Yesterday while having Brunch with a dear friend I came across a subject that many of us have come into in our lives. You meet, fall in love, day by day you get closer, you intertwine your lives, things go beautifully for days, weeks, and sometimes years, and then the unthinkable happens, you grow apart, you realize that you were not mean to share your days with this person, and the inevitable happens, you break up.

Somewhere in this tangled mess, sorting out what emotions are mine, what are yours, and what should just be let go as a sacrifice to the “love gone bad God” is hard, really hard. The problem lies in The Break-up-er and The Break-up-ee, both difficult spots to be in, one powerful, one powerless, but the constant is, neither are easy. For the “Break-up-er” you feel like you are giving up, you feel guilty, you are calling the game, throwing in the towel, quitting. For the “Break-up-ee” you feel rejected, given up on, and powerless, he or she does not want you anymore, you have failed.

Basically, we have got two Ego’s, running amuck, and when the Ego drives the car, there is sure to be a wreck.

First, Emotional Separation. This seems to be the most difficult step of the process, when you got together you were separate beings, for years and years you went on with your days without knowing what this certain person was doing, how they were feeling, who they were feeling it with, why they felt one way or the other, but now, it is difficult to go back to the feeling that you have felt for the majority of your lifetime.

Yet, it is hard to go back to that time, a free time.

You cannot forget this person, they themselves have done one of two things, they have either taught you, what you do want in a mate, or what you don’t want, usually the ladder of the two, but I think that moving on, it is key to put them in one of the two categories.

For the “Break-up-er” having confidence in your decision will allow you to feel like you have done the “Break-up-ee” some sort of favor (which is true) he or she will now be free to find love that is more to his or her liking. That should be a honorable decision, one not to feel guilty for, or even like you are a quitter. See, not playing a game that you know you have no chance of winning is called smart. Unless you are just playing the game for fun, and love is no game to play for fun, not long term at least.

For the “Break-up-ee” having faith in yourself, that you are lovable, loving, and powerful allows you to walk away with the knowledge that one day someone will be able to love you on your terms. When insecurity leaks into your ship, you sink, and the only way to stop it is to stop blaming (yourself or the other) and start accepting, accept that this is not what you want (why would you?). When someone no longer wants to be with you, that is their problem, not yours, and it is not your job to fix anyone. Fixing someone else is impossible, you control fixing yourself, and that is the power you have.

Now, I have seen this go to extremes, people start screaming at one another, calling names, blaming, threatening (all the things one does in a desperate situation), but why? Why do we allow ourselves to be these ugly people?

Answer? EGO

When you step back, take a look at what has happened, realize that there were good times, bad times, boring times, hectic times, laughter, tears, and final decisions you realize this is just a chapter of your life, some chapters are longer than others, but this one is coming to a conclusion, you can end it the way it began, hopeful, and forward looking, not brutal, ugly, angry, and desperate.

Friendship?

History will show that a friendship after a lover-ship is almost impossible. To untangle that emotional ball that you call a relationship takes separation. Therefore, for a while, no friendship is obtainable until you are completely healed, could take a lifetime, could take a year, who knows, you will when you are ready. You need friends when you break-up, just not the person you were in a relationship with to help you get through it. Like I said, unraveling the strings of a love gone bad can be messy, and the last person you need is the one who made the mess with you cleaning it up, the mess will just get worse, trust me, seen it too many times.

No calls, no visits, no talks, no favors, for as long as it takes to get you in a place that you are thankful for the relationship as it was, comfortable with being out of the relationship, and relaxed with the person you are without him or her. Don’t drunk dial him or her, have a plan that if you do have too many wines or beers, you have a designated friend to call. Keep yourself busy.

Why does it feel so good to get into the relationship and so bad getting out of it? Should we not celebrate the experience, while holding our dignity high? Why do we let our Ego control what our mind and heart should be in charge of?

In the Eagle’s song, Wasted Time, they speak about the girl that felt like she had wasted her time on a relationship… What if it wasn’t wasted time? What if it was just time, learning what you did or didn’t want? Would that be a comfort?

My heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy           

I don’t know about you, but lately I have had the constant urge to just travel to the ends of the earth….or even just a few hours away!!!  Sometimes our lives can be so hectic and full of chaos, that we forget about the world outside of our own.  I have personally given myself a challenge.  I have made a vow to myself that I will venture to a new place at least once a year.  Now….as much as I would like to take a two month trip to India, Italy, or any other fabulous destination, that is just not feasible for my pocket book!  Unlike many serious travelers, I have a family, a career, and obligation to worry about to be gone for that long.  Therefore, I am uable to take my travels to the extreme.  I feel that discovering the world and new cultures will help me develop as a human being and to see the world as it actually is and not just through my television screen.  So…with that said, I plan to take my two weeks of vacation and use it wisely.  Not only will this get me away from the every day stresses, but it will also allow me to experience new things, new cultures, meet new people and give me something to look forward to.  I now believe that it is important to have a passion for life and to venture outside of the norm.  I feel as though I have been so narrow minded and now I have finally opened my eyes.  It is a great feeling, that is why I am sharing this with you.  Liz and I are taking our first trip to Spain in April.  We are extremely excited and will be sure to post our experience.  If anyone has any travel tips or experiences from certain destinations that they would like to share, PLEASE do so.  We would love to hear about them!

Peace, love, happiness & travel!!!

Janice

Prop 8, Gay marriage was shut out in California, and continues to be shut out continuously around our Country. Church and State are not supposed to be mixed, shaken, or stirred here in America, land of the quilted lifestyle. Yet, there seems to be a hitch or constant hitches.

I believe that there is a place for Church in our communities, they are even welcomed with Tax Exemptions because of the work they do as far as charity and kindness for humanity. I am having a hard time understanding that while they reap the benefits of having the freedom to practice their own religions in our country, they feel that in this same country others should not have the same rights. I am not Gay, just an American, or just a human being really, and I do not understand how these lines keep crossing.

If it says in the Bible that God doesn’t want you to be gay and you have faith in the Bibles words, FINE, don’t be gay yourself, but when you start to say other people cannot under the American Constitution, I believe that you are being Un-American. Bucking the Constitution in which this country was founded on, in which it has been made great; you are saying that you no longer want to be protected under our laws. What if tomorrow it was illegal for you to be married to your husband or wife? You are saying that it is okay for American law to do that.   

Keep your Church out of my State, I say that with kindness and sincerity, you are not in charge of these peoples souls, if they will go to hell because they wanted to marry their love (and you believe that), that is their priority. I say, GODSPEED to everyone that thinks that they are ready for marriage…. There are so many things that Jesus would do out there, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, love the unloved, provide hope to the hopeless, teach tolerance to the hateful, and encourage kindness in a world that seems cruel. With all this to do, the last thing on the Christian mind should be stopping a certain type of love, right? Until these are all taken care of, let us start prioritizing the sheer desperate need in this “beautiful county”.

My Heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

Pete,

I am going to write to each of the points that you brought up, within you beautiful letter, then I would also like to ask your permission to Post your letter on Letscoffeetalk, because I think it is perfect.

I did try to keep Politics off of Letscoffeetalk for so long because I really wanted to focus on a more raw way of getting things done. There are times that I am in a position of questioning my failure or successes with my project of “changing the world for the better”, but I remind myself that making one humans day brighter is a success that goes beyond all of my conception. When you figure one day can be so important, especially if it would be my last, I look at everyday as my only day, no yesterdays and no tomorrows, it is the only day I have. My job is done and just beginning all the time.

I believe that we have a unique relationship in that we have no why’s just is’s. This has allowed both of us to see the beauty within each other without fogging it up with grey matter. I would like to get to know more of my friends in this way, like seeing the core of an apple before the bruises and skin. I suppose I am an oxymoron; there are so many contradictions that ones mind would spin into circles if one would let it.

I recognize that because I don’t believe in endings or beginnings just changes, I believe that this is just another step, there has been many leading to this crossroad, and there will be many more intersections ahead. I will not stop, never, and I will encourage others to change with the change.  You are right; we must move with urgency, this is our time to make a difference.

 Well, there is so many ways to “change” the world; my favorite is making peoples days a bit better one at a time, through kindness and understanding. Our perspective needs to be “changed” to seeing beauty not fear or negativity. Giving compliments, smiles, and little tiny gestures of humanity is the way to make the biggest difference in the most efficient way. Not asking people to agree with me, but asking myself to be alright with disagreement. The abortion topic or any other will always be there, but if I decide to make it a wall between myself and others, I will not move closer to anyone, just further away. There is so much grey area; I have no right to be black and white.

As for our next generation, the only way we can make the promise to our children is to lead by positive example, and show them how, and guide them. I have faith in our children because I have faith in us. Symptoms are taught to our children, but they can be positive rather than negative. Molly and Alex have seen me give love to a stranger, and in turn they will give love to a stranger.

I believe that when we wake up, we have a choice to either be in hell or in heaven, in peace or at war, it is all a moment to moment choice, as we start to guide our perception to peace, and actively seeking it, we will instantly become a happier people. We are Powerful, more than we give ourselves credit for being, more than our government knows, it is time to be positively powerful, as we all make that shift there will be a more successful world as a whole, but this takes one person at a time, making a conscious effort to see the world in this moment as peaceful, loving, and good.   

Nader saved one life and that is something. Do I agree with that law, of course not, but I believe that if that were my son or daughter, I would be thankful for what he did.  See we don’t have to agree to see the beauty in what someone is doing.

There are so many ways to make someone’s life better, sometimes it is cleaning out their closet, and other times it is understanding a woman’s choice to kill her unborn child, it is a huge field of empathy and in some cases sympathy, it is a willingness to sit with someone, just to be there. We are not Jesus Christ (or whom ever you look to for guidance) so the best thing we can do, is take the moment given to us as humans and react like we should. All the unkindness in the world is just a result of knowing we can be that way; know that we can be kind too.  

I know that you would NEVER attack me; I know that you are asking me these questions to ensure that I have thought of these, and answered them in my own mind. I have not failed, if I save one moment a day of someone else’s, my success is huge. I have not sent myself on this journey, nor have you; we are on this journey together just the same. We are all on this journey together, and the ones that don’t know that they are on it yet, are just a few steps behind, it is our job to grab their hand and help them along.  

My Heart is with you on your journey,

Lizzy

To my dear friend Liz,

Congratulations!  Our man won the white house.  I think it’s funny how you tried keep out of politics within coffeetalk, but it still slipped in.  I figure anyone who boasts that they are creating a web forum to change the world, could not stay out of politics.  Especially at this time.  I also read some of your MySpace blogs where you gave yourself some more freedom with your beliefs.  I think you have done a wonderful job in both of those arenas.  Based on my own experience, I am sure that that there have been times for you that are beyond “challenging” and more “trying.” Where you ask yourself if what you are attempting to do will ever work or succeed.  Which leads to questioning yourself, if it is all worth it?  Let me tell you something, it is worth it; simply because we have to do it.  Unfortunately, it is a job that is never accomplished, there is always more to do.  The Putman books puts it correctly, “there will always be a war between authority and reason, between ignorance and wisdom.”  I think cops fighting against “evil” for “good” have an easier job than what it is you are even thinking of doing. 

This really has brought me to two questions in which I wish to ask you.  There are several things, as our relationship has grown, which I wonder about.  Yes we are close, but we mostly communicate between emails and the forum-which reveals our direct thoughts and passions, yet remove the day to day; which we are more apart of.  So, even though we are close and dear to each other, because we perhaps reveal an “inner side” of selective thoughts (you have no idea that I am a complete ASS when I wake up, which is very difficult to deal with if you have to get grocers at 9 o’clock)have that intimate yet vague understanding of each other.  This is a way for me to say that I feel close and love you as a person, but there is a part of me that knows we have kept things from each other; for later, when we feel more comfortable.  Anyway that is not the point of my questions; but rather, for the last few months, this is what has been plaguing me about you (because you are one of those people who one question can last several months.)

The Direct Question.

Do you consider this a first step or the final step?  You have been active in getting a man elected to president.  This election has change the tactics, with an unprecedented method of getting people to work together, on their own initiative to back a man to lead us.  We have not elected a man to do the job for us, but rather to lead us to do the job.  There is plenty of work, sacrifice, and mistakes to make for each and everyone of us.  I hope you are ready not just to carry on, but to do more, you do not the type to quit just now.

The More Abstract Question

Just how do we change the world?  Do we just change people towards way of thinking, having them think like us makes us feel better?  If everyone agreed with me, my life would be better.  I hope that if we truly looked within ourselves, we would be able to acknowledge the desire for that, yet be pragmatic enough to look beyond it.  Which still leaves the question unanswered.  Do we solve the symptoms of a problem, like “how long can a woman go to term before getting an abortion?” or “what is the age in which a girl should tell her parents?” or find the deeper meaning that “each situation is so diverse to another, along with their personal burdens and potential futures that, no true regulation can possibly define that potential, which leaves only a choice of that of the mother.” You see, when you start really looking at the question it changes from HOW to WHAT. Because HOW only solves the now, we can change someone’s view right now, but what about the next generation? Will it stick? Will someone else have to do our job for us? If we can change WHAT then we hit upon the belief systems that will be taught to their children.  This is a simple question to pose, yet quiet complex within its nature and forever moves us farther into the abstract.  Despite what we would hope for, we must consider what we as humans are capable of.  We have to look at the evidence as to what is within our nature, (I do not hope for peace on earth, it is not with our nature at this time, all I can look forward to is a time when it can be truly within our hope.) 

You see, I know the quest you have put yourself on.  Although we have been on different paths to arrive at this point, we seek the same goal.  Now is the time to look at what that goal really is.  Ralph Natter passed legislation requiring Americans to wear seat belts, although several lives were saved-did he really do anything?  I think you want to change the quality of life, not by having a name brand in your home, but rather a better way of thinking.

I hope that you understand that these are questions in which you have to answer for yourself, not directly to me.  Additionally, that they are not attacks on what you are doing or your success, but rather, a way for you to become more precise and effective. 

Love from a concerned friend,

Pete

The other day I was reading Liz’s comment about negativity and she is so right.   Why do we feel the need to spread it.   If you are bothered by something try thinking of 5 things that are positive about the situation first and then if you decide to talk to anyone, share only those!

Then I got to thinking about what else we spread.  Besides negativity, what we do or say is contagious.  When walking down a hallway deep in thought, do you take the time to smile and say good morning, or do you have a stress look on your face and share with everyone that you’ve had a rough morning.  I can honestly say I’ve done both.  And the first one makes their and your day better.  What do you think the second does?

I have decided to stop wasting other people’s lives, as well as mine, with anything that isn’t sincere and loving.  I am choosing to make a change in myself.  I recently had a friend tell me that life is too precious to waste ANY of it doing anything that is negative.   Gossipping, Complaining, Being Jealous, and so on.  It is very hard, but I challenge everyone to look at their lives as if they could be gone tomorrow.  Do you really want to waste your time on Crap?  Time and lives are precious, don’t waste them.  And Do try to go out of your way to accomplish things that move you.  Even if you feel it might make you late for work, or look silly, reach out and hug a girlfriend, just because you know she is having a rough day.   You might never know how much you’ve helped her.  Call a friend, just to say, I’ve been thinking of you.  Send a card, just because.  Smile at the other customers at the grocery.  Help an elderly person with their groceries.  Pick up cheap flowers at the store for your spouse, significant other, friend, grandparent, lonely neighbor……Just spread good! 

Please do this, our world and yourselves really need to just spread good!

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone on your journeys, Katie.