any failure you might feel. Just because someone shares DNA with you does not mean they share your heart. It has made me more thankful than ever for the family that has been there through thick and thin, and made me be more supportive to them.

Work- Okay, work has always been a tough subject for me, always slightly unsatisfied, longing to be more successful, more driven, more, more, more. I took a little hobby job at a little boutique back in November. I have never been happier with a decision in my life. The group that I work with come in all shapes and sizes, young and old, rich and poor, but the one thing that they all share is heart. I love these new friends, and I love being with them, they are always kind, always giving, always positive, and are all women in the first right. I am grateful to be a part of them.

Love Life- There is not any words in the English Language to describe this department. I have tried to write about Jason for so long and I always feel like I let us down when I try to portray what we have found, a treasure above treasures. For me, this is the holy grail.
As I plan to walk down the aisle to the man that I have chosen for my life, offer my mind, body, soul, hopes, dreams, ugliness, idiosyncrasies, and take my last journey alone. What a momentous stroll toward something new, or old in some cases. Jason and I have been together for near three years now, although it seems like time has stood still, like there has not been any years at all, isn’t that what it is about? We get up the same every morning although each morning seems like a brilliant new day. We have many routines, I guess we just fit together, there are few annoying parts of the puzzle, so few in fact that I don’t even notice them when they happen, I just laugh as if they were there for my own amusement. He laughs with me. I can only appreciate that he finds the same things funny. Is it strange that I feel like I have known him for years, a lifetime really. I always thought that the mistake I made was thinking that when you married someone; you became one, I thought that instead you were supposed to live at “hopefully” the same pace, grow on your own, together. Jason proves me wrong. You do become one, together.

So here we are, together, blooming, not as a single flower, as a bouquet. It is strange to see a face that looks at you like you like you always dreamed of being looked at, to look at someone without any ego in your eyes, no jealousy, no resistance, no fear, no hesitation, and no pain. There is no words to describe him, no words to describe how I feel, and no words to describe how blessed I am to have him. No words at all.

My Self- Last but not least. My last few months have been like a dream. For me, travel is a way for me to get to know myself better, with each trip, I see something about myself in others, and identify if I like it or not. February it was Mexico, Jason and I took a “five dayer” to lie together somewhere besides in our home, it was wonderful and relaxing. The in March we zapped down to Florida to see Jason’s parents, a trip that meant a lot, as you may have figured out, I am marrying more family, and it felt good to be able to see them as my future mother and father in law. Now April arrives, Spain with my sister Janice, a trip we have dreamt of taking for years, and now it is my next anticipation. Then in June, ten days in the Bahamas to become a Mrs. instead of a Misses. In every un-highlighted area are the real good parts, this is the life I always wanted. Friends, Family, a Love that is real, a work that isn’t consuming, and no want, no need, and when I look at it from an aerial view it seems too good to be true, but it is, and it is mine, and today is my day.

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

Recently I have run into a few women that I have noticed a trend with. It has been startling to see how many of us out there NEED to be accepted by their parents. The problem with that sentence is NEED. It is natural to WANT people to “like” you, or accept what you are doing in your life.

Two of the women that I have talked to in the last week were facing the challenge of telling their mothers that they are with child. These ladies (who are in their thirties mind you) were so worried that they were losing sleep; I mean seriously, this was a “red zone case” as Caesar Milan would say. I will ignore for now what a waste of time worrying is and just talk about releasing the need for others approval.

Our parents have us, raise us, and release us into the world, all the while being proud and disappointed. Basically, by the time a parent has “done their time” they are used to both disappointment in themselves and in us as well as a sense of pride in themselves and their children. It is no question that there are no perfect parents or children in the world. As we take flight (on OUR OWN journey) we stay linked to these imperfect humans forever.

The challenge is to release into flight with only love strings attached. These are the people that love you as their child, but also love you as the only human being that they have influence in making. These are also the people that you have to thank or blame for who you are. Too many times we spend our lives trying to live up to the vision that our parents have for us, and find out too late that it is not our own vision, leaving us feeling resentful and lost. Keep in mind, when parents show disappointment sometimes, they are really showing their “ego”, they want to blame anyone but themselves for the act you are doing. After 18 years old, it is not them, it is you making choices, but sometimes they are unable to cut the apron strings.

Once you are off the books at home it is important to realize that this is our journey. It is also important to teach our children that acceptance is not a need, but a want, and if all else fails, disappointing another is much less important than disappointing ourselves.

I have a relationship with my parents, I call it friendship.

That being said; let us do our best to accept our parents for who they are, accept ourselves for whom we are, and require nothing from anyone but ourselves. If your parents don’t “like” you, IT IS OKAY, there is only a problem if YOU don’t like YOU. The only thing that I can say is lead by positive example. If you don’t like what they are, it is okay. You can still love someone without feeling admiration for who they are in their core. Someone can love you without agreeing with you.

I think that a lot of times we seem to place on others the unsure feelings we have within our own psyche, take ownership of those. If you find yourself blaming your unhappiness on someone like your parents, maybe it is you that is having a problem with the situation that you are in, therefore you need to change, not them.

Parents accept your children, at any age, disappointments and all, and maybe just maybe one day they will learn to accept your failures.

Which brings me to forgiveness…. There is not one person that I have ever talked to that has had a perfect childhood, close, but not perfect. We are all simply dysfunctional; the last perfect person that was on this earth, imperfect people hung on a cross, so it is not a bad thing that we are working from an angle of flaws. Since “those in glass houses should not throw stones” I encourage everyone to try to forgive our parents for the disappointments that they have created for us, learn from them what not to do, and be thankful that they taught you the lesson. It is the anger that is held for so long that handicaps our forward movement.

Lastly, forgive yourself for your imperfections, failures, disappointments, and down right wrong doings. It is you that is in this moment, and if you are better that you were yesterday, you are being a positive member of humanity. The three biggest wastes of time in life are guilt, worry, and anger, so quit wasting your precious time. Someone once told me that if you try to drive forward in your car, but are always looking in the rear view mirror, you are bound to hit something. Let us stop living in the past, let us forgive those who have screwed us over, and let us be better than we were yesterday, kinder, more loving, more forgiving, and more accepting.

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

My friend Pete and I were IMing (communication is so weird these days) yesterday and we brought up the subject of what makes someone a better friend than others? Our criterion was completely different. I have decided to ask my friends what you believe makes a “friend” a “friend”. Who knows better than the people I consider my friends?

Janice and I were then talking about the same thing last night, we thought this would be a perfect subject for Lets Coffee Talk.

Could you please tell me the 5 attributes that you look for in a “friend” and why, this will give me some data to help others become a better friend to everyone else. It will also allow me to become better.

What do you consider the top FIVE qualities of a “GOOD” friend and WHY?  

This has been a difficult post for me, not only have I taken time out to sort out my own impulses but I have talked to several other people for their opinions of this story. From my own frame of mind, there are several issues that the story hits on in which I question “is this really good?” Yet, I do realize that the post is really about giving and Christmas rather than charity. Therefore, I am going to skip over the multi-layer complexities of charity; forgetting all conversations and impulses that I might have had; and simply express what I think gifting is all about.
A gift towards someone is recognition of the person and an expression of how you feel towards them. In other words-“this is how well I know you and this is how I feel about you.” A symbolic presentation of what you think of the relationship, which the true currency is effort. Money, status, presentation and time are all but extended and distracting values, it is the thought that counts, which when acted on produces effort. That is why I always move away from things that are too material, (jewelry, electronics, and such.) towards things that are more symbolic and says I know you. I gave a globe to my girlfriend for her birthday, I gave her the world. I have given joke presents that have made my family laugh, (never exploiting the receiver of the gift. Unfortunately, I have seen a gift that makes the receiver a butt of a joke; that is so tactless.) I have given gifts that people needed but knew they would never get around to getting. I have given labor and I have given love, a gift is nothing more than a symbol of that.

Peter

A wonderful Christmas story. Regardless of your faith, you have to feel good about our capacity for compassion. After reading her initial email, I couldn’t help but feel compelled to give, as did the woman in the store. When I heard about this story and the immediate help offered by those around her I was once again reminded that our world is a place of abundance, not scarcity.

When I feel that the world is a place of scarcity, I feel sad, isolated and malaise. I take for granted all the beautiful things this world serves up on a platter for me every day.

When I feel the world is a place of abundance, even life’s biggest challenges feel like gifts in ugly disguises.

By sharing what can only be called a sad situation with her friend, she probably didn’t know it at the time, but she was actually giving something. She may not have been in the ideal position to give her children the christmas she wanted, but she gave her friend the opportunity to help, and gave us all the opportunity to learn a lesson.

Thanks for the lesson and Merry Christmas

Respect & Love,

J

I recently received a forwarded email about a woman that of late rediscovered what Christmas is really about, for the last few years she has hustled and bustled just like everyone else trying to get the exact amount of gifts for all her children, made sure it was enough to impress them on Christmas morning, all the while praying that it would be adequate to satisfy her beautiful children the morning of Christmas Day.

Reading this email brought me to tears, I know this woman as a friend of my sister’s who for all encounters has been nothing but kind, even in demeanor. To hear the pain in her words was immense; she had found an opportunity to examine herself and with the results was very disappointed. Instead of calling for excuses or blames she decided to share her failure as a Christian in hopes of not only changing her ways but allowing others to self analyze unselfishly through her own misguided and corrected journey. The story she told was of a family that was to have no Christmas. It still makes me feel somewhat choked up by her lack of ego, so I felt compelled to write on.

In telling this story we have seen the human heart open wider than ever expected, my sister was shopping for these little children on a very tight budget, while she was deciding between two shirts a stranger struck up a conversation, my sister ended up telling the story of this family and why she was having such a hard time picking the perfect gifts, the woman reached in her purse and offered her own gift to this foreign family. She never questioned once whether they deserved help or if she was the one that was obligated to take care of them. Just gave with an open heart. Sounds like Christmas to me!      

As you all know, I am not Christian, but I do believe that Jesus walked our earth, I do believe that he was a beautiful leader, I believe that he is someone we should all follow with our behaviors to our human race, therefore I believe in Christmas. I think we cannot receive the beauty of this earth until we give beauty to it and I know that love cannot be received, just given. In turn, we must give this Christmas, to strangers, to friends, to enemies, to the human race, just as Jesus called for.  

Giving does not necessarily mean that you have to get the latest Nintendo for your children, but give them the gift of knowing how to give to others, they will not be happy in their lives for the long term always having the best of the best, but they will be content in their lives if you teach them that it feels better to give than receive.

Have you ever heard that someone is buying you a gift for Christmas and rushed out to get them one? Come on, why are we giving? To receive? Please tell me “no”!

This begs the questions, what are we teaching our children about Christmas? What does Christmas mean to you? Why do you celebrate Christmas? How do you want your children’s children to view Christmas? Where is the love in Christmas?

If Christmas is just an exchange of goods on December 25^th for you, I am here to ask you, WHY?

If you walk around stressed about Christmas to come, maybe you are not giving for the right reason. I have erased the names on this email below, just to protect anyone’s feelings, please read it, for Christmas’s sake.

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

Last night as I rushed into church in a hurry and deposited my son in his class, I came upon a situation that cut straight to my heart. In my excitement to get to class I almost overlooked my friend who was sitting quietly in a chair with her face covered, trying not to cry. I suppose as I hurried past I didn’t really expect an answer when I politely threw out “Hey nice to see you. How’s it going?”.

I stopped dead in my tracks when she lifted her head and replied “Not good, Not good at all”. As I turned to look at her my selfish heart sank because I knew once again I wouldn’t be making it to the adult class. I now realize God had a much bigger lesson he wanted to teach me.

My friend told me the past year has been a rough one (join the crowd right?) She left her abusive husband of 16 years because she was afraid her kids were starting to receive the heavy side of her husband’s hand. She has lived off and on with several friends the past year and her current situation is not the best (I’m leaving out details on purpose). Her soon to be ex-husband has gotten into Meth so she has had to go to court to stop his visitation rights. Her current significant other just got laid off from his job and because of the timing will not receive a check for unemployment until after Christmas. My friend actually said she wondered if she had hurt her kids more by leaving their abusive father.

This year there will be no presents for her son and daughter. She said she had faced tough times before. There had been years when Christmas was slim but this year Christmas just wasn’t going to be. It really hit her when she came into church and saw all the decorations and the angel tree. She really felt like her actions had ruined Christmas for her kids. She’s afraid of all the things her kids have endured their life long memory is going to be the year they didn’t have a father for Christmas and any presents.

I of course mentioned the angel tree program, the salvation army, and other charitable organizations. She said she was too late. There are deadlines for those places and she realized too late that there would be no money for presents. Her boyfriend had promised her his last check before Christmas would be for Christmas shopping. There is no check coming and she has not bought anything. I assured her we could find an answer and hustled off to class.

It wasn’t until I got home that the weight of what my friend told me really hit. Last night the boys and I dug out our favorite ornaments and hung them on the tree. We talked about all the programs, parties, and Christmas to come for us. We wrote letters to Santa and decided what to buy my husband for Christmas.

Hours later my husband and I set checking our lists for presents bought and presents yet to buy. All the time my friend and her little family were tugging at my heart. I had decided I would get her kids a few items and secretly give them to her.  As I looked at the list of things we were getting the boys I felt a huge lump growing in my stomach. Here I was worrying if the dozen or so presents we bought the kids would be enough and my friend had nothing to count. I thought about all the Christmases when I panicked at the last minute and run from store to store buying whatever just so the kids would think they had a good Christmas. What had Christmas turned into for my family? Did the number of gifts really matter?  Was finding and giving the perfect gift the ultimate pleasure for me? Was I ruining Christmas for my kids by focusing on the wrong thing?

I hardly slept last night. My friend’s words kept coming back to me. “I was too late”.  Am I too late as well? My son has a friend he’s been asking to invite to church. I keep telling him we will when we’re less busy. What if I’m busy until Christ comes? What if I get to heaven and I stand before God and have to hang my head and say “Not good, not good at all” because I didn’t take the time to bring 1 more person to know His Saving Grace.

For the past 18 hours or so I’ve been wrestling with what to do about my friend’s family and my own. I still plan on helping my friend get some gifts for her kids. (Anyone else who wants to contribute please let me know.) As for my family we are going to have a long discussion this evening about how much God has done for us and what gifts we can give back to him this year. I wish I could go back a few years and stick to my parents tradition of 3 gifts. I hope it’s not too late for me to change Christmas for my family - as well as give a little love to my friend and her family.

As the pace quickens the next few weeks and we rush from function to function I hope we can keep the focus on God’s precious gift of eternal salvation that came down to us in the form of a baby.  

Lately I guess I have been noticing Negativity a lot more than ever. About a year ago I had read The Power of Now and The Secret, and although the concept was great, I didn’t really start living it until about 6 months ago. Jason is really easy to live with under this way of thinking because he normally has a very positive outlook on his universe and therefore projects it; I have become that way too. Optimistic to annoyance maybe, but I have found that my life is more abundant now than ever, and the facts are just that, facts.

It has been a real challenge for me to not become negative about Negativity though, when I hear it sometimes I have a tendency to get frustrated, when really, I should just think back to a time not so long ago when my glass was half empty. I know I can change my perspective on that too, it just takes a different angle of looking at it.

Money

Have you ever met someone that works so hard but never has a pot to piss in?

I have, I know a lot of these people, their work ethic is second to none, yet they are constantly complaining about their financial condition. They worry about the moneys of tomorrow even if they have enough money for today. They, by worrying, don’t enjoy the fruits of today, nor tomorrow, they are unhappy, and ungrateful, and therefore they never have security not for even one day. The Secret implies that if you say in your mind “I am worried about not having enough money” the “universe” hears that and cannot differentiate that statement from a request, and therefore gives you “not enough” money.

The key is to be grateful today, and have faith in your tomorrows if they even come.

This does not mean, stop planning for your retirement, or saving for that special goal that you have, it just means have faith that the “universe” or “god” or even “yourself” will provide you with the means to be fruitful for all days.

I have often said in the past that I hate “money”, in fact, I do not hate money, I hate the abusive relationships that people have with their and others money.

“I have and will continue to have Abundance, Thank you”

Relationships

This is a BIG ONE, there are so many people searching for love, upset about love loss, scared of never obtaining love, or even scared of losing the love they have today.

Part of these books that I read a year ago, talked about living in this moment, in this day, but I have found that most people who are not happy with the relationship status that they are in, i.e. single, married, separated, or whatever, are simply living either in the past, or in the future, and some of the real “sad” cases bounce back and forth between, but never EVER stay in the present.

Lets take Single for instance, because a lot of people think this is the worst thing to ever happen to someone, which by far is untrue. So many times these “Singles” bounce between the loves they once had and lost and the loves the may never find in the future, therefore never living for today. When I was single not too long ago, (way before I got this concept) I remember people asking me “Why are you single?” “Why aren’t you married?” “Are you looking for a boyfriend?” the concept that I was perfectly happy was far beyond any notion that they could accept. I was happy, I truly was, and I remember feeling like a bit of a “freak” because I was not nearly as upset at they thought I should be, I wasn’t upset at all.

Maybe because I had a relationship based on love and respect with myself (the first healthy relationship I had ever had, by the way), but I did not long for loves past or loves future, I had love.

Love eventually came to me, and when it did I was calm, and ready to let it sit beside me, I was not too eager, it came in a healthy way. You know with courting, and laughing, and eventually loving and respecting, and then lastly trusting.

I feel the same now as I did when I was single, I just have someone there with me, enjoying some moments.

I won’t drag on too much about marriage and separation. But I do know this if you live in the past or the future when you are in these moments the marriage or separation will with all certainty fail completely. If you need me to talk more to this topic, please feel free to coffee-talk with me about it. I have lived in the past of the marriage, and the future of the marriage and it failed miserably. I have live in the past in separation, and the future in separation, also failed.

Love is not something someone gives you, it is something that you give.

Happiness

I sat at the table a few days ago with a friend, and although the lunch we were having was great I remember my friend looking to another table and commenting on how happy they were, my friend eluded to the fact that they longed for happiness like that. My ego went unhurt, but I thought to myself that happiness is nothing other than being grateful for what is at your table, what blessings you have, and if you continuously look at those blessings, you are bound to be happy.

The key to happiness overall is being thankful or grateful for what the “universe” or your “God” or you “yourself” has given you.

If you are constantly looking at the grass on the other side, you never ever notice how beautiful your own lawn is.

Health

Health is one of the most talked about feelings on earth. How are you feeling?

I have met perfectly healthy people that always complain about their health. Therefore they always feel crappy.

I have met perfectly sick people that never complain about their health. Therefore they always feel great.

The mind is a beautiful powerful tool, I suggest we use it. I suggest we utilize it in everything that we are.

Perspectives

Your Perspective is your only truth. I am thankful for those perspectives in this world that I see as optimistic and healthy, I pray you do too….

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

Loss of Control

Everyone asks me after they meet my mother, what was it like to grow up with her?

Well, I could tell example after example of funny situations and different ways that she handled things. She was not like most mothers, although all the same things did happen, we were fed, educated, bathed, and loved, but I look back and my mother didn’t treat us like children, she treated us like human beings, and expected us to act accordingly.

As a matter of fact, when we would start to act like idiots she would simple say, “Go to your room until you can act like a human being”.

I would go to my room, puzzled, and I would sit and think about how a human acts? Obviously, according to my mother, a human apparently doesn’t punch her sister in the face, or throw a fit, or what ever I was doing to land myself in this position. With that simple question she slowly taught me the behaviors that were acceptable in the outside world.

The one thing that I don’t remember about my childhood is my mother ever losing her composer, she never yelled, never flew off the handle, and never showed any weakness. That doesn’t mean that we never got “spanked”, she handled that more like a covert operation, you never knew when that was coming, BOOM, you were checked.

The funny thing was, when we did get spanked, she turned and went on with her day, as if nothing had ever happened, not bothered in the least. Now that I am older and we are friends, she tells me that it killed her to discipline us, but back then we never knew it, we thought perhaps she may even like it.

I hear a lot that these parents are “stressed”. I do understand that parents today, more than ever, have stresses that go beyond money, schedules, marital, and emotional problems, but let me ask, what does that have to do with your choice to bring this human to earth?

My thought here is that these parents that I sometimes see screaming at their children, losing all control, threatening, and showing the kid that they cannot control themselves must feel constant failure. A five year old or even sixteen year old can make you lose control? Where does that put the power?

How are we letting these children raise us?

Why do adult humans let young humans have the reigns?

As parents, don’t you have the responsibility of controlling the situation, or even yourselves?

Thanks Mom, for never making me feel like I was driving the bus…

These Little humans should never feel like Big humans shouldn’t have their crap together, because when they become Big humans they will feel like it is okay to not take responsibility for the bus.

Lizzy

I need to ask everyone a question. Have you ever gotten into the routine of watching t.v. and eating?  Come home, sit down, eat, zone out… 

Too many of us have does this.  Long gone are the days of sitting at the dinner table everynight with no t.v. or any other electronic distraction.

Some have always watched tv through their meals, and some have accidentally gotten into the routine by one night turning into two then three then….

I have a challenge for all of you.  Especially those with children.  Make dinner a priority. 

I, actually we, have decided to make our dinner time the most important time of the day.  And the more time it takes, the better!  Long gone are the days of Fast Food. 
I am including my whole family in cooking.  My children jump in with amazing excitement.  They love helping.  Usually we make the sides while my husband cooks the meat on the grill.  Then, even though we are home, we set the table with more attention then the most fancy of restaurants.  The more details, the more pride my children have for the meal.  Next we start a pot of coffee and bring the food to the table.  With NO T.V.! 

And here’s the kicker, We Talk To Each other.  I know an amazing concept, right?

We take our time eating, and cleaning up our dishes together, never rushing the meal, then we all get a cup of coffee and visit some more!!! (even the kids get coffee, but the younger the child, the more milk added).

Then we have our children get ready for bed as my husband and I have another cup of coffee. Visiting about our day.  Showing our children that we are important to eachother.  Then we tuck our kids in bed and visit some more.

We are getting to know each other and our children all over again.

I am now posing a challenge to everyone, children or no children, to slow down, get out your best dishes, and have dinner together.  Visit with eachother.  Don’t look at your clock and take your time.

You never know, you might create your very own New/Old tradition!

And Please all of you, do this for yourself and your family, and comment to this.  Let me know how it works for you.- Kate

Kate,

You have an excellent point here, I remember sitting together as a family, getting to know one another, respecting the honor of family and friendship together, even respecting my mothers table as its own entity, it brought everything into perspective as you looked into the faces of what was truly important and faced the ferustrations of one another head on (it is not always easy to share your existance with another). I think it allows you to live so much more for the moment, especially when you make that key choice to stretch out the “good” moments. That is what we are here to do, bathe in our blessings.

For the singles out there this is as vital if not more, make the choice to bask in a dinner with a friend or family member when you get the chance, and more importantly, make those chances happen.

Thank you Katie, for reminding us to STRETCH OUT THE GOOD MOMENTS….

My heart is with you on your journey,

 Lizzy

There has been a lot written about raising emotionally intelligent children, I have read some and applied it with my own kids.  But basically the gist of it is “if we understand the layers of why we feel something we can find a solution and will not react to our emotions but act on them.”  So the first step is just beginning to understand what it is we feel.  I usually will go on about Zen meditation at this point but I will spare you.  This is what we need to start teaching our kids.  We do not need to take them to therapy; after all, they do not share half of the range of emotions adults do until they hit puberty.  But we do need to teach them to identify how their behavior is connected to their emotions (“wanting” is a behavior).  Because we are “mature adults” we understand this more than the child and we sort of have to work backwards with it. 

Here an example that illustrates it.  This is what I call “the bigger pancake.”  Which I also stole from another book and goes like this: Oldest child gets a big pancake and Youngest child is upset.  Youngest child behaves poorly by whining, complaining, yelling, etc but starts demanding for a bigger pancake.  A typical parent will try a half of dozen things to stop and pacify Youngest child that goes nowhere and takes away more energy from everyone.  A wise parent uses it to teach the child by simply asking “do you want another pancake?  Because if you are hungry and need more I will make more for you.”  The child is now place in a position where they have to connect their behavior (demanding a bigger pancake) with their feeling (I want to feel just as important as Oldest Child) and suddenly they realize that the two do not correlate. A bigger pancake is more food to eat, while parent’s willingness to give attention and make them feel important is being satisfied.

Wishing you good mental health
Dr. Fraser Crane
-Peter

Maybe America is what happens when the cookie is never enough.

Interesting, how Pete talks about how we start at the earliest of ages, learning that if we are not feeling good, something external will fix it.

A treat
a toy
a cookie
designer jeans
a car
a big house
a beer
a case of beer
a bigger house
invade a country?

This paradigm of finding something in the outside world to make us right in our inside world can be argued to be the source of many problems we face, obesity, addiction, annoying devotion to a particular sports team, a loud coffee can exhaust, low self esteem and all it’s wonderful side effects . . . .

I don’t know about how to teach a crying child who wants a cookie how to have the existential “ah haa” moment realizing that the cookie isn’t really going to result in true happiness, but it sure is an interesting question. Most chubby little babies look like buddha, perhaps they can find inner peace and well being and actually be buddhas.

Are we creating a society of increasingly externally gratified persons who will just keep searching and searching the world for happiness when all they really need to do is search within?

Respect & Love,

Jammy

“Hi my name is Pete and I have addictions.”

I am a smoker, coffee and alcohol drinker. Out of all of them smoking is defiantly the addiction. How did I get this way? Like all Americans I was taught two things from our culture; one, immediate reward compared to long term is easier and acceptable. Two, if you don’t like the way to feel, consume something to make you feel different. Of the two, I think the latter is more pervasive and subtle in our society, so I am going to delve into that and save the first for another day.

My ex-wife laughed one day because she overheard me talking to our infant son. He had been crying and as I gave him a bottle I said, “here, at least this will make you feel different.” Okay, I had read it somewhere in a book and applied it to my baby. But that is what we do here in our culture, we find ways to avoid unpleasantness by basically changing the subject. We assume that it will make us feel better or even happy but really all we do is assert another sense to make us feel different. I feel rejected and hurt; so I eat some ice cream now I feel full. I feel like a failure in my marriage; so I have sex with someone at a bar now I feel desirable. I feel like a looser; so I do a line of coke and now I feel like a winner. Think about why some people buy excessive shoes, outfits, boats, etc. This all stems from when we were little and we were asked, “Do you want a cookie? It will make you feel better.” It does not make us feel better, because it has not solved what is making us feel bad. If this is the only defense mechanism we know as adults what else can we possible teach our children?

Unfortunately Liz you plea will not produce the effect that you desire. Instead of waking them up, they will feel guilty and ashamed. Those feelings are very unpleasant and they have only one defense mechanism to cope…-Pete

Today when I walked into Starbucks I saw what I might find most offensive in Parenting…..

Why is it that overweight parents don’t mind killing their children? 

I walked into Starbucks today on my way to the grocery store (always better to have coffee with you at the grocery, curbs your hunger), I saw a woman that was probably 250 pounds, and I need not discribe her height, because unless she was 8 foot tall (which she wasn’t) at any normal height she is grossly over weight. This was not anything that offended me, I learned to ignore obesity a long time ago, sure it is the powerful ship that is sinking our nation, I just choose daily not to be on the ship. I simply feel sorry when I see someone that won’t stop eating. I have stopped giving random advise, even when asked, portion control, exercise, blah, blah, blah, everyone knows what cures this killer, but still it never stops.

Behind this oversized woman was a little boy about my niece Alex’s age. You could tell that he was a well behaved child, based on his general demeanor. She had already made her selections when I stepped up to order my Tall Latte, when I did move up to the counter a parade of pastries past by my nose, the clerk handing them to the mother. The pastries were oversized just like every other portion ordered in America today. So between ordering and picking up my prized Latte, I went to the washroom as I often do to not waste any time.

By the time I got back, this little boy had consumed the better part of the “way too big” pastry. When I looked at them, they were not talking, just eating, and a feeling of sadness came over me.

Here she has this darling little boy or what should be a little boy, truth be told he had me by I am sure ten pounds, and he now has a weight problem. Why?

My judgement is of ignorance. Can someone help me understand why these mothers who are overweight themselves cast the same hell upon the child?

A mothers love is stonger than any love, but we see these children killed by the one who is supposed to love them more than anyone else. Does sugar equal love? With all the information at our fingertips; how can these children get left behind, and if the mother will not fight for them, who will?

According to  Alvin Poussaint, M.D. 20% of our children in this country are obese.

If 20% of our children had lets say Polio we’d be freaking out. Why are we not freaking out now? Obesity leads to diabetes…..  Which can lead to heart disease, high blood pressure, kidney disease, stroke, limb amputations, and blindness. Okay, this is freaking me out….. The only thing that I can say to everyone is “HELP”!

What are we blaming right now?

1- Video Games

2- Fast Food

3- T.V.

Those are the major ones, but I am going to step up and say unless one of you guys can convince me differently, this is the parents fault. 100%.

20% of our children are struggling, and that means 20% of our parents just don’t care, and if they say they do care, they don’t care enough.

Here is my advise-

1- STOP SUGAR

Both the parents and the children… Only special occasions (you might want to give your child the gift of not expecting special occasions all the time, this will be a lot easier when they grow up and special occasions rarely happen anyway, that means once a week. That is it.

2- Stop Fast Food

It is so crappy for you both, just stop eating it. Once a month maybe treat yourselves, if ever!  It will literally kill you and kill your kid, watch the movie “Super Size Me”. If you can eat Fast Food after that, maybe you need counsiling for the addiction.

3- Get Moving

In the morning, before you lose your will to let your child live (a healthy long life that is), go on a walk, dance for twenty minutes, hoola hoop for twenty minutes, DO SOMETHING. Do something in the morning to remind yourself all day long that you are resposible for that person you brought into this world. The world can be somewhat crappy sometimes, why make it harder than it already is?

4- Watch the show “Honey We’re Killing the Kids” 

Watch it with your child. Make them a part of your new healthy life. The truth is you are killing your child both in body and spirit.

I have noticed if the parent is overweight the child is likely to be too. Now I have no idea if parents just don’t get that if it isn’t working for themselves it probably won’t work for the child either, or if they don’t think that it is wrong to put the kid through the same thing they go through. The health hazards alone would be worth stopping for, but that isn’t the worst of it, they either get teased to DEATH at school, they become a bully so they don’t get teased, or they make fun of themselves all day so no one has the chance to rip them apart. NONE of these are healthy mindsets to be in. You are setting them up for major failure as an adult.

If they get teased all day, they will have to prove themselves for years after school to become balanced. Not to mention how “fat” people are treated as an adult, even in the workplace. I am not saying that it is fair, I am saying that is how it is.

If they are a Bully, that crap doesn’t work in the real world, so they won’t know how to solve anything when they get out into it. Problem solving is not beating up or threatening someone in the real world. We have all had that boss, the one that doesn’t last long, remember him/her? I do, he was always kindly referred to as the “asshole”.

If they make fun of themselves all the time, the most powerful person they have influencing them is themselves, they start to believe the things they say…. If all they are doing is putting themselves down they will be down. Down is no where to start in the real world. Down may be where you are, please for your childs sake, get back up, fight, if for no one else, your child.

PLEASE STOP PARENTS… YOUR CHILDREN ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS!!!!!

HELP!

Your opinions are GREATLY needed…. HELP me understand…..

Lizzy
 

I’d Rather Be “Rich” Than “Right”

This is my ALL time favorite saying. Harry Freidman said it in one of his “many” sales trainings which I was lucky enough to be enlightened by. This is such a valuable statement, yet most people don’t understand it, and certainly don’t live by it. This concept is very profitable in business, mainly because the EGO makes so many decisions in our workforce, the EGO makes us long to be “right” all the time. This concept accounts for all the “good” and bad decisions made in the workforce or at the very least 99% of them. For those “leaders” and “leadees” out in the market that “get” this concept have a strong tendency to succeed, and for those who do not, they usually fail, and are miserable in the process. This goes for personal life too, but for now we will keep it in business mode….  

Now, who hasn’t had a boss, or a direct report that needs to prove CONSTANTLY that they know more than you do? They are always “right” and you are always “wrong”, and even when it proves beyond a reasonable doubt that you were in fact “right”, they blame it on wrong information, or a “wrong” circumstance. Either way, “someone else was wrong”; with the wrong information they were given, they still made the “right” decision based on the “wrong” something or someone that they were fed.  

Who hasn’t had a customer say “the customer is always right”?

WE ALL KNOW THAT THE CUSTOMER IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, and here is how we ALL know it, WE ARE ALL CUSTOMERS, AND AT SOME POINT WE HAVE BEEN WRONG…. You do the math… Therefore we dig a little deeper into the statement….

The reason this statement worked so well in the service industry is it says to our Ego, “hey, come here, and I will give you your most prized possession… YOU WILL BE RIGHT 24/7… Never EVER wrong”. This was brilliant of who ever made this statement up, I seriously doubt it was created in the “broad”sense I am suggesting, but what better way to get people into your business, than to tell them that they are “perfection” if they only shop at YOUR store, they are basically a temporary “Christ Child”… For the thirty minutes that it takes to buy a car these days. SMART!

Let US learn from the used car salesmen that made this up…. If you let people be “right” instead of “human”, they will flock toward you. They will throw money at you. They will take anything you give them. They will be loyal to you…. Bosses and Clients together will be drawn to you, not because you are misleading or manipulating them, but they will respect your humility and it will create an environment for positive change and advancement.

Who hasn’t found themselves making a stink about something that is completely irrelevant to the successes of the business, or to the quality of the work environment?

The best example of this I can give is I was sitting with a few self-named “republicans” a few months ago, discussing politics and the “rights” and “wrongs” in our government  system. Thinking back now, anyone who has gone to the trouble and through the commitment of naming themselves a “party” most likely will not change their mind because of something that I say, especially when I am saying that they are wrong and I am right. I have not gone through the trouble of naming myself a democrat nor a republican, mostly because I am afraid that I will stop seeking thoughts of my own.   Secretly,  I feel this is what  happens to most of these “party joiners”. Furthermore, I feel like it is the easy way out ; a chance to not have to contemplate.  I almost consider it a sorority or fraternity of some sort. All of that aside, I felt this overwhelming need to tell them that they were wrong, and dissect what their thought process problem was. In the end, they ended up hating me. As a matter of fact, I ruined a relationship, not only for myself, but for someone I love. The truth is, I was right about everything I said, and still believe that they were wrong about everything that they said but, instead of letting life teach them a lesson, in the end life taught me a lesson - Don’t stand up and fight for something that is not my battle, and do not try to change minds, minds can’t be changed, they only change themselves. Their minds were changed alright, just not about tax cuts and religious rights, but about me.

Lesson? Do not try to change minds, they only change themselves

This in the business world would be a great example of when you get a new boss, and he/she thinks that she has a MONUMENTAL new way of doing something, and you after working there for however long you have, know FOR SURE it won’t work, no way, no how….. Sometimes the lesson is not yours to learn, it is time for life to teach your new boss- don’t be afraid to let life humble someone for a change. Same with your employees, they are sure it will work, they know they are right; if it doesn’t hurt your bottom line, let life teach them a lesson. Same with a customer or client, if you have understood where they are coming from, told them your concerns, let them fly, they will respect you, and come back to you.  

In business there is a technique to use empathy, use statements like
“I understand”

“I appreciate”

“I recognize”

“I value”

This is a way to tell the customer, boss, or employee that you “get” what they are saying, you know where they are coming from, on to the next…..

Then you are to say “My concern is….” this is a good way to acknowledge that there is an issue and transition to your “issue”. Never saying words like “but, except, excluding, bar, however, although, nevertheless, apart from”, which then discounts your acceptance of their “issue”.  Acceptance is a fancier word for being “right”.

This is a GREAT way to communicate with people that you are trying to make positive results with. Especially with the Boss that signs your paycheck, does it truly matter to you if you are “right” and he is “wrong”? (Unless there is an integrity issue, different story)

Does it matter if you know everything, and he/she knows nothing? No, he/she still signs you paycheck, and in the end, he will advance the person that makes his/her EGO feel better, it is just natural.

Perfect example… You are a teenager, your friends are all telling you that you are “right”, and your mother is telling you that you are “wrong”… Who do you want to hang with?  

Take it into personal life, same thing… Have you ever had a fight with a boyfriend or girlfriend that ends up out of hand because they JUST REFUSE to acknowledge that YOU WERE RIGHT and they WERE WRONG?

How can they not see this? How can they be so stupid?

Step back, you probably are “right” but rather than them be “wrong”, they will fight you to the death.

Boyfriend isn’t paying enough attention to you, you deserve more than this, rather than saying “Hey, I would like to see you a few more times this week if possible” you say “You are a bad boyfriend, you never spend time with me (i.e. you are wrong)” If he backs down now, he is admitting he was wrong, he doesn’t back down. Now he has to prove that he is right, instead of giving his energy to your needs. Non-Productive Conversation.

(NPC)

NPC- this is when you say a statement and rather than it moving a situation forward, it stays stagnant or reverses.

There are endless examples of NPC in the world today floating around…..

STOP NPC!

The Human Ego (or in this case we will call it brain, although I am sure by how strong the drive is, it has to do with the heart too) is constantly fighting to be “CORRECT”. This

Force is probably the strongest in our society today. There have been Wars started and carried on, just because someone cannot say that they were “wrong”, that is what we are dealing with. Families have broken apart, and businesses ripped to shreds, countries crumble, and hearts are broken everyday, all because there is something inside of us that cannot admit to being “not right”.

This is all very known…. books are written everyday about how to adjust our thinking this way.

Why not with all the knowledge of this “Plague” that damns our land do we NOT make the necessary steps to make it “work” for us? Why is it so hard to say…? “You’re right”

Taking this Personally…..

Have you ever been verbally attacked? You know, one of those where you know with 100% of your soul that you are not to blame….

First Reaction? Tell them EXACTLY how “wrong” they are….

Second Reaction? Tell them why you are so “right”…..

Third Reaction? Clean up the carnage…..

Now, when your core is attacked and you feel as though you are the only one that will stick up for you, ask yourself the question…. Would I rather be “rich” than “right”?

If you would rather be “right” than “rich” (meaning have them as a friend or family member) then let them have it, they are not of enough value anyway to you…..

I believe that under no circumstances are we able to change one another. We are only able to mold ourselves into what we want to be, which brings me to why argue and fight?, why prove to someone that you believe that they should change when they are the only one that can give that to themselves, yet our Ego steps up to the plate first?

Sometimes you have got to fire friends, fire bosses, fire customers, fire boyfriends and girlfriends, even fire family members, you do, they are toxic….. Sometimes the pain that they serve to you is unbearable, and YOU make that choice, it is not them. That is your “right”, and the only “right” you need, know that you are in charge of your own finality. You have the power, now all we need is the ability to know when to use it. Humility is the answer. Humility = Rich…..

I am very interested in your thoughts on this Subject; I believe it could make a huge difference in the world we live in. DON’T TELL ME I AM WRONG!!!

I fall in Love everyday.

The purpose of my life is to love. Love is a strange misused word I believe, sometimes we use it to say that we like some “thing”, occasionally we use it as in a sarcastic way of saying we “loath” something or an action of someone. Sometimes we even use it to, describe the way we have treated something or someone…..  And in some cases we make love, by giving ourselves to another in a sexual way.

Love, luv, vt (loving loved). To regard with affection, to like, to delight in. To be in love; to be tenderly attached. N. Warm affection; fond attatchment; the passion between sexes, the object beloved a word of endearment, Cupid, the god of love; the score of nothing at tennis, etc.

Out of all the definitions of love my favorite is the last, the score of nothing. I have thought a lot of love lately, I am completely in love with a man, you hear me talk of him sometimes, but the words don’t always come easily when describing him. Back to my definition, the score of nothing, now I realize we are talking about tennis, but I think tennis has something here, a lesson. When describing nothing by calling it “love”, what is love?

Love is no score, you need not keep score, and it is the lack of points. Keep with me here, I know I am rambling, but when you start measuring points in a relationship, someone starts to lose and someone starts to win. That’s when the love goes away. Which brings me to falling out of love, when the other gets points, you are on the defense, or when you get points you are now on the offense. Love is about not keeping score……

Now, I will go back to my love, over the last year and a half we have been together, we have done things for each other, neat things, and we are very excited to “take care” of each other….. We truly enjoy making each other happy…. Really trying to analyze why we are so different than other relationships I have been in, I realize that we are not keeping score, love. We are zero to zero, and we are enjoying our scoreless match.

If we never keep score, we are always in “love”…..

So bringing this into our daily lives……. When we stop keeping score of what we are doing for others, stop keeping score of what others are doing for us, stop scoring everything all together, we will be in love with the world, Right?

Here is an example, I have five sisters, from all walks of life, and at some point we have all been “broke” in one way or the other. Without hesitation we have all at one point or another made up for the others short comings. I have no idea how many shirts I have “borrowed” or how much money has been “given”, but I do know this, we have taken care of each other time and time again without keeping score, or tally, we truly love each other. Some have walked one path and others another, but there is no jealousy, no rivalry, and no competition. We are happy when one another succeeds and sad when we fail. We just love, and that is that.

Why can we not give that to the rest of the world?   

1)      Stop comparing your game to others

2)      Stop caring if someone compares their game to yours

3)      Appreciate someone who is better than you

4)      Help someone who hasn’t got the game you do

5)      Remember that we are all on the same side

6)      Score Love, by keeping no score

I fall in love Everyday, I am not keeping score with the world……..    

This reminds me of my daughters. I can not describe them as delicate creatures, but wonderful beings. Anyway, back to my story. A couple of months ago I hear a “thud” followed by a scream… 1st daughter had punched 2nd daughter square in the back. ( I still haven’t hear the truth about why) My response is to separate, check to make sure 2nd daughter is not horribly injured, and follow up with a punishment for 1st daughter… And here is the kicker. 2nd Daughter threw herself between 1st daughter and I determined that NOONE and I mean NOONE will hurt her sister, even if the spanking is a punishment for the brutal attack on her! Again. You can do anything to your sister/friend, but don’t let anyone else even look sideways at them.-Kate

This is a letter I sent to my sister……

Dear Katie,

Inspired by your Birthday tomorrow I sat down to think of the last twenty-nine years of knowing Kathryn Jill, or as I have always known you as “my baby sister”, I felt compelled to let you know just how important you have been in my everyday life.

I cannot remember the first eighteen months of my life even when I try very hard, my first memories of my existence you were part of me, and although it has been said that when you were brought into this world I wasn’t very happy about your arrival, I cannot recall those thoughts nor would I want to conceive ever thinking them. You have been a part of me since I was introduced to myself, and without you I have never known, and never will. You are me, and I am you, and that will always be; for I know nothing without you in me.

You were my first best friend, and a true best friend you have remained. Although, I have never completely rapped my mind around the concept, you taught me what I know today about sharing. As children and as adults, if you feel pain, I share your pain, as you take mine. We share secrets, successes, failures, and feelings, and in the end I know that it is you, my dearest friend, that I will, for my entire life, share my life as it has and always will be that way. 

You were my first enemy, and what a remarkable enemy you were. Through the injuries and screaming and bloodshed, it has been you that taught me to forgive, and you that humbled me first. When the wars ended and the battlefield was cleaned up, it was you that I always had on my side, and we have remained our fearless loyal soldiers standing beside each other. We have fought and won and always will fight to the death for each other. You taught me to be true.  I will remain your advocate as it has and always will be that way.

Although it seems that we have taken two different paths in life, we travel those paths together. I have never been lonely because you are always with me and I will always be with you. I have never known life without you.

Tears stream down my cheeks when I write to you because I cannot imagine myself without you. You continuously make me a better human being. I thank you for loving me all of your life, I would be lost without you, for I am not me with out you, “my baby sister”.  Happy Birthday

Forever,

 “SISSY”   

Hi Lizzy,
Bill told me about your site.
What do you think about working mothers? I think I work too much and make too little. Sometimes I think it would easier to not work and be a bum. That’s not going to happen. How do you suggest I balance work work work and having a house, a kid, a fishtank and I cat to keep up with?
 

Dear Beth,

Thank you for coffee talking with me! Balance is a thorn in everyone’s side, if you are winning one battle, you feel like you are losing another. Just like in war, if you fight one battle at a time, you have a better chance of winning. As with most parents you are constantly walking the line between providing financial stability and emotional stability.

Raising your child is your most important job, but that requires money, and as attractive as becoming a bum may look today, pushing a shopping cart down Main Street with a kid, a fish tank and a cat, just doesn’t paint the picture of what anyone wants for the future.

Divide your life into Categories

When you try to make everyone happy all the time, no one is happy, and everything seems to be “half assed”.

Even though you have a business that you are running, make yourself an employee, set times to be at work, and times to leave. Literally and Mentally “Clock Out”. This will allow you to give work 100% and your family 100%.

This is quality vs. quantity, the age old crisis, quality always wins.

You deserve quality, so does your child, and your company, if you spread the peanut butter too thin, it turns out to be a dry crappy sandwich. When you are at work, work hard, when you are at home, love hard.

Stop Keeping up with the Jones’s

Decide what is important to you, write it down on a piece of paper, and hang it on your fridge. This way you think about what you want and stop working for things you don’t want. In today’s society we have a tendency to “keep up”, therefore we lose sight of what is important to us, and our children. We were dirt poor when I was a child, and I can tell you now, I am thankful that my mom didn’t give me everything I thought I wanted. All my friends had the latest Nintendo, beautiful cloths, and money to do what ever they wanted, the only thing they didn’t have was a mom that loved them like crazy, and knew them as a human. These days we want to give our children every “thing”, when they truly don’t really need “things”, they need love, and a little food every once in a while.

Which brings me to sports, hobbies, and commitments, these kids have a busier social schedule than I did in my early twenties (which was outrageous, I could show you ATM receipts). It is important for them to be involved, but not in everything, let them pick one thing that they really do well, and help them perfect it. We wonder why this newest generation has no focus, but we put them in the position of being a jack of all extra curricular activities and master of none.

Again its quality vs. quantity, quality wins again.

Mothers Unite

There are others like you, in masses. When I was little, I remember a constant circle of “family” friends, one day we would go to a lady named Connie’s house the next we would be at my house, the next at my Aunt Katie’s. My mom formed some sort of mother coalition, so she and her girlfriends got together and helped one another. You are not weak if you ask for help, you are smart. The thing you are searching for is time, quality time. Find a group of mothers that are in similar situations as you are, and present a “Network”. This will allow you to gain some “quality time” for yourself, and give your child the experience to grow up with some other perspectives. There are all kinds of resources, the school, daycare, church, bar, or anywhere else there are humans that struggle with time, and that is everywhere. Have a “girlfriend” coffee talk or wine night, and present the idea of a Mothers Network, these women are struggling too.

Don’t Over Commit to Anything

“No thanks”, the two best words in the English language for freedom. We are not obligated to do anything, stop emotionally attaching yourself to “no”, it’s not a bad word, and it’s not offensive. The fact is, it’s a misconception that the world wants us to do everything, yet we crucify ourselves mentally for not being able to. Just STOP doing everything.

Failure

Stop the “guilt” and it will stop “stopping” you. Guilt is something of a mystery to me, we are the only species that feels it, and it has no positive repercussions on our actions. If you are being the best mother you can be, and the best worker you can be, and the best fish owner you can be, let yourself be.

Final and most important

You gave me several categories of your life, and balancing the kid, the work, the cat, and the fish, and like most women you forgot the most important category, YOU.

This is the best advice I can give you, and I truly believe the most productive, TAKE YOU BACK. Beth, take one hour a day to yourself, I don’t care if you have to get up at 5:00 in the morning to do it. It will be worth more to the quality of your life, than anything that you could do. Think about yourself, how you feel, what you are, and most of all think about the fact that you are the most important thing to take care of, your child, your work, your cat, and your fish all depend on you, and without you taking a little part of you back, none of these things get a quality of care.

Reward yourself with an hour a day, and that hour will reward every single other category in your life. Have a cup of coffee, and realize why the hell you are doing all this to begin with…

My heart is with you on your journey, and I commend you for being a strong woman. Thanks for the Coffee talk, I look forward to next time…. Lizzy    

Step into Action

Ask yourself- What do I want?

Write down three goals for every single room and three things you don’t want in every single room. Write them on a piece of paper, with a big marker, and tape them in a prominent place. This will be a Guideline to your success. For Instance;

Living Room

Goals

1)      Peaceful

2)      Relaxing

3)      Social

No

1)      Playroom

2)      Cafeteria

3)      Clutter

This will allow you to make UNEMOTIONAL DECISIONS…. When you put emotion into your things, you make poor choices that have no purpose. Look at this list every time you have a hard time getting rid of something, if it supports your goals for the room, keep it, if it doesn’t GET RID OF IT!

Home is where the heart is. That being said, what in your home is a suitable roommate for your heart?

1)      Bills- Who the hell keeps sending these things?

2)      Junk Mail- Key word “Junk”

3)      Keepsakes- You don’t need to “keep” them for God sakes

4)      Pictures- Picture this, no one cares to see most of your pictures

5)      Clothing- There is people out there that can’t find anything to wear- Cause there is nothing in their closet; What’s your problem?

6)      Toys- A.D.D.  …. By overload

This is a good place to start; these are a few things that people usually get overwhelmed with. Let’s start here, get this crap out of the way, and then move on. Start to LIVE….

There is a mindset change that will happen after you get these things under wraps. You are joining what I call the “Throw-Away Club”…. The “Throw away Club” simply means that you have taken your focus off of your things, and put the meaning back into your soul purpose, peace.

Bills-

I have noticed a direct reflection between someone’s Bills, and their clutter. When you are overwhelmed with your bills, you become overwhelmed with your entire life, you are emotionally stressed, and instead of taking it on like a challenge you stack them in a place, that you see everyday, and pretend that they are important. Paying your bills is important we all know that, but if you cannot pay them they seem to become peace suckers, and you have anxiety all the time….. I used to stack them on my desk (which I sat at everyday), not open them at all, and once I got so overwhelmed, I wouldn’t even pay the ones I could, it was just too much to deal with. I was putting emotion into every single envelope.

Solution

1)      Remove your name from the bills, act like they are not your bills, they are some other persons, someone you love, and you do not judge. (By removing judgment of yourself, you remove emotion)

2)      Take a yellow legal pad and write 4 different Categories on top of 4 different pages. Example; Household, Medical, Credit, and Miscellaneous (This will typically feel scary, you are about to find out where you are “bill wise”, don’t stop, the goal is to get these down on this piece of paper, stop judging yourself, remember, these are not your bills, they are someone else’s)  

3)      Open every bill and throw away the envelope they sent it to you in, write it down in the category it belongs in on the legal pad, the amount and when it “was or is” due. (This is the worst step, keep remembering these “are not your bills right now”)

4)      Rip the statement from the rest of the bill, place it in the envelope that the bill collector provides for you, and write the amount on the envelope. Make four piles (same categories as before, household, medical, credit, and misc); place the envelopes in those piles according to what they represent.

5)      Get a daily calendar, assign the bills to pay days, most important to least important, I have found it goes- Household, because you need hot water, and groceries, credit, because they are just dying to rob you with a high interest, misc, and then medical, the fact is, everyone has medical bills, pay them $20 a month, and they can’t do anything that I know about to you, like kill you or mame you, or be an ass to you over the phone)

6)      Put the stack of bills that you are paying that week in the back of the daily planner, and put the rest in a file.

7)      As bills come in, ad them to the legal pad, and then assign them a pay day. Every week pay the bills you planned to pay, and keep the rest in file ready to go.

THERE SHOULD NEVER BE BILLS OUT FOR YOU TO SEE IN YOUR HOME, these seriously like TOXIC to your peace of mind, you have a plan to pay them, stop looking at them, it doesn’t make them more or less important, and it just makes you feel like crap because you can’t pay them today.

Look under the comments- Kelly (a coffeetalker) has professional advice about medical bills

Junk Mail-

There is not much use in Junk Mail, but occasionally you will find that there is a new business out there or a great coupon, or something that you can use, this is rare, so here’s what I want you to do.

Solution

1)      Where ever you come in your home, place a garbage can somewhere easily accessible.

2)      When you get the mail, go threw it over the garbage can, throw away what ever you aren’t going to use that week (notice, I said “that week”, because if it is longer than a week, you will forget about it, and it becomes clutter)

3)      Place what ever coupons in your daily planner. Use them.

Note; I rarely keep anything like this, coupons usually encourage you to spend more on what you don’t need, if you keep it make sure it is something you will use this week)

Keep Sakes

Keepsakes never seize to amaze me, everyone’s got their grandmothers this or their kids that, and usually they are at the bottom of a box, not being shown or anything. What the hell are you keeping this stuff for?

Solution

1)      If you are not displaying it, with love and honor, you are disgracing this piece of memorabilia, if it’s not important enough to put it in a place of importance, give it away to someone that will honor it.

2)      Keep in mind, things are not people.

 An antique sugar bowl, that doesn’t match your style, that is really valuable to someone, sell it, use the money for a nice weekend away, trust me, your favorite grandma that died would rather you make a nice memory out of that sugar bowl, that have you look at and feel guilty for hating the thing.   

Pictures

Keep in mind, people are usually being nice when it comes to looking at your pictures, they normally would rather visit with you, or do something fun to make a new memory. There are pictures that are important to keep, baby’s first step, or birthday, or whatever.

Solution

1)      Place these pictures in a photo book, NOW. (I am not asking you to become a “scrap booker”, Get them in a safe dry book, and call it a day. Projects that you “plan” to do “one day” usually never happen, or if they do, it’s too late.

2)      Throw away the rest; if it is not worth putting in a book, it’s not worth keeping. You are not throwing away the person or the memory if you throw away the picture of the person or the memory.

This is a really weird category for people; they have so many emotional ties to photos. When you are  going through this part of your clutter, pretend you are someone that doesn’t know you, and is trying to decipher your life through pictures, if the picture doesn’t tell a story about you get rid of it.

Note: People hate pictures of your vacation, STOP SHOWING THEM TO EVERYONE, which has nothing to do with getting rid of them; it’s just something that bothers people in general.

Clothing

Oh…. Clothing…. This is the subject that is the WORST when it comes to “pitching”. For some reason, we have a tendency to latch onto our clothes. Whether they are too small, too big, too hot, too cold, too whatever… Here’s the deal, clothing is in one of the “key survival categories” i.e. shelter, food, clothing….. Therefore, we are nervous about getting rid of this crap….

Solution

1)      If it doesn’t fit you today, get rid of it. There is someone that needs it TODAY, that can fit into it.

2)      If you haven’t liked it for 1 month, you will never like it again. There is a less fortunate person out there that will LOVE it, give it to them.

3)      If you are overwhelmed with laundry, the more clothes you give away, the less laundry you will be able to have.

4)      If it is summer, put your winter clothes away, and vice versa…. When you take out the next season, immediately put the other season away.

Give your clothes that you are not using to people in need. I cannot plead enough to take care of your fellow man/woman; we are all on this earth together.

Toys

I AM GOING TO GET ON A SOAP BOX FOR A MINUTE… YOU READY?….. We are making our children unhappy with all of the “things” we are giving them. We are giving them 100’s of toys and expecting them to appreciate EVERYTHING…. Let me ask the question; Why are we giving so many “things” to our children, expecting them to make the decision to appreciate people, hard work, money, and somehow grasp the “good” in life, yet we distract them with “things” that have no meaning whatsoever, why?

Solution

1)      Pick out 10 favorite toys, set them aside.

2)      If your child is old enough, give them a “garden sized” bag and ask them to fill it up with toys to give to a less fortunate child.

3)      Praise your child for having a kind heart, and giving to others

4)      Make a rule, if you disrespect your toys they will be given to someone else (if the toys are on the floor, placed somewhere they don’t belong, left outside)

5)      Give the disrespected toys to someone else

6)      If your child asks where the toy is (you know you gave it away) say “I don’t know”, this will make your child look for it, and eventually they will keep a closer eye on things that they want to keep.

7)      Stop buying toys, not all together, but this should be a special occasion, not a weekly event. Make them look forward to something

      STOP THREATENING YOUR CHILD…. If you make the rule “I will be giving your toys away that you leave out”, just do it, do not threaten them over and over, you discount your word when you say you are going to do something and then don’t. JUST DO IT….

I watched a couple at a restaurant the other day tell their 3 year old five times that if she did not stop acting that way they were going to leave, she did not stop, and they did not leave…. They were lying. They had no intention of leaving; therefore she didn’t change her behavior. If once they had actually left, she probably would have been more reactive to their warning. These children are little people (treat them like it, and people don’t appreciate liars); tell them what you are going to do, then actually do it. THAT’S IT!

You have worked really hard….Now CELEBRATE by going to Good Will, or the Salvation Army….. Celebrate Giving…. Celebrate that you no longer place love on things instead of people and memories…. Celebrate Life